Your First Time
by Branden Hart


You remember it like yesterday: your lips touching the edges of that sweet, succulent hole. For some of us, it might have been a hole the size of a baseball; for others, just a small, round "O." You stick your tongue out a little bit, just to get a little taste and make sure you like what you're getting yourself into. Pretty soon, you drink of the juices, and it's good, and before you know it, you can't stop.

Yes, we've all experienced it—our first taste of alcohol.

So drinkers, prepare to reminisce, because I have some questions for you, and I need some fucking answers.

1. When was the first time you got drunk and what happened?

I was 18. Yeah, I was 18 the first time I got drunk. Look, not everyone feels the need to rebel against authority, alright? Some of us actually fucking like the rules. We know they keep us safe. And that's the way I was when I was sixteen. But then, when I turned seventeen, all of that changed. I started drinking my parents' liquor. Just sneaking shots here and there. Never getting drunk, just tasting them. One night my senior year of high school, I played piano at an event for my father's work, came home before my parents, and celebrated my first paying gig with a whiskey and coke. God, was that thing horrible. I wish I could go back to myself that night and say, "Listen dumbass, you want two or three shots in there—not five. And dammit—use some fucking ice!" But no, I fixed a shitty whiskey and coke, and couldn't even get past the first few sips.

I suppose all that makes this next bit even more pathetic. Because the first time I actually got drunk, it was off of Zima. FUCK OFF IT WAS ALL WE HAD. And this wasn't any ordinary Zima. This shit had been sitting behind a radiator for two weeks. Because that's the only place my girlfriend could hide it.

My girlfriend's mom didn't give a shit what we did, so one night we just started drinking Zima, then got naked, messed around, and watched TV. I can't explain the feeling of being drunk that night. So fun, so funny, just a wonderful time. I'll never forget that first night being drunk with my naked girlfriend. It's one of the best memories I have of that crazy whore.

2. What did you drink the most of when you started drinking?


The answer is, anything and everything. I went through it all: vodka, tequila, trashcan punch, kegs of Keystone Light, forties of Mickey's and OE, MD 20/20, Boone's Farm, a wonderful concoction by a wonderful man named Bernard called The Gin Bucket, and Thunderbird. Well, ok, not Thunderbird—even I had enough sense not to mess with that shit.* Our favorite though was cheap beer. Which, for me, meant Old Milwaukee. Not The Beast. The Beast's older, grumpier brother. I have no idea why I drank this shit. Maybe it was because I could get a twelve-pack of tall boys for six bucks. Maybe it was because everyone else hated it so I never had to worry about anybody drinking my beer. Come to think of it, there's no maybe about it—those are precisely the two reasons I drank that beer.

*No offense meant to connoisseurs of this fine beverage.

3. What do you drink the most of now?

Miller Lite. I know—not too far from the Milwaukee's Best. But it's a gulping beer, and I like to gulp. It's perfect for my budget too. And while I love a good ale from Avery or whatever Dogfish Head has put out recently, my reliable, everyday beer is Miller Lite.

4. What is the most fun you've had while drunk?

Pecan Island—Louisiana. It was one of the best times of my life. My buddy Mule had a cabin up there, and about twenty of us drove from San Antonio to Louisiana to drink, hang out in an absolutely gorgeous spot of nature (yes, Louisiana has some gorgeous scenery), sleep, and eat. And fornicate. Which most of us were too drunk to do, but I know a couple of people… Anyway, it was a transcendental experience. I puked on a cat. Good times.

superdrunk.jpg5. What is the drunkest you've ever been?

Hands down, this was in one of the first months I started drinking. I started out the day at three at a frat house. Drinking from a keg before a soccer game. We took the keg to the soccer game—drank there, got belligerent, went to the campus kitchen to get food. Went back to friend's dorm room, and started taking shots of vodka. I took at least twelve in less than three hours. We left for a party, and the last thing I remember is stepping into the backseat of my friend's car.

