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I Can't Feel My Balls
by Turtle Jones
We at FTTW have decided to take a break in LNT from the theme of this week. If you haven't noticed, everyone is trying to stick to some sort of 80's theme. Well, we decided that there are things more important to speak of. Nei. Rather, bitch about. We aren't really sure where you are from, but if you are anywhere near New York you will know....it is cold.
And not just cold. It's crappy cold that defines no fun.
So we at LNT decided to do what we do best.
Bitch about it.
So hear are our tributes to shitty, cold weather.
Turtle doesn't like this shit.
So what can I say about cold weather?
I can say I probably wouldn't be an alcoholic now if I grew up in this cold weather. Too damn cold to go drink in empty alleys. I was smoking a cigerette last night at Michele's house wondering how underage kids cut their teeth on cheap beer and dead end streets in this god forsaken frozen tundra.
This is the thing. When I was a kid growing up in California, I would always tell people I would rather be cold then hot. Cause in the cold weather, you can always put on a jacket. Problem solved. In the hot weather, you couldn't do anything. Take off your shirt and sweat. That was it. Find a pool or a pond and let the liquor hit you faster cause of the heat. That really wasn't good. Heat equaled naps and naps equaled less fun. Those nightmares always were waiting for me so closing my eyes was much like opening up a can of worms. You didn't know where it was going but you knew it wouldn't be good.
So I liked to stay awake. Kinda explains that whole methamphetamine thing I went through for like a decade but it really is a good pointer on why I didn't like to sleep.
But the thing I never really got about the cold was that it was California cold. One or two days in the year that hit the 30s. Maybe 20s if all the world was going to hell and Richard Simmons was putting out a new "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tape. So things had to be bad for it to be really cold. I remember being able to see my breath outside of a pool hall on Christmas Eve one year. A few people passing around a bottle pissed off that we could see our breath. Mad at California for giving us weather so cold we had to wear gloves. We had obviously angered some kind of snow god who now wanted his revenge on us by shrinking up our balls and making us shiver. That was what I thought cold was.
Well I was wrong. Not the first time in my life I was wrong and definitely not the last. If anyone remembers the "Midget porn might be kind of hot" incident, you will know just how wrong sometimes I can be. Cause midget porn isn't hot. It's interesting in a Marlin Perkins Mutual of Omaha type of way, but certainly not hot.
So now I am on the East Coast. Christ, it is cold. It is like I am seeing my spit freeze before it hits the ground cold. Cigarettes, yes I have not quit yet for any of you keeping track, freeze rather than burn out. That is scary cold. Alaskan pipeline cold.
Last night at work I was bitching about the weather. Saying how cold it is in this place. As usual, conversation went around me and why would I ever leave California to come to New York. Well most of you readers know the real reason I came here, but to my coworkers I simple told them it was for all the prostitutes in Times Square. And the weather.
Hey, did you guys know they cleaned up Times Square sometime back in the 80's? No more hookers and porn theaters?
See, this is my life story. All the fun is gone before I get in on the action.
This is why I don't gamble.
This is why I don't like the cold. - T
I'm not going to bitch about the cold. I'm going to bitch about people's reaction to the cold.
This is to all my local newscasters:
Look. Calendar. February. WINTER. Say it with me. WIN-TER. You know, WINTER. That time of year in New York when temperatures plummet and white stuff falls from the sky and your car battery dies and the homeless are rounded up and thrown into shelters and the snot running out of some kid's nose freezes to his face.
So I don't get why you need to lead every damn news hour with the revelation that it is COLD outside. As if this were some strange, new feeling for us. As if we never saw ice on our windshields or snow on the ground. You grab your camera crew and stand outside schools and offices and Home Depots and marvel at the people wearing hats and scarves and mittens because hey, we've never done that in New York before. No, we wear bikinis and speedos all fucking year long. Jesus Harry Christ, people. Is this really breaking news? Do you realize that for the last ten Februarys in row, maybe more, you have started your nightly newscasts with stories about how to keep warm? Does this seem just a bit unecessary to you? Granted, it's not like we are living in the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field here, but we are kind of used to 15 degree days. It happens. It's WINTER. We really don't need some "expert" staring at us from the tv telling us to wear layers and eat a good breakfast and warm our cars up.
And let's talk about that wind chill factor thing. Yea, the wind is blowing something fierce this week. And that makes it seem colder than it is. We know that. But this whole "feels like" thing you put in front of the temperature is sort of like that homeland security chart they used to drag out every week or so. You want to frighten us into submission so we just say, "Fuck it, I'm not going to work. I'm not going outside. I'm just going to stay home and watch Channel 7 news all day long!" I mean, 15 degrees, eh, not so bad. But when you get on the tv and say 'FEELS LIKE SEVENTYBAZILLION BELOW WITH THE WIND CHILL FACTOR!" you know damn well that you just scared the shit out of some people. That's not right. Why don't you tell them something like, well the wind is gusting like every twenty minutes or so, so it doesn't feel like Antarctica ALL the time, just sometimes. But no, you want to terrify old ladies and little kids because that makes for good TV. THE COLD SPELL OF DEATH, 2007! STAY TUNED TO EYEWITNESS NEWS FOR UPDATES AND MORE SHOCKING DEVELOPMENTS!
Newsflash, guys: Most of us turn off the tv about two minutes after your version of Al Roker say something like "Let's go live to James Woods High School and stare at the kids wearing boots and gloves and act like it's unatural for us to be experiencing cold weather!"
We turn it off right before the wise-cracking reporter grabs some unsuspecting bystander and says "cold enough for ya?" as if it's the first time anyone ever uttered that line.
It's New York. It's winter. It's cold. It's not a national emergency, it's not even fourth rate news. This particular item could have come after the human interest piece on the world's oldest living hockey player. That's how much of a news item it's NOT.
Just wait until summer when I can go off on your "heat index" scare tactics.
Holy fuck, it's cold outside. - M
Maybe global warming isn't such a bad thing.
Michele and Turtle are both freezing but only one of them is bitching about it.