Bring a Photo or Something and I'll Sign it, or Something
by Richard Wallace

I'm not particularly puritanical, and I'm pushing 40, so yes; I've been to a strip club. It's been about 15-16 years, since I was in the younger of the two usual age brackets for strip club attendees, but I've been. There are just the two main demographics at the strip club, your results may vary.

svr22.1.bmpThe first time I ever went to a strip club was the second I turned 18, with my friend Mikey whom is a couple of years older than I. He had already been hanging out at the strip clubs and took me to the one he had made his home. That is the first group of strip club denizens, the 18-30 age group. This group includes everyone from guys that have never seen a real live set of boobies to the guys that think they have a chance of dating a stripper. This is also the age range of most of the dancers, so that happens more than you might think. Mikey dated a few of them, until the novelty of it wore off. (There's a good story about his experiences with one particular woman that will have to wait for me to stop shaking with laughter too much to type every time I think about it.) I went a few times and got over it, went back to the rock clubs to hear music and be rejected by slutty girls that weren't being paid to dress that way. When I turned 21 I went back, to see the same thing only without having to drink in the parking lot first. Same deal, a bit different only because Mikey had the flu and horked in the parking lot and then again almost immediately after we entered; prompting the management to make me take him out. They didn't want to hear that he wasn't drunk, that's the thing about vomit; no one cares why. I don't think I went back more than a time or two, in groups wasting time before something more exciting and such.

The other strip club demographic is old guys with nothing better to do than pay to get excited by girls that would never even speak to them for free. I'm not that old yet, but I have no plans of ever being one of those guys. In these groups are a few guys like Mikey, that can actually get somewhere with the dancers without opening their wallets, but either way, all they have to show for it is a few hours of very risky sex and I'm just not into it. You have a few oddities, people that actually take business clients to get them confused with liquor and titties, but I think that is a lot more prevalent in the movies than IRL.

svr22.2.bmpThe main attraction in the Internet age is featured performers that the patrons have already 'viewed' online. These are the weekend nights, traveling famous strippers/pornstars show up for two or three performances a night, and probably sign stuff and pose for photos with the cave-dwellers. Not that there is anything wrong with having favorite pornstars, or driving a few hours to wait in line to get Amber Deepcrotch's autograph on your copy of "Quadruple Penetrations #12", it's just not something that I'm into, and it is at the very least, very sad. But there's nothing wrong with it if that's your thing, people do the same for guys that bounce/kick/throw/hit balls with a stick, right? Now that I think about it, there was a pornstar when I was a teenager that I would be very tempted to go and see if she rolled through town, but she was really hot. She's probably pushing 50, but I've never had a problem with older women, and you never know, I might catch her eye, and there are much stranger couplings in the world than former chronic masturbaters teenagers and former pornstars. Don't judge us, why does everyone want to destroy our love? You hate what you don't understand.

Anyway, what brought this post on was something I spied out of the corner of my infected eye on my way home the other day. We have a strip club that has a marquee towering above the on-ramp that takes me out of Tinytown towards the woods where I live. Any time that I have been in Tinytown shopping or whatever instead of heading straight home from work I see the marquee and usually it has the name of someone I've never heard of, but I always look because, you know, just curious. Ahem, anyway, the other day I noticed a familiar name that probably would have made me swerve if I had been driving; luckily I was in the passenger seat. svr22.3.bmpApparently there is an anniversary party for either this location or the strip club chain (yeah, everything is a franchise now) coming up in April, and the featured performer for Friday, April 20 will be Ron Jeremy. Yeah, a dude. Not just any dude, mind you, you don't really have to have ever been into porn to know that name, he is like the I.M. Pei Jeopardy answer for male pornstars*. He's known for three things, he's been around since the 70s, he's very hairy (his nickname is 'the Hedgehog'), and he's gotten pretty bloated over the years. There's a fourth thing but this is a family paper (no it isn't). The fifth thing he is known for, and it's too funny to just be a rumor, is that some pornstars have had a clause written into their contract that they would not have to have sex with him. Yikes, even public fornicators have their standards, I guess.

So, apparently there is a third strip club demographic out there that would intentionally go to a bar to see Ron Jeremy. I'm just hoping that he isn't going to be dancing, and that nobody is disappointed when he doesn't.

* People that don't watch Jeopardy sometimes get the idea that it is a very difficult game, it really isn't. Sure, you have to have a pretty good stockpile of otherwise useless information in your skull, but the writers have certain patterns that they follow. The most important of which is that you don't even have to understand the answer to get the question, just look for keywords; blah blah Vivienne Leigh blah = Gone With the Wind, blah blah Clint Eastwood blah = Dirty Harry, etc. I call this the rule of Common Knowledge. Take any high school senior and give him/her a word and write down the first few things they say, word-association style. At least two of these will appear in any Jeopardy questions with a category containing your word. Architect? I.M. Pei and Frank Lloyd Wright will be two of the questions. Male Pornstar? Peter North and Ron Jeremy will be two of the questions. In all my years of viewing porn (semi-retired) I have only ever gotten to know those two male pornstar names. Jeremy is ubiquitous, and eventually I found out what North's name was somehow. He is known for something in particular, but the thing that I noticed the first moment I ever saw the guy was that his hair looks like his head was about 200 degrees one day and someone wrapped a vinyl record around it.

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