Here's what happened over the next five hours, according to eyewitness reports:

Back at the frat house, I play quarters and drink at least six or seven beers. Then I move on to playing Asshole. By the time I'm through, I'm falling down drunk and have to be carried into the back of a truck to be taken home. I'm walked back to my dorm room, put in bed. But I'm not satisfied—oh no. I proceed to get up and walk about two miles to a party I know about. There, I hit on every chick in sight, completely bite ass in front of everybody, and make a total fool of myself. My good buddy scooped me up and asked his friends—all women and his sister—to drive us both home. In the car, I'm singing as loud as possible, and one of the girls makes a comment to the effect of, "Man, you sure are drunk!" This part I actually remember, because I thought it would be hilarious to say something along the lines of, "Man, what do you guys know—you're just a bunch of bitches!" I thought that, at least, my friend would find it funny. And he did, but he knew better than to laugh. I didn't. I ended up getting thrown out of the car and busted my knee on the curb.

The next morning started out with booze and strippers. But that's a story for another time.

Five essential questions, ladies and gentlemen. We've all had our ups and downs with that wonderful mistress that is alcohol, with her chocolate coated breasts and minty starlight kisses. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to kick my broad's ass in Wii bowling. And drink some beer while I'm at it.

Uberchief needs some answers, and he is RUNNING OUT OF TIME.



1. Girlfriend's roommate's party, at their apartment. I'd always been a good kid and, though I'd drank, I'd never been drunk.

Long story short, some retard brought out a playstation with a Dance Dance Revolution mat, and I stepped right up. I was doing quite well - except that I was six inches to the left of the center of the mat.

2. I have a hereditary weakness for Vodka. As such, anything mixed with vodka was my drink of choice. Martini, screwdriver, Vodka & Redbull, etc. If it was part fermented potato, I was a fish in water.

3. Nowadays I LOVE me some Shiner Heffenweisen. For anyone who hasn't tried it, it's a delicious wheat beer by the good folks in Shiner, Tx - it is to die for with a slice of lemon. Oh, and 4 of them will blitz a grown man, they're about double alcohol of normal beer.

4. Most fun I've had while drunk was at a friend's party. I was newly single and had brought along a date. We walk in and there is a table SPECIFICALLY HAND MADE FOR THE PLAYING OF BEER PONG.

My date and I made a rad team and kicked three shades of shit out of all of our opponents, but you know what they say - there's no loser in beer pong.

And, apparently, the cops showed up a half-hour after we left, and my buddy smooth-talked himself out of about a dozen Minor-In-Possession charges.

5. Most drunk I've ever been was at yet another college party. This time it was a fight party held by one of the guys who attends my fight gym. We all gathered around at his place and watched the PRIDE fights on Pay Per View while dutifully sucking through a keg of Miller Lite.

SIDENOTE: in case you didn't know, 20 martial artists can float a keg in about an hour.

Anyway, I was drunk to the point that when I went to sit in a chair, it felt as though I fell through a bottomless abyss for five minutes before my ass hit the wood. The party slowed down and a bunch of us went back to my house, including a girl I was interested in. Right before she left, she let slip "because she was drunk" that she considered me "undateable". Ouch.

Egged on by my roommate and buddy, I took three whiskey shots in quick succession and then beat living hell out of my punching bag - I was far too drunk to remember to put on gloves - then made a rambling, perfectly grammatical post on my LiveJournal about women sucking, then passed out.

In the morning, I woke up and went "arg" when I moved my hungover brain, then "AHH" and clenched my fist when I remembered the phrase "undateable", then "ARRRRRRGGG SHIT" when I clenched my fist and my seven bloodied knuckles (from the bag) all screamed in fury at being disturbed.


I see what you did here. Ask enough questions and the size of your article will double from reader contributions. You sneaky monkey.


You know, Uber, for a second I thought we'd changed to a porn site. I was getting all worked up. What a let down.

1-I think I started drinking when I was around 15.

2-Vodka has always, always been the juice of the debil. It's what I always drink now, too, so there's #3.

4 & 5, too-I was down at the grad dorms that the GaTech football players were staying in one summer. I worked with a lot of them at a local theme park in security. I was 18. There was a party. I'm partial to big, yummy football players, sooooo, you can guess that I was in h-e-a-v-e-n. A couple of girlfriends and I cooked a huge spaghetti lunch for a lot of them. You can see where this is going. Later, an ENTIRE fifth of the foulest Mr. Boston vodka later, and good DR locked herself in one of the two bathrooms in the dorm. Puke all over the ceramic tile. The cool, cool ceramic tile that I rested my pretty little lit-up head on for about an hour before realizing that people were knocking on the door. I had to clean up. I could not leave the pink and red puke all over the tile and in the grout...and in my hair. I cleaned up most of it, washed my hair in the tub, and walked back into the party with a wet head, shorts, and a towel wrapped around my top like nothing had happened-like I hadn't spent the last hour and a quarter locked in the bathroom.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, good times.


