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five (not so) glorious moments in the otherwise extremely glamorous sex life of a cyber vixen
by Kali Pornia
it hasn't always been wine and song in my bedroom. sometimes it's been in bunk beds and garages… and sometimes it was mad dog 20/20.
*one* -- i'll spare this website the hits of disgusting letches looking for the "v" word by saying that the moment i'm talking about here was when i first started *swimming*, so to speak.
i was in a classmate's "pool house" during a party with a guy who i just *knew* was in love with me. and when i say pool house, you should remember that this was before i got kicked out of public school. so what i really mean is a shed with a concrete floor. (hey don't be sad, he really liked me, i'm sure he put his towel down for us to lay on.)
quote of the evening? "baby can you drive this train?" said while putting his, uh,
*two* --when i was about 21 i was bartending at the local bar on the corner of my college campus. we had a regular crowd, nothing spectacular as this was a state school and most students lived off campus.
but across the street was a house in which a bunch of guys that belonged to the same fraternity lived. ("frat houses" had been outlawed due to hazing practices.) the boys used to come over and i'd get them wasted on keg beer for pennies as long as they tipped well.
one night they invited me over to the house after closing. (to be honest, a lot of nights they asked – i HATEd frat boys, but this night i caved – i'm sure drugs were promised.) so needless to say i get shitfaced drunk and end up fucking with the president in the top bunk of a bunk bed and then passing out.
i woke up in the middle of the night feeling something wet. it didn't take me long to realize that it was me pissing the bed. so what'd i do? i did what any good alcoholic would do… i finished!! and then hightailed it out of there and never went back to that job again. heh.
*three* - once when i was in seventh grade i was huffing gas in my friend stephanie's garage. her little brother was out there watching us for some reason. she went to go get something and i finished huffing and just turned around and started making out with him. she was not happy when she walked back in and caught us. he was in 5th grade. i was the talk of the middle school let me tell you…
*four* - when i was in my senior year of high school this new boy transferred in and he was kinda cute and he played football and lacrosse and he had a crush on me. this was news because everyone knew by my senior year that i was
b. a drunk cheating slut
and so no popular boys really wanted anything to do with me. so before any of the other boys had a chance to warn him about me, this guy asked me out. one night we're fooling around on the couch while my parents were downstairs sleeping/watching tv and it gets pretty heavy and he's fingering me and i'm moaning and it's hot.
then he pulls his hand out of my pants and it's covered in blood. oops sorry mr popular football guy looks like i got my period. horror shame embarrassment i'm not going to school on monday. but turns out he was cool about it and didn't tell anyone and we went to homecoming together.
then at homecoming i got drunk and left with someone else and THEN on monday everyone was calling me BLOODY MARY. ha! high school what fun.
years later i run into the guy in annapolis and he's going to the naval academy and i'm wasted and he comes up to apologize for being such a dick in high school and of course i accept and sneak back to the naval academy and have sex on his roommate's bed with him and when i get up to leave at 4 in the morning while he's still sleeping (pro move) i realize that i got my period during the night and the whole bed is covered in blood. bloody mary strikes again.
*five* - wow. hard to follow that last one there. lessee… oh, here's one. one time i go home with a guy from a bar. (this one i happened to know.) we do the whole falling in the bedroom door ripping each other's clothes off thing. screw each other's brains out then pass out in his bed.
in the morning i'm doing the follow the clothing trail to get dressed thing while he rubs his eyes trying to figure out who i am. i hear rustling from the other corner of the room. i hug the clothes to my chest and crane my neck over the bed to see a playpen. with a toddler in it.
"what the fuck is that?" i ask.
"that's my daughter."