by The Pirate
So, most of you (all?) know I work offshore on various ships-all part of a worldwide fleet. The crew consists of people from many disciplines and they all are required to be able perform a wide variety of tasks, in addition to their particular job. It’s something like being an astronaut, where, if someone falls ill, you have to be able to do their job, if something breaks, you have to be able to fix it, etc. Because of this, we put our trainees through two types of training before they become a regular crewmember (but still very much a trainee). First, they must do a training rotation on a ship, to see if they have what it takes to work the long hours, live on a ship, get along with people in a confined environment and all that jazz. Then, they get sent off somewhere in the world for a few months to be immersed in an intensive training school where they will acquire the skills to begin their job. Someday, I may write about my experience at one of these schools.
Anyway, the trainee is usually given little knowledge of what to expect when he is sent of for his training cruise. He is told to bring a few clothes and toiletries and off he goes, into the great unknown. Usually, he’s a twenty-one yr old college kid without a clue.
Once in a while, he asks the right (wrong) person too many questions about what to bring, what to expect, etc., and that person gives them an email address to the ship and they mail us with questions. Big. Fucking. Mistake.
First, here is a list of things not to bring:
Now, what can you expect while out here, thousands of miles from home? That entirely depends on who gets to take you under their wing. The boys are still fighting over it and you have yet to send a picture, not that most of us care. You will find it interesting out here and will have the opportunity to see what each of us does, firsthand. Each one of us will make you do our job for a few days. We look forward to the time off, let me tell you. Just don’t fuck up, or the beating you take when we steal your shit will seem like playtime with Tickle Me Elmo. Don’t worry about your lack of experience, though. Each night before you take over someone’s job, they will give you a stack of manuals and reference documents to memorize before morning. Sleep is over-rated, anyway.
The hours are long, but you will get three breaks a day, to prepare our food, serve us and then wash the dishes. You are allowed to eat all the scraps when washing the dishes so you’ll have plenty to eat! Cool, huh? After shift, we each do our own thing; work out, watch movies, read, or have sex. After all, its not prison out here. You will be required to attend a different crewmember each night. That way you will get a taste of all the leisure activities available to the regular crew. One night you may spot someone while they work out, another you might serve refreshments and give foot massages while the movie plays. Other nights, you will learn the intimate details of the magic and beauty of shipboard love. Ah, you are a lucky guy. My training trip is now just a few distant memories, but perhaps we can relive a couple of the special ones, eh?
We are all looking forward to having you.
They tell me this guy just up and quit. Imagine that.
Pirate is still looking for someone to walk his plank. Gmail in pro...
Any Port in the Storm Archives
Is the sea underwear for wearing after you eat the helmet of cream cheese?
Posted by: michele | April 24, 2007 6:36 AM
Is that really you in the shower? and why do you look in pain? and where's your right hand?
Posted by: Mr. Bud | April 24, 2007 9:31 AM
Damn Pirate, the least you could have done is let the poor guy get on board before making passes at him.
...does Pirate Wife get tested for VD's regularly?
Posted by: QofD | April 24, 2007 5:50 PM
Next week, part two: rum. The following week will wrap up with the lash.
Posted by: Dan | April 24, 2007 7:30 PM
Wow, did I pick the right first article of yours to read.
Good thing I'm a northern girl raised by independent white women and the gay community. That letter just sounded like a long invite to a gay relationship filled with days of fun and domination! YAHOO!
I would have at least told him to bring a freshly waxed horse saddle with a bit for him to chop on.
Posted by: jo (from Amie) | April 25, 2007 1:25 AM
Job well done Pirate. :) lmao.
Posted by: ~crazy peanut~ | April 25, 2007 2:33 PM
1300 men went into the water that night..
Posted by: Dave in Texas | April 26, 2007 9:08 PM
Vessel went down in 10 minutes.
Posted by: pirate | April 26, 2007 9:23 PM