TAFC#4: Worst Song of the 70's (a/k/a Shooting Fish in a Barrel)
by Turtle Jones

It's 70's week at Faster Than The World! Groovy! Neat! Peace love and nakedness!

This week's poll has to do with the 70's and later on in the week, we'll have a 70's themed Group Late Night Typing and Friday's Editors' Picks column will have a 70's feel to it. Also, some of our authors will be doing some far out 70's related columns this week.

Which brings us to another week of The Almost Final Countdown. This time, we move from horror movies to horrible songs. Specifically, horrible songs of the 70's.

Nothing gets people arguing like a conversation about songs that suck. While it has been scientifically proven that "We Built This City" is indeed the worst song ever made, there will always be people - bless their warped little hearts - who will defend it as quality art.

We here at Faster Than The World love good arguments. Hell, we love bad arguments. We love stirring up shit. So what better way to get the week rolling than to ask you all to nominate the Worst Songs of the 70's for this week's poll?

We'll start you off with a few of our own but rest assured, there are literally THOUSANDS to choose from. Let's just say that era 70's pop music was a dark, dark time in musical history.


There was just too many to choose from here. I am a child of the 70's and my parents always had the radio on, so many of the really bad songs are etched permanently in my brain (mostly showing themselves during nightmares that include Leo Sayer and Frankie Vali). I decided to discount a lot of the songs that came to mind at first, like Muskrat Love or Run, Joey, Run or Seasons in the sun because I know damn well someone else will nominate them. And really, they were so bad as to only be remembered as bad. I wanted to take on some songs that the majority of people (most of whom were too high in the 70's to know the difference between good and bad music, because it all sounds deep, meaningful and awesome after a couple of bong hits) think were really good tunes. In fact, so many people think these songs were good that I found some of them on Best of the 70's lists. And I bet a lot of you have them on your fancy little song player things. It doesn't mean I think any less of you.

Wait, yes it does.

Hotel California

I just don't like long songs. Let's just say that right away. Maybe back in the 70's when I was listening to this stuff while sprawled out in someone's groovy basement trying to see through my hand, long songs were cool. Now, not so much. After two minutes I'm ready to move on to the next tune. See, in New York, we have two radio stations that play rock music. And both of them play only classic rock. So there are some songs that they play about 50 times a day because, I don't know, Satan makes them or something. What I want to know is, does anyone ever really want to hear Hotel California? Or are the DJs just playing this on the mistaken assumption that the masses want to hear another one of those "rock musicians gone poetically awry" songs? This song is BORING. It's like watching a horrible movie with false endings, where you keep shifting in your seat thinking, ok,pantypeeler.jpg credits are going to roll......right.........now! No...wait....NOW. Ok, it's going to end...........hey, it's a solo! Another long, drawn out, masturbatory guitar experience! Pass the bong!

Cats in the Cradle

My god. Is it me? It must be. Because everyone else says things like "that song makes me cry like a baby!" Listen, I have kids. I know the whole "time goes so fast, spend some of it with your children instead of watching COPS and scratching your balls all night" deal. Still, this song does not tug at my heartstrings. Maybe I don't have heartstrings because all those songs that are supposed to make me cry or feel bad or call my mother just make me want to stab someone in the face. And dude. The dad in this song totally deserved being blown off by his son. You reap what you sow, Chapin!!

Paradise By The Dashboard Light

This is the coveted winner of Michele's Most Hated Song Ever. I already wrote about it here. I don't want to think about it anymore. Just suffice it to say that if you sing this song around me, I will sneak into your yard at night and piss in your garden. When Meatloaf died in Fight Club, I actually stood up in the theater and yelled "That's for Paradise, you son of a bitch!" And people applauded. Really, who likes this song besides drunk chicks and horny guys who think a drunk chick acting out a bad song has "I'm gonna get laid" written all over her?

You're Having My Baby

Didn't have to keep it
Wouldn't put ya through it
You could have swept it from you life
But you wouldn't do it

A song about a girl who slept with a guy and then, to prove her love to him, didn't have an abortion. -M

Turtle joins EST.

