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TV Party Tonight (Alllllright!!)
by Richard Wallace
I'm a TV snob. Not one of those pretentious fops that don't watch television, and make a point of making that point frequently, but I'm a snob about what I do watch. Recently I was watching Oprah, (ironic segue, and yeah, referencing her again, can't help it, I find her fascinating as a cultural phenomenon, plus she's hawt), and whilst gushing about the show "Grey's Anatomy" to one of her guests that - you guessed it, doesn't watch television - she mentioned haughtily that she doesn't watch tv either; but she watches Grey's. That was priceless, it is very telling for any of us that might be prone to take her advice of movies to see. Maybe that lack of regular television viewing has something to do with her finding Tyler Perry so incredibly hilarious. 'Cause he ain't. Really, not at all, not a titter, not a teehee, nothin'. People that make their living on television should keep it a secret that they don't watch any, not loudly condescend through the medium their disdain for it.
I suppose I'm more of a reactionary whiny baby about people that say they don't watch any tv than a snob about what I watch, but what you watch probably sucks anyway. I don't mean that in a bad way; I'm a full-on raging hypocrite about what I watch, so we can still be biffs. I will belittle the viewing of "Full House" reruns when I was sitting there catatonic during their first run. Oh, there were roommates and chemicals involved, sure, I've always got excuses, but if you know the name Kimmie Gibbler you can't pretend you don't. You watched it, you can't unwatch it. I can bash Urkel, Balki, and Blossom, but I was there, oh yes, I was there. I can envision Blossom's daydream of pushing a shopping cart filled with enormous feminine napkins, and I haven't seen the show since it went off the air. I can even sing this: "There's nothing my love can't fix for you baby, I'm positive of this I tell youuuuuu", so yeah buddy, I've watched some crap tv.
I'm even hypocritical about shows that I wasn't embarrassed of then or now, but they got too popular so in reverse-poseur style I will claim to not watch "Seinfeld". That's not entirely accurate, now that I think about it, I don't watch Seinfeld; but I will. I watched it from the beginning, always liked it, thought the last few seasons were weak, watched them anyway, then watched for years in reruns. Then I stopped. It was surreal, feeling the next words out of every character's mouth before they happened. So I started skipping over it in search of something else. Not expecting anything better, just fresher. Then I made it back around to wanting to watch it again, depending on the episode, and I would watch more often than not. Currently, I am not watching Seinfeld, I'm on the down slope. If I say I don't watch something doesn't mean I haven't, it might even mean that I have seen every single episode multiple times.
Not that my life is actually so tragic that I watch television all the time, (it may be a bit more tragic that I spend so much time at Fark, TWoP, and Pr0nsylvania dot com); I just use television as background noise during a lot of daily chores. I could listen to music, but worn-out reruns are less distracting, and I can gauge time better with a half hour sitcom than a random album or the radio. That might not make sense to you, or you, but one or two of the rest of you do the same thing. I need to get these dishes washed, or this shirt ironed or whatever and be ready to do something else at 7; so the 6:30 Everybody Loves Raymond episode I've seen 12 times subconsciously lets me know how I'm doing on my timetable. I don't have an excuse for the first 11 times, but whatever, stop judging me!
Since this is an advice column (wait, what?), I'll use our remaining time to spout off expertly about some popular shows of the recent past.
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" ... is a soap opera. A sublimely great one, as interimnet chatter will attest to, but a soap opera nonetheless. Like "Knot's Landing" with slightly less cosmetic surgery. I say is rather than was because she continues in print, fanboys and girls shriek a collective "Duh!" in my general direction.
"Xena Warrior Princess" was a kajillion times better than "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys", in every conceivable way.
If you watched "The West Wing" and thought it was because you were really smart and only super brilliant pimples like yourself were hep to just how far beyond incredibly ultra-keen the show was - you should go watch "Bananas in Pyjamas", it's essentially the same show; and the characters talk over each other less so it's easier to keep up.
"Family Guy" should have stayed gone, in its stead FBC should have kept/brought back; "Arrested Development"; "Greg the Bunny"; "Action"; "Andy Richter Controls the Universe"; "Wonderfalls"; "The Tick"; "Herman's Head"; add your picks to the list and be entered to win an ipod nano!*
*Terms and Conditions
The editors of FTTW would like to state that Richard's endorsement of Andy Richter Controls the Universe does NOT reflect that of the site.