TAFC#4: Worst Song of the 70's (a/k/a Shooting Fish in a Barrel)
by Turtle Jones
It's 70's week at Faster Than The World! Groovy! Neat! Peace love and nakedness!
This week's poll has to do with the 70's and later on in the week, we'll have a 70's themed Group Late Night Typing and Friday's Editors' Picks column will have a 70's feel to it. Also, some of our authors will be doing some far out 70's related columns this week.
Which brings us to another week of The Almost Final Countdown. This time, we move from horror movies to horrible songs. Specifically, horrible songs of the 70's.
Nothing gets people arguing like a conversation about songs that suck. While it has been scientifically proven that "We Built This City" is indeed the worst song ever made, there will always be people - bless their warped little hearts - who will defend it as quality art.
We here at Faster Than The World love good arguments. Hell, we love bad arguments. We love stirring up shit. So what better way to get the week rolling than to ask you all to nominate the Worst Songs of the 70's for this week's poll?
We'll start you off with a few of our own but rest assured, there are literally THOUSANDS to choose from. Let's just say that era 70's pop music was a dark, dark time in musical history.
There was just too many to choose from here. I am a child of the 70's and my parents always had the radio on, so many of the really bad songs are etched permanently in my brain (mostly showing themselves during nightmares that include Leo Sayer and Frankie Vali). I decided to discount a lot of the songs that came to mind at first, like Muskrat Love or Run, Joey, Run or Seasons in the sun because I know damn well someone else will nominate them. And really, they were so bad as to only be remembered as bad. I wanted to take on some songs that the majority of people (most of whom were too high in the 70's to know the difference between good and bad music, because it all sounds deep, meaningful and awesome after a couple of bong hits) think were really good tunes. In fact, so many people think these songs were good that I found some of them on Best of the 70's lists. And I bet a lot of you have them on your fancy little song player things. It doesn't mean I think any less of you.
Wait, yes it does.
I just don't like long songs. Let's just say that right away. Maybe back in the 70's when I was listening to this stuff while sprawled out in someone's groovy basement trying to see through my hand, long songs were cool. Now, not so much. After two minutes I'm ready to move on to the next tune. See, in New York, we have two radio stations that play rock music. And both of them play only classic rock. So there are some songs that they play about 50 times a day because, I don't know, Satan makes them or something. What I want to know is, does anyone ever really want to hear Hotel California? Or are the DJs just playing this on the mistaken assumption that the masses want to hear another one of those "rock musicians gone poetically awry" songs? This song is BORING. It's like watching a horrible movie with false endings, where you keep shifting in your seat thinking, ok, credits are going to roll......right.........now! No...wait....NOW. Ok, it's going to end...........hey, it's a solo! Another long, drawn out, masturbatory guitar experience! Pass the bong!
Cats in the Cradle
My god. Is it me? It must be. Because everyone else says things like "that song makes me cry like a baby!" Listen, I have kids. I know the whole "time goes so fast, spend some of it with your children instead of watching COPS and scratching your balls all night" deal. Still, this song does not tug at my heartstrings. Maybe I don't have heartstrings because all those songs that are supposed to make me cry or feel bad or call my mother just make me want to stab someone in the face. And dude. The dad in this song totally deserved being blown off by his son. You reap what you sow, Chapin!!
This is the coveted winner of Michele's Most Hated Song Ever. I already wrote about it here. I don't want to think about it anymore. Just suffice it to say that if you sing this song around me, I will sneak into your yard at night and piss in your garden. When Meatloaf died in Fight Club, I actually stood up in the theater and yelled "That's for Paradise, you son of a bitch!" And people applauded. Really, who likes this song besides drunk chicks and horny guys who think a drunk chick acting out a bad song has "I'm gonna get laid" written all over her?
Didn't have to keep it
A song about a girl who slept with a guy and then, to prove her love to him, didn't have an abortion. -M
Before we start this all of, I want everyone to join in my mantra of "Bob Seger sucks." Say it again and again with me. Bob Seger was the reason all those people down in Guana drank the Kool Aid Bob Seger brought you AIDS and disco. I point all fingers to that man when I look at the sad state that was the 70's music scene. Bob Seger killed Elvis. Which might or might not have been a bad thing. I mean don't get me wrong. I am no Elvis fan but I did enjoy watching his bloated, drugged out ass in those last few Vegas shows. THAT is the Elvis the world needed at the time. The King gave up. Do you get it? The music was so bad, the King of Rock and Roll shit out his brains whacked out on polyester pussy and cheap speed. Elvis choose to kill himself on fried peanut butter sammiches than to listen to the shit the radio was putting out.
Bob Seger had everything to do with why the 70's sucked.