Before we start this all of, I want everyone to join in my mantra of "Bob Seger sucks." Say it again and again with me. Bob Seger was the reason all those people down in Guana drank the Kool Aid Bob Segersegerevil.jpg brought you AIDS and disco. I point all fingers to that man when I look at the sad state that was the 70's music scene. Bob Seger killed Elvis. Which might or might not have been a bad thing. I mean don't get me wrong. I am no Elvis fan but I did enjoy watching his bloated, drugged out ass in those last few Vegas shows. THAT is the Elvis the world needed at the time. The King gave up. Do you get it? The music was so bad, the King of Rock and Roll shit out his brains whacked out on polyester pussy and cheap speed. Elvis choose to kill himself on fried peanut butter sammiches than to listen to the shit the radio was putting out.

Bob Seger had everything to do with why the 70's sucked.

Bob Seger had nothing to do with skateboarding though. Although I sense he in some way brought about Tony Hawk. I dunno. Maybe Bob Seger was playing in the background when Mama Hawk was getting cornholed by Papa Hawk. Bob Seger had something to do with Tony Hawk. I just haven't figured out what exactly that is yet. Give me a little time.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd give you a list of my other non-Bob Seger hated songs that came from the 70's. Keeping in mind that these songs are bad, but not as god awful as Bob Seger songs. But close. Well, not really close. Cause Bob Seger sucks ass drippings.

John Denver - Rocky Mountain High

Ok. Somebody put down the bong. I know everyone was all earth and shit like mud hippies and all but this is taking it a little too far.hawkdad.jpgI mean this is the kind of a guy who never talks to girls, never looks anyone in the eye, but get a few drinks in him and he will fuck you up bad. All that repressed anger flowing out like the piss his kidneys filtered cheap vodka through. It is really too bad he was on The Muppet Show so many times. Way to fuck up any good childhood memories I had there, John. No really. Thanks. All I need to add to my repressed memories is being anal raped by my uncle and we got all the bases covered there to make the next bulldog killer in New York out of me.

I am glad he died in an ultra light.

Guess Who - These Eyes

The only thing I remember is the Guess Who reunion album. An ad for it was on late at night. They played this song. Does anyone remember it? Well anyways, they introduced the band and the drummer came out. Fat, bald and with a pair of thick glasses. He rocked. Big ass tie dye on his belly. That rocked.

I hated the song though.

Engelbert Humperdinck - After The Loving

Any girl who gets fucked by a guy named Engelbert should surrender her woman pass.

Queen - We Are The Champions

Oh bite me. You know it sucks. - T

Baby Huey makes fun of the other, much older, editors:

This was hard for me because I had to pick songs from a decade that ended a year before I was born. I'm surprised Leif Garrett isn't on anyone's list. Actually, I'm not. I'm sure they're all closet Garrett fans. This leads me to my first choice:

sq-garrett_l.gifLeif Garrett - I Was Made for Dancin

I write a weekly column exhorting the virtues of extreme heavy metal. I'm ragging on a disco tune. Do I need to draw you a fuckin map? I can imagine all the screaming 70s girls and the 10 year old boys in their short shorts, tube socks, and permed hair, and I'm simultaneously disgusted and just a little turned on.


Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

This song does have one redeeming quality. It was used to trap a bunch of old stuffed shirts in PCU, which is obviously one of the greatest movies ever. Skyrockets in flight, indeed. If I were locked in a room with that song on repeat, not only would I kill myself, I would do my damndest to take everyone there with me.

Kansas - Dust in the Wind

From "Carry On My Wayward Son," one of the greatest rock songs ever (and fuck you if you say otherwise) to "Dust in the Wind" in the span of only one album. My oh my, how the mighty have fallen. Combine the facts that this song is some sort of early emo ancestor and the fact that Will Ferrel sang it (who, by the way, is really starting to jump on my last damn nerve), and you've got a recipe for a shitty song. And I know recipes.

Kiss - I Was Made For Loving You

I was joking earlier about the Leif Garrett thing, but I will bet money that at least one of the other editors of FTTW own or owned this song on LP. Kiss's attempt at disco. A genre of music dominated by pretty people. Kiss are the ugliest group of motherfuckers on the planet (at least until the Ramones show up). What were they thinking?