1. With my dad (love ya dad!) I was like 16. My brother rode his bike to the store to get some candy, or whatever, and my dad looked at me when he left and said "you know, I bet we could be pretty tanked by the time he gets back." you know what? he was right.

2. beer and tequila. still love that mexican pain juice.

3. Beer is usually yuengling. Affordable and delicious. However, I stick to single malt bourbons and scotches. I'm a Maker's Mark whore, and have been digging on Laphroaig scotch lately.

4. Summer House Party at my fraternity, 2002. Over the course of 12 hours, I drank close to 40 beers, consumed vodkamelon, and ate shitty greasy burgers.

5. Last year, Atlanta. Fark party. DR was there, she saw my retardedness first hand. I was fine with the gin & tonic I had. I was fine with the tequila at the burrito joint. I was fine with the beer. I was fine with the 1/3rd of a bottle of tequila I had in my room. I was fine with the jello shots. When someone broke out the 122 proof bourbon, I started to say ... hey, hold it. When someone broke out the moonshine, dear christ almighty.

I don't remember much of it, but nobody will let me forget it. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.


1. My family was out at this cheezey Italian joint called Regio's on the corner of Western and Irving. Checkered table cloths, chianti bottle with candle, the whole picture. It must have been me or my sister's birthday or somethin' cuz that was where we went for that stuff. I was 8 or 9. My dad was drinking Old Fashions, I was drinking Roy Rogers (7Up and Cherry Juice). It was dark. The waitress mixed up our drinks. My Dad and I toasted and took big gulps. Mom says we both made the same face. It burned, it hurt, I convulsed and then...BOOM...AHHhhhhhhhh. For the first time in my life I felt like I was part of my family in a warm glow.

2. Beer and Jack Daniels. And no, I'm not one of those guys who drank Jack because it was in a fucking rock video, I honestly prefered it from the first time I had it. Had a Vodka kick and a Gin kick and brief affair with 151 Rum, but beer and Jack were my "get it done" drinks...unless I could afford Old Bushmills or on rare occaissions, Remy Martin. Cause Remy was my "that's a very nice buzz thank you." drink. Cigars were mandatory on a Remy night.

3. I quit drinking in 1988, again in 1990, and again in 2000. I don't drink now. Some o' dem tell me I ain't never gonna make it. I tell dem to piss off.

4. There was a Rock Barn in Vegas called "Crackers." It was open to 4 A.M. every night with live music almost all the time. There was many a good night there.

5. July of '87 to March of '88. Don't think I drew a sober breath. Most nights killed most of a 12 pack and half a bottle of sumthin'. Weekends were for "serious" drinking. Yeah, no one ever said, "So Tim, why'd you quit drinkin'?"


baby huey, I don't remember a whole lot about that Saturday night. I was pretty intoxicated myself. I have pictures, though...

And Timmer...
I'm not one of those guys who drank Jack because it was in a fucking rock video
Oh yeah RIGHT, you poser.


Okay...I'll admit...watching Belushi down a bottle in Animal House may have had some influence on my young, forming, late adolescent brain.


1. At a party when I was fifteen. Drank too many beers and woke up with a hangover. Typical "Nothing" first time. Didn't get caught, Didn't get too stupid. Just Nothing.

2. Guinness. So I could be cool with my Irish Heritage.

3. Depends on what I'm eating, since I usually don't drink a beer just by itself. If it's something heavy and greasy, I like a "Heavy" drink to balance it out, like Guinness or an ale. If it's spicy, I'll be drinking something "Thinner" 'cause I'll be thirstier, like a Molson's.

4. College party. Junior year. Drunk as shit and totally pantless. We were playing mini-golf and one of my friends hit a chip shot that nailed me right in the balls. Even I had to admit that it was funny as Hell, after I recovered. Plus, I won the game, which helped.

