Anal Invaders VI
by Paul Waldowski
The image of the Earth filled the interoceptor. As the planet spun imperceptibly below, the ship's Captain pondered his strategy. His reverie was broken by the droll voice of his vice commander.
"The field team's report has arrived."
If the alien captain had known what a dishrag was, he would've thought it a fitting description for his underling's personality. "Okay, whattya got for me?"
"There exists on the planet a species of hairless, barking primates who rather enjoy sitting and staring at phosphorescent screens for long periods of time. They also like to engage in contests of strength and dominance when they're not stimulating themselves to images of nude members of their species."
The alien captain shrugged. Who didn't like to whip the shelyack every once in a while? "Has this species modeled threats posed by space invaders?"
The captain leaned ever so slightly in the direction of his subordinate, expecting a sentence that never came. "And?"
The visibly distracted lackey replied, lost in the game, "It's an entertaining diversion. These little blocky things come down the screen and you shoot at them with non-nutritive pellets."
The captain was intrigued. "And then what?"
"You mean you just shoot at lines of aliens and that's it? What happens if you kill them all?"
"Oh, more come and you keep shooting at them."
The captain nodded, deep in thought. This species was well-versed in futility. It would fight until crushed by the relentless cha-cha of his alien horde. Still, he needed more information. "Are there any other strategies the barking apes may have employed against a spaceborne threat?"
The vice commander nodded. "Of course. Our field agents have viewed several media on the matter and presented us with a list representing the typical plans of attack the monkeymen expect to confront."
"Okay, show them to me."
The interocetor shimmered and displayed a black-and-white film with a giant robot standing on a ramp.
"Are these fuckers color blind or something?" the captain asked.
"No sir, everything on this world was apparently monochrome until 40 years ago, although many of this species now consider its use to be 'arty'."
"Whatever, keep going."
The robot shot a death ray at the assembled military vehicles, causing them to disappear. The captain especially liked that part, but quickly grew tired about some plot to kill the curiously ape-like alien and the female's relationship with him. He was about to fall asleep until the robot appeared, ready to kill the female. The captain sat upright in his chair, waiting for the deathblow when the female uttered some code phrase. The robot stopped and the movie ended.
"What the hell was that? She says some shit about Kudzoo's borrowed necktie and it stops? What the hell was the name of this?"
"The Time Period When the Planet Ceased Rotating."
"Never show that again, but get me one of those death rays. That was some cool shit right there."
"Very well. Next is a moving picture where the space people are presented as benevolent beings spreading peace and love."
The captain groaned. Sure, people are going to expend all their time and energy crossing the vast gulfs between the stars just to say "What up?" and leave. "Please don't tell me the rest are like this, because if they are, we might as well just blow up some prominent landmarks and pose as their gods."
"Actually, something like that is coming up, but this is the only story about nice aliens we could find."
That pleased the captain, but still, there was the principle of the thing to consider. "I mean, isn't there at least one scene where a scientist tries to make peace with the alien and it rips out the fucker's internal organs and feasts upon them while howling at a large, well-lit natural satellite?"
"No sir, but our agents did find several films with that theme, so there is yet hope."
The captain shrugged his shoulders. "Roll film."
In this movie, the aliens compelled people to carve geological formations with their mashed potatoes, before moving on to more complex feats of sculpture involving lawn ornaments and massive amounts of dirt. The captain was just about to fall asleep when the humans began a disco contest with the aliens, matching the mothership beat for beat with their pimped out casio keyboard and expensive light show.
The captain turned and faced his lackey. "You didn't tell me this was a musical!"
The vice commander shook his head, "It's not. We think this was included to capitalize on a musical craze sweeping the planet at the time. There's no other rational explanation for it."
The captain pop-and-locked in his chair, digging the funky beats until it was clear the the alien mothership possessed mad DJ skillz that far outclassed the puny humans' effort. The captain couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Bah-diddy-bomp-buh-bomp mothahfuckah!"
Suddenly, the aliens revealed themselves. They were cute little pale folk led by some gangly, bug-eyed creature. The captain thought they looked tasty. Then he had an idea -- a most wonderful idea! "Maybe we can go down there and pretend to be these cool little fuckers, then when all the idiots are gathered before us, we open up the ship and eat them."
"Very good, sir."
"You know what? Fuck that. Let's find out if these little bastards exist and hit their planet. They look like they know how to throw a party. We could get good and shit-faced with these wee tots."
"As you wish."
"And then we can eat them."
"Of course, sir. Next is a film where the creators took the best of all the better alien invasion movies and tossed them all into one film. It's called Independence Day."
"Eh, I've heard about this one. Just show the part where everything gets blown up."
The captain's favorite part came on. In front of a massive alien ship was a lone flying machine outfitted with disco lights. The captain privately lamented the decline of this species' appreciation for a good multi-colored light show before the whirlybird got blowed up. After humanity had been destroyed , the captain took a bathroom break and returned a short time later to see the end of the film. Two of the monkeymen had infiltrated the alien ship and were playing with a toy aboard a captured fighter.
The captain was confused. "What the hell are they doing?"
"The best we can determine is that they're transferring some sort of digital information to the invader's ship to incapacitate it."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." The captain paused a moment. "You think they could do that to us?"
"Not unless they've invented a way to incorporate bigger, dirtier beats in their wangdoodles."
The captain laughed. "No shit. Hey listen, this is starting to get boring, so why don't we just wrap this up?"
"Very well, sir."
The captain looked around, seeking inspiration. "Maybe we could exterminate random insect species or increase their global temperature just to fuck with them."
"I don't think that would work. They're not the sharpest knives in the drawer."
"Hmm, okay." Something caught the captain's eye. It was something he hadn't used in years, but the novelty of the act intrigued him. It was originally used to scavenge coolant from the ship's system into an awaiting mouth to be ingested. The effect was intoxicating, but as the captain regarded the tube and thought about the monkeymen's anatomy, he happened upon a new use for the coolant bong.
He picked up the bong and showed it to his vice commander. "Why don't we just go down there and shove this up someone's ass, then take-off for nachos or something?"
"Sounds like a plan."
As the two readied to depart the ship, the captain felt an upwelling of pride. Well, it may have been that plate of gronash he had earlier, but he decided it was pride. His digestive system begged to differ, but the captain had already had this argument numerous times with his nutrient sac and had always come out on top. At any rate, he loved his work. What other job in the galaxy afforded a working stiff the opportunity to travel billions of miles to some insignificant backwater and shove a coolant tube up some primate's ass?
"I can't believe I get paid to do this."
A few minutes later, Jeff Tessman from Dung Hill, Idaho was awakened by a bright light in his window. He looked at the foot of his bed and before him stood two aliens. One was holding what appeared to be a probe of some kind. He instinctively moved his hand to cover his anus, but was immediately immobilized.
"Oh no, not again."
Don't blame Paul. He voted for Kodos.
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