Don McLean - American Pie

If there was a merciful god, the music WOULD have died when this abomination of a song came out. Seriously.

Don't even get me started on the music of the 80's. -BH

thefinn definitely does not feel like dancing:

Leo Sayer : You Make Me Feel Like Dancing
. Let’s start simply. Leo Sayer is a twat. Period. A high pitched, juvenile, old twat. I didn’t like his rotten old ass in 1976 when this song was released and I sure as hell don’t like him now, after having watched him behave like a child for ten days on Celebrity Big Brother. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way, he’s obsessed with the idea of celebrity (but really only in how it should impact his daily life) and he’s a poor, poor sport. Enough of the personal attacks. The song is too happy for it’s own good. Really. If it were possible to overdose on happiness and sappy pop schmaltz, this song would have killed millions. The pitch of Sayer’s voice is painful on a good day and on a bad day it makes dogs go into convulsions.
A link to something that does not scream "Celebrity", Mr. Sayer.

carly_simon.jpgCarly Simon : Nobody Does It Better. Sometimes, somethings just work right. There’s a click and the pieces come together and suddenly everything makes sense. Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger” is a perfect example. Hot, throaty vocals over a quick jazz number and it’s one of the best Bond theme songs ever. This is not that song. As a matter of fact, this song is so far removed from the greatness that is Shirley Bassey, that she wouldn’t piss on it to put it out if it was on fire. It almost ruins a really good movie (even though Roger Moore’s in it) from the get go because all I can picture is the horse toothed jackass singing it.

Barbara Streisand : The Way We Were
. Makes me want to stab people in the face and rip off one of my own arms just so I can beat myself to death with it. My mother would listen to this song over and over in the car one painfully long winter. The heater would be on full blast and making me slightly nauseous while Streisand wailed in the background about some horrible shit that happened between her and her man. Who fucking cares ? I understand, some lame movie that came out the same year needed a lame theme song to full achieve the full state of lameness that usually takes years to cultivate. But come on!! Fucking Christ, just let it go and whine someone else.

Steely Dan :
Anything by Steely Dan throws me into a homicidal rage. If you have any desire to watch an old mick completely lose his shit and start strangling every within earshot of the jukebox, just play Deacon Blues or Hey Nineteen. The blood will flow!!! Flow I say!!

And now that I’ve thoroughly worked myself into a tizzy just before bed, I’m off for a Xanax and a beer in the hopes that I’ll sleep. --F

Those are our nominations. We're not putting a specific number on the poll this time. We'll see what you guys nominate and just make the poll from there. Really, this could get into the hundreds and we're probably gonna try to narrow that down to 25, just to make the voting stage more intense.

Remember, you have all week to nominate as many songs as you want. After today, you will be able to get to this column from the sidebar. So just keep coming back and naming your poison (or defending it) and the actual poll will go up on Friday.

Keep on truckin!



"Disko Duck" by....whats-his-name?...Rick Dees?


Alone Again (Naturally) by Gilbert O'Sullivan or whoever. I wish he would've shot himself instead of writing this song.

Does Anyone Know What Time It Is by Chicago. And no, I don't really care.

Seasons in the Sun. I don't know who sang it. In fact, I've never heard the end of this song.

A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock N' Roll by Donnie & Marie. By "a little bit", they must be describing a unit of measurement smaller than the planck distance and outside the realm of theoretical physics. however, if M-theory is correct, then almost indescribably minute amounts of country and rock n' roll have seeped into other universes, producing at least one 'verse where Donnie and Marie actually have a little bit of country and rock n' roll within them. Sadly, that universe is not ours.

I'm surprised by the lack of disco, so far. The Bee Gees and Abba are usually the first to appear in a "Worst of the 70's" list.


and nobody better say "Nutbush" by Ike and Tina Turner cause that was a great song


There's so much obvious crap to choose from by people like Barry Manilow, Captain and Tennille, The Carpenters, Donnie and Marie Osmond, the entire disco genre, etc.

