This Is Going To Hurt You More Than Us
by Turtle Jones
So it is getting close to the end of 80's week! Whoop de doo. Actually we have had a lot of fun this week kicking the shit out of memories and some of the things we used to do. We found out that some of our writers have been through hell during the 80's and some of us just stayed drunk. Please remember that both of those things aren't mutually exclusive.
I like using big words like that.
Makes me feel all smart and shit.
Anyways, we as editors tried to think of one thing that would truly unify everyone on this site, except for Meg of course, cause she grew up with hippy parents with corn husks coming out of their hair.
So what did we think of?
Everyone remembers those damn shows, except for Meg (see above). Hell, they have been on for 30 years. You have to know some of them. Love them or hate them, they were there.
So tonight we will be reviewing out favorite shows on the Music Television. If we miss yours, like add it in, dude. Ta hell is wrong with you? We want to hear it. Except for Meg who can tell us how to tell what time of day it is by licking a tree or something like that. (Just kidding Meg.)
Anyways. In no particular order, here are our favorites.
Turtle goes first.
Wow. So many good shows. So many to choose from. Actually, that's not really that true. I hated MTV growing up. I mean, it was the same crap they played on the radio. There was really nothing it offered me. Well, there were a few shows, but they put them on in times where the clearly showed the world that they didn't want us. Well you know what? Fuck them. If they didn't want me, the fuck would I want to be part of their scene?
'Cept for those few shows. Cause they were ok. Those shows?
Ah. A perfect example. Nestled in that prime time slot of midnight to 2 o'clock on Sunday nights. See, this is what I love about MTV. They had their finger on the pulse of the next big wave in popular music. Years before bands like Nirvana were breaking out and breaking big, MTV had the foresight to put the bands that influenced the "next big things" on late at night. They knew their audience well.
That was my sarcasm meter turning red.
Well, this show started out cool, but like Elvis in many of his Hawaiian movies, it got it's balls cut off. What started out cool turned into a joke. After a year or so, they dumped the original host and just replaced him with some daytime host who, get this, put on a leather jacket to show he was hard.
Well the harder music slowly left the show and suddenly it turned into another industry showcase for bands that MTV thought were edgy. Yeah. Next time anyone says to me the Sugarcubes ate "edgy" slap me right in the fucking face and give me two farts to jesus cause if this is edgy I must be listening to some Norwegian Death Metal type of shit.
Wait. I was.
Oh well. When MTV can't even satisfy your fix, all hope be lost.
Moving on from that rant, let's get down and funky!
Yo! MTV Raps
This was a good show. Playing everyday! Well it was when Dre and Ed Lover took over from that god awful Fab Five Freddy. Jeez he was bad. Fab Five Freddy. A little trivia for you all. In that Blondie video for "Rapture(?)" that's Fab Five Freddy dancing around in the back. Once again calling me to shout out my old mantra "Debbie harry was not punk." For christ sakes.
Well actually. If you think about it. Anthrax and Public Enemy teamed up for some song and really so did Sir Mix A Lot and The Accused so maybe my point holds no water.
Having arguments with me is fun because if you just let me keep talking, eventually I'll talk myself into a circle and shoot my own point down. It's like shooting fish in a barrel with me. Another reason I didn't pursue my true calling as a pimp.
Where the hell was I at?
Oh. Yo! MTV raps! Dre and Lover ruled. Simple point in life: if you want to make it big, have a morbidly obese sidekick. Never forget that rule. Look at Abbot and Costello. Right there. The skinny guy may be funny but fat people get the funny trump card. So I spent many a weekday enjoying my days away with my cheap beer and my two ghetto TV friends. Hey! They were my friends! If Mr. Rodgers wanted to be my friend, then they could be my friends, too. They could teach me cool things that Mr. Rodgers just couldn't. For example: Ed Lover taught me how to do that funky dance he did with his hips while Mr. Rodgers taught me how to make paper mache.
Cool kids don't make paper mache.
Cool kids do the funky Ed Lover dance.
God bless that dance.
Last but not least is Sisqo's Shakedown.
He was just cool cause everyone likes thongs, right?
thong thong thong thong thong thong
Fun Turtle trivia! I met Sisqo at Disneyland before. Sisqo does not like it if you just say "thong thong thong thong thong thong thong" to him.
I am not going any farther into the new stuff and the new people on MTV because Bam is an asshole.
Nothing personal though. - T
Yes, Bam is an asshole. But I'm going to do a couple of more recent shows, anyhow.
The show that caused thousand of brain dead children to run out into the streets and scream "I WILL TRY THIS AT HOME!" You think that might be a bad thing, but it's not. Kids who were once content to sit on their fat Cheeto loving asses and flip the remote control all day while downing Big Gulps and yelling at their moms to bake them a pie suddenly got off the couch. They went OUTDOORS. Sure, they were out there breaking bones, breaking laws, breaking everything in sight, but they were being active. They were moving. So what if by "moving" I mean rolling down a steep incline in a shopping cart? Who cares if every night ended up with a concussion? They were getting some much needed exercise in the process. Losing a few brain cells or having some metal implanted in your leg is a small price to pay for leaving behind a sedentary lifestyle for one of adventure, excitement and multiple fractures.
Plus, it never gets old to see someone getting hit in the balls with heavy objects.
Remember this show? The first time I saw this I thought, finally - they made a game show that I can actually win. With categories like Brady Metaphysics and Inside Tina Yothers and Dead or Canadian, I felt like they had created this thing with me in mind. I remember some other stuff about popcorn and big chairs and a wheel of torture - these things come back to me eventually if I light a fire under my brain - and Denis Leary and Adam Sandler. And Sing-a-Long with Colin Quinn! And some chick named Marisol. Beat the Bishop! Man, that was a fun show.
Oh, I just remembered I had the home version! And the NES version!
Sucker Free MTV
This is a current show. According to Turtle - and he would never lie to me about such a thing - you must watch a portion of this show every day in order to keep your home sucker free. Because who the hell wants a home with suckers in it? You ever have a sucker problem? Those things invade your home like flies. Get into your liquor cabinet and put their feet on your furniture and dirty your sheets and play crap like Vanilla Ice. You got to keep those suckers out of your home! You must be SUCKER FREE! Just a few minutes of this show each day will keep you safe from someone coming into your home when you least suspect it and rapping Snow's Informer while they piss on your rug. The one that tied the room together. Dude.
I think I'm overtired. -M
So those are the few, the proud, the MTV shows we picked. They weren't that bad, now were they? I mean the Real World was kinda funny when they put the guy from WAR in with the Black Panther. Them race riots just keep getting funnier every day.
MTV. Love it or hate it. It is still around.
So those were ours.
What were yours?
Michele and Turtle are both sucker free today. Are you?