Bob Seger had nothing to do with skateboarding though. Although I sense he in some way brought about Tony Hawk. I dunno. Maybe Bob Seger was playing in the background when Mama Hawk was getting cornholed by Papa Hawk. Bob Seger had something to do with Tony Hawk. I just haven't figured out what exactly that is yet. Give me a little time.
Meanwhile, I thought I'd give you a list of my other non-Bob Seger hated songs that came from the 70's. Keeping in mind that these songs are bad, but not as god awful as Bob Seger songs. But close. Well, not really close. Cause Bob Seger sucks ass drippings.
John Denver - Rocky Mountain High
Ok. Somebody put down the bong. I know everyone was all earth and shit like mud hippies and all but this is taking it a little too far.I mean this is the kind of a guy who never talks to girls, never looks anyone in the eye, but get a few drinks in him and he will fuck you up bad. All that repressed anger flowing out like the piss his kidneys filtered cheap vodka through. It is really too bad he was on The Muppet Show so many times. Way to fuck up any good childhood memories I had there, John. No really. Thanks. All I need to add to my repressed memories is being anal raped by my uncle and we got all the bases covered there to make the next bulldog killer in New York out of me.
I am glad he died in an ultra light.
Guess Who - These Eyes
The only thing I remember is the Guess Who reunion album. An ad for it was on late at night. They played this song. Does anyone remember it? Well anyways, they introduced the band and the drummer came out. Fat, bald and with a pair of thick glasses. He rocked. Big ass tie dye on his belly. That rocked.
I hated the song though.
Engelbert Humperdinck - After The Loving
Any girl who gets fucked by a guy named Engelbert should surrender her woman pass.
Queen - We Are The Champions
Oh bite me. You know it sucks. - T
Baby Huey makes fun of the other, much older, editors:
This was hard for me because I had to pick songs from a decade that ended a year before I was born. I'm surprised Leif Garrett isn't on anyone's list. Actually, I'm not. I'm sure they're all closet Garrett fans. This leads me to my first choice:
Leif Garrett - I Was Made for Dancin
I write a weekly column exhorting the virtues of extreme heavy metal. I'm ragging on a disco tune. Do I need to draw you a fuckin map? I can imagine all the screaming 70s girls and the 10 year old boys in their short shorts, tube socks, and permed hair, and I'm simultaneously disgusted and just a little turned on.
Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight
This song does have one redeeming quality. It was used to trap a bunch of old stuffed shirts in PCU, which is obviously one of the greatest movies ever. Skyrockets in flight, indeed. If I were locked in a room with that song on repeat, not only would I kill myself, I would do my damndest to take everyone there with me.
Kansas - Dust in the Wind
From "Carry On My Wayward Son," one of the greatest rock songs ever (and fuck you if you say otherwise) to "Dust in the Wind" in the span of only one album. My oh my, how the mighty have fallen. Combine the facts that this song is some sort of early emo ancestor and the fact that Will Ferrel sang it (who, by the way, is really starting to jump on my last damn nerve), and you've got a recipe for a shitty song. And I know recipes.
Kiss - I Was Made For Loving You
I was joking earlier about the Leif Garrett thing, but I will bet money that at least one of the other editors of FTTW own or owned this song on LP. Kiss's attempt at disco. A genre of music dominated by pretty people. Kiss are the ugliest group of motherfuckers on the planet (at least until the Ramones show up). What were they thinking?
Don McLean - American Pie
If there was a merciful god, the music WOULD have died when this abomination of a song came out. Seriously.
Don't even get me started on the music of the 80's. -BH
Carly Simon : Nobody Does It Better. Sometimes, somethings just work right. There’s a click and the pieces come together and suddenly everything makes sense. Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger” is a perfect example. Hot, throaty vocals over a quick jazz number and it’s one of the best Bond theme songs ever. This is not that song. As a matter of fact, this song is so far removed from the greatness that is Shirley Bassey, that she wouldn’t piss on it to put it out if it was on fire. It almost ruins a really good movie (even though Roger Moore’s in it) from the get go because all I can picture is the horse toothed jackass singing it.
And now that I’ve thoroughly worked myself into a tizzy just before bed, I’m off for a Xanax and a beer in the hopes that I’ll sleep. --F
Those are our nominations. We're not putting a specific number on the poll this time. We'll see what you guys nominate and just make the poll from there. Really, this could get into the hundreds and we're probably gonna try to narrow that down to 25, just to make the voting stage more intense.
Remember, you have all week to nominate as many songs as you want. After today, you will be able to get to this column from the sidebar. So just keep coming back and naming your poison (or defending it) and the actual poll will go up on Friday.
Keep on truckin!