But, I'll go with Sir Paul McCartney for the clump of ubiquitous turds he farted out in the 70s. Especially:

"My Love"
"Band on the Run"
"Silly Love Songs"
"Listen to What the Man Said"
"Let 'em In"

Anything by Bob Seger or Rod Stewart are good picks, too.


"Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" Elton John & Kiki Dee.


There is just so much to choose from for absolute shite in the 70s...all Disco for example.


I wouldn't go so far as to say all the disco sucked. For instance, Funkytown ruled.

But songs like Turn The Beat Around make me want to hurt someone.


There was some good of everything in the '70s. But there was plenty of bad. Especially bad funk ... therefore my contribution: Funky Worm by the Ohio Players.

What a horrible, horrible song.


This is not the way I wanted to start a Monday...

Andrew Gold - Lonely Boy (1977)
Andy Gibb - I Just Want To Be Your Everything (1977)
Anita Ward - Ring My Bell (1979)
Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond - You Don't Bring Me Flowers (1978)
Barry Manilow - Copacabana (1978)
Barry Manilow - Mandy (1975)
Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods - Billy, Don't Be A Hero (1974)
Bobby Goldsboro - Watching Scotty Grow (1971)
Captain & Tenille - Muskrat Love (1976)
David Geddes - Run Joey Run (1975)
Donna Summer - Love To Love You Baby (1976)
Dr. Hook - Sylvia's Mother (1972)
Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (Naturally) (1972)
Kiss - Beth (1976)
Maria Muldaur - Midnight At The Oasis (1974)
Mary McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers (1977)
Melanie - Brand New Key (1972)
Meri Wilson - The Telephone Man (1977)
Michael Murphy - Wildfire (1975)
Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You (1975)
Morris Albert - Feelings (1975)
Olivia Newton-John - I Honestly Love You (1974)
Olivia Newton-John - Have You Never Been Mellow (1975)
Patrick Hernandez - Born To Be Alive (1979)
Paul Anka - Havin' My Baby (1974)
Rod Stewart - D'Ya Think I'm Sexy? (1979)
Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (1976)
Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun (1974)
Tony Orlando & Dawn - Tie A Yellow Ribbon (1973)


Am I the only person that appreciates the sheer artistry of Afternoon Delight?

And I second the nomination of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy.

Also throw in Tonight's the Night...spread your wings and let me come inside.....ickkkk.


Wait, wait, wait... How the hell did ABBA get on this list ? We're doing the worst songs, right ? What other uberpop all European group did what they did better ? Catchy lyrics, great melodies... Am I the only one who'll stand up for them ?

On the other hand, I totally have to second, third, whatever, the Rod Stewart nom. He's proof pudding that anyone could be a star in the seventies if you had the right haircut and a pocket full of blow...



Don't worry, Paul's an out of the closet Abba freak. He'll back you when he gets around to it.

I was the first kids in my high school to get kicked out for wearing a "Disco Sucks" T-Shirt. I hated Disco, I loathed Disco. I thought it WAS the end of the freaking world and we'd be stuck with listening to old Stones and Beatles forever. You know why Seger and Meatloaf were loved so much by white kids in the 70s? THEY WEREN'T FUCKING DISCO!!! That right there gave them all the credibility they needed. Well, that, and Carla DeVito on the tour but that's another story for another time.

Don't get me wrong, I've matured and now appreciate the mastery of "Play that Funky Music White Boy" and "Thank You, For Lettin' Me, Be Mice Elf" and by 79 I was funking out to Parliment and Earth Wind and Fire. However, I truly believed The Bee Gees must die.

And before I forget, my contribution to the worst of the 70s:

"Miss You" by The Stones.

That entire album was such a steaming, retched, piece of crap that I haven't been able to listen to the Stones without going into convulsions since. That's right, 30 freaking years of my ears beginning to bleed when "Sympathy for the Devil" comes on. It's not right I tell you. How long do we have to suffer for their sin?


Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat - The DiFranco Family

And I'm about to put the hammer down: Convoy - C.W. McCall


Forget all of these other songs. The absolute worst song of the 1970's is a collective TIE with EVERY SINGLE SONG released by the Bay City Rollers.

It doesn't matter if you hate long songs. It doesn't matter if KISS recorded one disco song. The Bay City Rollers were, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the WORST.


