So, most of you (all?) know I work offshore on various ships-all part of a worldwide fleet. The crew consists of people from many disciplines and they all are required to be able perform a wide variety of tasks, in addition to their particular job. It’s something like being an astronaut, where, if someone falls ill, you have to be able to do their job, if something breaks, you have to be able to fix it, etc. Because of this, we put our trainees through two types of training before they become a regular crewmember (but still very much a trainee). First, they must do a training rotation on a ship, to see if they have what it takes to work the long hours, live on a ship, get along with people in a confined environment and all that jazz. Then, they get sent off somewhere in the world for a few months to be immersed in an intensive training school where they will acquire the skills to begin their job. Someday, I may write about my experience at one of these schools.

Anyway, the trainee is usually given little knowledge of what to expect when he is sent of for his training cruise. He is told to bring a few clothes and toiletries and off he goes, into the great unknown. Usually, he’s a twenty-one yr old college kid without a clue.

Once in a while, he asks the right (wrong) person too many questions about what to bring, what to expect, etc., and that person gives them an email address to the ship and they mail us with questions. Big. Fucking. Mistake.

Hello Neil,
So, you are a new trainee about to join our ship and want to know what to expect and to bring out here? I’m glad you took the time to email me. I can certainly help you in both areas, as I have been out here for ten, long years.

First, here is a list of things not to bring:
Clothes, toiletries and things for entertainment. The crew will steal them and if you resist they will hurt you. Getting hurt your first day on the job is NOT the way to start your career, so leave it all at home. We will issue you one boiler suit to use for the ten weeks you will be out here. If you must, you can try to bring one extra pair of undershorts. I recommend you wear them under one of your socks. Don’t bother trying to crotch or keister them. Both of those areas will be thoroughly checked by the crew, rest assured. Don’t worry about that, either. You will get used to the intimacy, eventually. Oh, while I’m thinking about it, could you send a picture of yourself, before you come out? Some of the crew are asking…

Do bring:
A number 8 torx-head screwdriver, tampons, your sea diaper, a futon because the deck up top is hard to sleep on, a mosquito net, cordless drill, Astroglide (24 oz jug) a five week supply of Imodium, malaria curative kit, a football helmet of cream cheese, cigarettes and condoms for the border guards, a bible and a sheet to be sewn into in case of accidental death. If you don’t want any words said on your behalf, you can skip the bible. Books should include; the complete works of Ozdogan Zilmaz (the illustrated version), Tricks of the Trade for Prison Bitches by I. C. Colon and The Field Guide to Trauma Medicine by I.C. Gutz. you can find these at any Borders, or online at Amazon.

Now, what can you expect while out here, thousands of miles from home? That entirely depends on who gets to take you under their wing. The boys are still fighting over it and you have yet to send a picture, not that most of us care. You will find it interesting out here and will have the opportunity to see what each of us does, firsthand. Each one of us will make you do our job for a few days. We look forward to the time off, let me tell you. Just don’t fuck up, or the beating you take when we steal your shit will seem like playtime with Tickle Me Elmo. Don’t worry about your lack of experience, though. Each night before you take over someone’s job, they will give you a stack of manuals and reference documents to memorize before morning. Sleep is over-rated, anyway.

The hours are long, but you will get three breaks a day, to prepare our food, serve us and then wash the dishes. You are allowed to eat all the scraps when washing the dishes so you’ll have plenty to eat! Cool, huh? After shift, we each do our own thing; work out, watch movies, read, or have sex. After all, its not prison out here. You will be required to attend a different crewmember each night. That way you will get a taste of all the leisure activities available to the regular crew. One night you may spot someone while they work out, another you might serve refreshments and give foot massages while the movie plays. Other nights, you will learn the intimate details of the magic and beauty of shipboard love. Ah, you are a lucky guy. My training trip is now just a few distant memories, but perhaps we can relive a couple of the special ones, eh?

We are all looking forward to having you.

Sincerely,

The Pirate

They tell me this guy just up and quit. Imagine that.

Pirate is still looking for someone to walk his plank. Gmail in pro...

Any Port in the Storm Archives

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