5. Another college party. It was the dregs of the evening, when we'd gone through everything else and were looking any scrap of booze. The last lucid moment that I have was of doing shots of bad Mexican tequila. Tasted exactly like hickory-smoked shag carpeting.


baby huey, I don't remember a whole lot about that Saturday night

This was Friday night at Trivia. I could barely think Saturday. I didn't have more than a couple of beers saturday night.


The last lucid moment that I have was of doing shots of bad Mexican tequila. Tasted exactly like hickory-smoked shag carpeting.

my friend, you've just experienced mezcal, not tequila. calling mezcal tequila is like calling boone's farm fine french wine.

but you're right, it does taste like barbecued ass.


1. The first time I got drunk was at a friend's birthday party. Her father got us all drunk, I must have been around 14. All I remember is her father (who I think was gay, he reminded me of Marty from Barney Miller) smiling at me and then I was home, with my mother saying, "Are you drunk?" answering, "No" and then laughing hysterically.
2. As previously discussed here, Stonehouse brand vodka. Aged on the truck ride up from NJ.
3. Foster's beer, Crown Royal and my new, favorite, late-night cocktail, Hennessy and Bailey's, I first had it with a bunch of drunken Irishmen at a party in Nanuet.
4.Most fun I had while drunk was on St. Patty's day in Albany, NY in 1996 or so. I worked at a restaurant with a bunch of girls and we went out and got hammered with a capital "Hammer". We ended up dirty dancing at some dance club. Me and about 6 girls. I got 3 lap dances, at one point I had two girls with their legs wrapped around my leg legs (one on each leg) and, well, it was fun. Guys kept coming up to me and shaking my hand all night. The only bad part, there was a girl there I wanted and she got in a fight with my friends so I went home alone. Eh, I probably would have been useless anyway.
5. Most drunk I've ever been was also discussed here previously, it was my first day at work at Burger King. Ludes and a vodka chugging contest are contraindicated for your first day of work.


First time I got drunk I was about ten. Grandpa was babysitting for us. He brought over a huge jug of wine and proceeded to fall asleep. My sister and I took the wine into the bathroom and got drunk/sick.

When I first started drinking for real - maybe about 8th grade, possibly 7th, it was beer. Whatever kind of beer would could get someone to buy us. Stand outside 7-11 long enough and someone would come along who had no problem with buying a 40 oz of some shit beer for little kids.

I no longer drink. Haven't had a drink in about six months, except for one glass of wine, and that was about three months ago.

Most fun..hmm...had to be the tequila shot day. We went to a mexican joint during lunch hour, this was about two years ago. We ended up doing shots of tequila in addition to drinking margaritas. And went back to work (my sister, the non drinker, drove). That was FUN.

Most 18th birthday. Did 18 shots of Alabama Slammers and 18 shots of Kamikazes. Keep in mind that I am a lightweight. They called me "one drink michele" back in high school. And I weighed about 90 lbs at the time. Yea, I was very drunk.


1. When was the first time you got drunk and what happened?

I too was 18. My 18th birthday, in fact, when 18 was the legal drinking age. My friends from college took me out to a local bar and got me thoroughly trashed. I remember the band playing "Yankee Lady" for me, danced a lot, drank a lot, had a great time.

2. What did you drink the most of when you started drinking?

Umm, depended on where I was. Heineken, kahlua, gin, Jack Daniels...

3. What do you drink the most of now?

Very little actually, but Franjelica when I do.

4. What is the most fun you've had while drunk?

Do any of us really remember the fun parts? The first time I got together with the love of my life, we were both a wee bit smashed - enough for me to be babbling like an idiot and for him to decide to shut me up by grabbing my face and kissing me. In my younger partying days, it was always the dancing, which actually led to me drinking just water, so I usually sobered up before the night was over - if you'll dance with me, I'm a cheap date. Still.

5. What is the drunkest you've ever been?

The night I went out drinking with my brother and cousin, sucking down Jack Daniels, then got up to dance to "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" with my cousin... and puked all over the dance floor. I don't drink Jack anymore, 'cause that wasn't the only time he sucker-punched me.


1. When was the first time you got drunk and what happened?

I was 14 and it was a friend's birthday party. We got an older friend to buy us two fifths of Mad Dog a piece. We each drank one of ours that night.

Mad Dog does weird shit to an adolescent's brain. We wound up, the three of us, sitting back to back next to the railroad tracks singing made up songs. To this day, I remember our hit single (comprised of one line): Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Benji! Beastiality!