Some of the most obvious (to me) were missed.

A Horse with No Name
Ebony and Ivory
I am Women, Hear Me Roar, this song is like a big aural turd.


My Mom used to play Barbara Streisand incessantly in the 70's as well as Barry Manilow.

For some reason Barry Manilow did not bother me like Barbara Streisand did. I mean Barry did 'Mandy'. And he sent her away and he misses her today.

But Barbara? I can't think of one song that I like.

Anyway. I nominate Barbara Streisand. All of it.


Sorry Deacon... Ebony and Ivory wasn't released until '82.

And I second the Bay City Rollers. Anyone who ends up hooked on the feeling needs a shot to the chops.


I'd also like to nominate 'Macho Man' and 'In the Navy' by Village People. Cringe.


Crap, that was Blue Swede, not the Bay City Rollers. Still, I'm nominating it.



Oh and Kiss are definetly the ugliest band ever, I mean, you gotta at least give Dee Dee credit for being kinda cute.


as far as disco goes, I like Do The Hustle

that flute is so happy

duh duh duh duh duh dah duh dah
duh duh duh duh duh dah duh dah
duh duh duh duh duh dah duh dah
duh duh duh duh duh dah duh dah

/you know you are all singing it now....


John Travolta - Let Her In (1976)


Come on, people! The Funky Worm! Good God, that could be the worst song of all time.


How's About...

Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy

It's a Heartache by Bonnie Tyler

We May Never Pass This Way Again by Seals & Crofts

Starship Troopers by Yes


BRIDGES, ALICIA: I Love The Nightlife
STYX: The Best Of Times
A TASTE OF HONEY: Boogie Oogie Oogie


Do I get immediately banned for suggesting "Billy, Don't Be a Hero"?


"Phasers On Stun" by Horselips

Every SciFi Geek in my high school all of a sudden had black t-shirts.


Do I get immediately banned for suggesting "Billy, Don't Be a Hero"?

we don't ban people

we mentally torture them by talking constantly about how cool today's "Garfield" strip was

god, that's funny. So deep.


Wha the ? I just realized I work with Leif Garrett!!! The shock resulting from that realization almost made me forget which 70's tunes I hate most of all..there are so many, let's face it. But here's my pick -
Gypsies Tramps and Thieves - Cher.
Baby I'm a want you - Bread


Fuck you guys. Seriously. FUCK YOU.


Jim Davis is a cartooning Genius!!!!
... and, Michele, "Run, Jody, Run" also should be nominated


Run Joey Run
Billy Dont' Be a Hero
The Night Chicago Died
Delta Dawn


Starship Troopers by Yes

Oh come ON. That was brilliance (if you were stoned and/or drunk).


Dammit, dammit, dammit! "Nights in White Satin" is from the sixties, so I can't nominate that. It sounds like it should be from the seventies, though.

Oh, well. I nominate "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad.


"You Light Up My Life" was the number one single for something like 150 consecutive weeks in the late 70's (trust me, I heard Casey Casem count down to it at least that many times). It is also the worst piece of dripping, malodorous, diseased crap ever committed to vinyl.



You SUCK!!!!!

I've had "Ooga chacka, ooga ooga ooga chacka, oooga ooga ooga chacka" stuck in my head all fucking DAY!!!


"The Night Chicago Died" Paper Lace?


Will, that's the one I thought of this morning then tried all day to get out of my head. Thanks.


Always happy to pass it on.


Oh, wait, that wasn't for me. There I go again, taking credit for crap I didn't do.


even though his performance in Fight Club was stellar - alright, it was the bitch tits - i gotta go with meatloaf. great name, terrible songs. it's like rocky horror karaoke.

and i do believe that "disco duck" was indeed by rick dees nutzinhismouth.


Wow. We are dating ourselves, aren't we? I mean, I know that the 70's bridged my high school > college > early adulthood years, but I didn't realize that so many of YOU are my generation, too! So, okay, I'll go along with anything disco (and we won't talk about the pair of sequined 4" platform sandals I owned - and danced in).
And I'm sorry, but "Muskrat Love" was cute! It still makes me smile. Wait, put down that pitchfork...!!!


