TAFC#11: Time to go somethin your somethin
by FTTW Staff

The editors of FTTW are sick, depraved folk. There, now that I've stated the obvious, let's move onto this week's poll ... masturbatory euphemisms.

This all started last week when we were deciding to write for our editor's picks. Here's how it went down.

Michele: Do we have a theme for this weekend?

Baby Huey: your mom. Everybody here like baseball enough to write a baseball-related post?

M: I do. I'm pretty sure turtle hates it but could probably write a whole post detailing why some other sport is superior to baseball.

if not enough of us like baseball we could do a general sports theme?


Finn: I hate baseball the way a fat girl hates Kate Moss... but I love ball
parks. It's odd, I know.....

Turtle: i could do a basketball team and a hockey team.

BH: Like, at the same time? damn.

M: it's easy once you get used to it. I could do football, baseball and hockey. You should see him take on a bowling team. Pins and all.

T: it gives "pinch hitting" an all new meaning. And don't even ask what "pulling the goalie" means.

BH: Do you often suffer from an empty net?

M: You can violate my crease anytime, baby.

T: You guys can all get what "icing" is. At least Michele knows what icing is.

M: My favorite part is the "shootout"

T: I'm going to clear my bench and sent all my boys out on the ice.


T: there would be a topic. If you had a map of the earth, what country would you must like to cum on?

M: I think someone needs to get laid. Today.

BH: Yes. I do.

M: Now when I watch the hockey game tonight, I'll feel like I'm watching porn. You people warp my mind.

yul.jpgYou can see how things like this happen. Really, it's all my (Baby Huey's) fault. I take full responsibility, so I'll get things started. If you need some help, check out these links:


Kill da Wabbit -- Come on, that's AWESOME. You have to sing it, though. Don't say it And you gotta sing it just as you bust that nut.

Go number 3 -- Originally heard it on "Drawn Together." Love it!

Badgering the witness -- Anything that demeans lawyers is OK by me.

I'm really good at this coming up with names for this. -BH

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Really, when you think about it, it’s almost a testament to the ingenuity of humanity that we’ve managed to come up with so many ways to explain exactly how much self love we have for… ourselves. Whether we’ve got a date with Rosie Palm and her Five Sisters or we’re stuck at home Looking For Clues with Fred and Daphne, we never fail to come up with newer and more clever ways to tell everyone in the room that we’re heading out to Shake Hands with the Unemployed. Because when you think about it, the only thing that separates us from the monkeys is the fact that we tell everyone that we’re off to Test Fire the Death Star… They just do it.

Euphemisms that almost made the cut: Beating the Bishop, Hugging the Hose and Shaking Hands with Yul Brynner.


Time for you all to give us your choices! And you know you have one. If not, you're lying.


"Going to do some reading" or the plain "I'll be back in half an hour" were big in the Gulf War in '91.

Side note: I had a good friend's little brother who picked rather strange hobbies every summer. One summer, it was to document every public place he masturbated at?in?on? that summer in Philadelphia. Possibly the funniest thing I have ever been privy to.

Masturbation stories and former Marines are like white on rice.


spreading my children


krushin' my groove


milking practice


Dry fire my shotgun

from my DnD days:

"Wielding the Rod of Might"


There some of the old favorites like:

Choke the chicken
Bop the baloney

A good one I heard for women was:

Dipping your digits

My favorite is a Star Wars euphemism:

Test firing the Death Star


I usually show people my hands. I present my right hand and say "This is my Career." Then I show them my left hand and say "This is my Sex Life."


Sacrificing the unborn.


Shakin' the bacon


"Punching the Clown" and "Flogging the Dolphin" were big in high school. Nowadays, I'm not as inventive with my euphemisms. "Gonna rub one out" is the modern standard.

As for female slang, I always got a giggle out of hearing the word "shlick".


As for female slang, I always got a giggle out of hearing the word "shlick".

Onomotopaeia for the win.


Well, I guess I'd better go take care of that DNA sample.


Waxing the tadpole
Working on your hobby


Everything I learned about opera I learned from Bugs and Elmer.

There's gotta be some euphemism in there using my "spear and magic helmet" but I'm too pedantic to figure one out.


I never understood this one, but "Spanking the monkey." was big in my neighborhood.

During Desert Storm, "Using the Penny's catalog." was what we used. We couldn't have porn, but the Penny's catalog opened right to the lingerie section. It's amazing how sexy those models get over time.


Punishing the penguin

Pud pumping/pounding pud

Beatin the meat

goin to shoot at the ceiling

torqing the turnip

oh, and, I can't believe no one has mentioned...

turning japanese

suggestion for the next sex topic - BOB. The girls all love BOB.



"I got your picture
I got your picture
I'd like a million of ya over my cell
I wanna doctor to take a picture
so I can look at you from inside as well . . . "

Still awesome all these years later.

IDEA FOR SUB-POLL: Best Songs (Supposedly) About Jerkin' Off

Whaddya think?


I never understood this one, but "Spanking the monkey." was big in my neighborhood.

Yeah...and that's why I don't hang around your neighborhood anymore...


IDEA FOR SUB-POLL: Best Songs (Supposedly) About Jerkin' Off

It makes me a little nervous that there are enough songs about beating off that there could be a poll as to which one is best....


I've heard the brits on my ships call it "saying hello to the bishop"


"Playing some Pong", for the old days (came up with that one)


eXTReMe Tracker