It was funny at the time, dammit.

2. What did you drink the most of when you started drinking?

Rum and Coke.

3. What do you drink the most of now?

I quit drinking in '97. These days I have a beer about once a month or so.

4. What is the most fun you've had while drunk?

That's a toughie. I've done some pretty fun shit fucked up. Rappeling off the side of our barracks in Okinawa was pretty fun (one dude forgot gloves and fell).

5. What is the drunkest you've ever been?

On Okinawa (of course), my wife and I went to a birthday part for the kid of some friends of ours. It quickly turned into an adult party.

I put down about a litre of Captain Morgan and began thinking that I could outwrestle our host (a Green Beret). Needless to say, while it was fun, he basically used me as a human shovel.

After that, I have no recollection of that night at all. It was the first and only time I blacked out and it scared me to death.


This is the part where I should add that when I say "wrestling," I mean "wrestling," and not some nasty euphemism or anything.


1. I was twelve years old. Since I was the family accident, I was able to get extremely drunk at at my sister's wedding reception. The bartender didn't know I was from the poor side of the wedding and served me as long as I promised not to drive a boat home from the country club afterwards.

2. Country CoolAid, aka 2 liter bottles of Bartles and Jaymes to get a buzz on before heading to the party o the night.

3. Gin is my tipple of choice. It tastes like summer.

4. The celebration at the Showalter fountain after IU won the NCAA championship in 1989. Mardi Gras in New Orleans didn't even come close.

5. Drunkest I've ever been? Probably the night I ran into a parked car after a night on the town, totalling it and my truck as well. That's a nightmaer that haunts me to this day.


Wait, so a lot of you don't drink anymore? That means if we ever have a FTTW gathering, I don't have to worry about driving home and will have people to take care of me?



Were you planning on driving home to Texas?

I just figured you would sleep off the five day drunk coma on Turtle's couch.


1. 14 years old off of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. I was a drunk know-it-all teenager and thats about as bad as it gets.
2. Anything I could get my hands on, but probably wine coolers, Zima, Boone's - bascially any of the nasty bitch drinks
3. Beer - any kind, all the time
4. Any time spent drinking near water - either on a beach or tubing the river!
5. Ghettofabulous party - sophomore in college, dressed as gansters & sipping on MD 20/20. I went to bed downstairs and woke up upstairs next to my best friend in her boyfriend's bed.


I just figured you would sleep off the five day drunk coma on Turtle's couch.

That depends--is it a pleasant couch?

Posted by: Sarah

Ladies and gentlemen--meet my girlfriend! She's the broad I always mention in my articles. A couple of things you should know about her:

Beer - any kind, all the time

Sarah's the best drinking buddy a guy could ever have.

Ghettofabulous party - sophomore in college, dressed as gansters & sipping on MD 20/20. I went to bed downstairs and woke up upstairs next to my best friend in her boyfriend's bed.

I tried so hard to get her to come up to my room that night--the party was at my house. But no, she had already made out with some douchebag and I guess it's in her moral code or something not to hook up with more than one person in a night. Might as well be a nun or something.


1. Fifth of Southern Comfort, a hot summer day, sledgehammer, concrete porch and a wheelbarrow-puked my guts out.

2. Jack Daniels

3. Equally, wine, Guinness and good vodkas.

4. What's more fun than sex, drunk or sober?

5. Tough one. Probably drinking for 30 hours straight, travelling from Trinidad to Michigan, or a vodka drinking contest in Galveston Texas, were two of us drank 3 liters in 3 hours. Yeah, I puked my nads up and did it on a plane during take off the next morning. ugh.


Hi Sarah!

You may not be a nun, but you must be a saint.


You may not be a nun, but you must be a saint.

Damn straight M. Mother Teresa ain't got nothin' on this bitch.


OMG Boone's Farm, yes!

A friend of mine & I got down to Fla several hours ahead of the rest of our friends. We walked across the street to the liquor store, bought three bottles of yummy, fruity, Boones Farm, and drank it all before they got down there. We were nasty drunk and it was kick ass.

Thanks for that reminder.


In my defense, Uber was only about 200 yards from his room on campus when he got kicked out. Anyways, you're damn right I knew not to laugh, those girls were nothin' but bitches...


eXTReMe Tracker