Philadelphia Freedom is the ultimate bad 70s song which sucks on every level. Terrible tune, Elton's whiny nasaltone, and lyrics about a tennis player who made Janet Reno look like Terri Hatcher. The fin de sicle is the accompaniment which sounds like someone grabbed all the rejected backing tracks out of the studio's dumpster and had a chimpanzee remix them.

If you want to pick a bad 70s pop song, nail Elton John's catalog to the wall and throw a dart..


"My Love" by Paul McCartney. If the Beatles had stayed together and John Lennon had been forced to perform that song, he would have shot himself before Chapman did..


"Half Breed" by Cher

Called "Half Wit" after about a week in the top 40..


Really, anything by Paul McCartney qualifies. Though I'd go with Silly Love Songs.


"It's OK" by the Beach Boys..

This pains me as I'm a huge fan, but they should have left Brian in bed no matter how much Mike Love wanted the money...


"Alone Again, Naturally"
- Gilbert O'Sullivan

Singing this song would naturally leave one alone again...


"If You Leave Me Now" - Chicago

The band should have left Peter Cetera after he took over from Bob Lamm


"The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"

Joan Baez sounds like she's undergoing electroshock therapy while singing this Robbie Robertson classic. So which one do the playlist bosses choose for a single...


"Hurricane" - Bob Dylan

Self righteous moaner by the Most Overrated Performer Ever.

I wanted Hurricane Carter to get the chair after this one.


"Claire" - Gilbert O'Sullivan

An ode about a babysitting weenie about the little girl in his charge. He should have been put on the Pedophile Database after this one. Almost disturbing..


"Lady Marmalade" - LaBelle

It's sung mostly in French.. nuff said


"I Write the Songs" - Barry Manilow

Ironic in that he didn't write this song. He shouldn't have sang it either.


Garfield is generally better as "Silent Garfield":

I particularly like the one from the 18th:


"Ben" - Michael Jackson

A love song about a rat? I think we should have known then that the boy didn't have all his marbles...


"You're No Good" - Linda Ronstadt

Neither are you in this song, Linda...


"Baby I'm-a-Want You" - Bread

Baby I'm-a-gonna lose-a my lunch


I'd like to momentarily interrupt Kevin's posting streak to state my affinity for Afternoon Delight, which is a good song for no other reason than it's not Classic Rock. It also made for one of the better bits in Anchorman.

That being said, I think the Bay City Rollers deserve a special Suck of the Decade award. They were like the K-Mart version of KC and the Sunshine Band.


"Longer" - Dan Fogelberg

That this song was chosen for so many weddings explains the huge divorce rate of Baby Boomers.


I like Afternoon Delight also. It's certainly much better than something like:

"Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill.


Harper Valley PTA - Jeannie C. Riley

Take a letter, Maria... ♫ address it to my wife ♫ - R.B. Greaves

Anything by Ray Stevens.

Macarthur Park, any version. Because I'll never have that recipe agaaaiiinnn. Oh, noooo!


I think MacArthur Park would rank up there with the worst songs EVER, not just the 70's.

Anyone remember the song Sylvia's Mother?


I'll stick up for Don McClean, Starland Vocal Band and ABBA. Radio overexposure isn't the same thing as being bad.

The 70's had so much swill to offer, trying to list it all would be a never-ending quest. It's sort of like potato chips - you get going and you can't stop. You mention Bullet Bob Seger, I mention Barry Manilow, you come back with the Disco Duck, yada yada yada.

That being said, it is a pretty tall task to come up with something worse - on multiple levels of badness - than "You're Having My Baby"...


Minnie Ripperton - Loving You

Don't fuck with The Carpenters...just don't do it...


I have to throw my vote to Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Not only is Meatloaf an overrated monstrosity, but this song epitomizes everything that sucks about him. Cheeseball lyrics, hokey choruses and it never fucking ends. Ever. This song feels like it's 3 hours long. Bah!




yeh, definately macarthur park


Oh, great. Now they're running through my head. ALL OF THEM. AT THE SAME TIME.


O-O-H Child - The Five Stair Steps.
Masquerade - George Benson.


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