TV Party Tonight (Alllllright!!)
by Richard Wallace

I'm a TV snob. Not one of those pretentious fops that don't watch television, and make a point of making that point frequently, but I'm a snob about what I do watch. Recently I was watching Oprah, (ironic segue, and yeah, referencing her again, can't help it, I find her fascinating as a cultural phenomenon, plus she's hawt), and whilst gushing about the show "Grey's Anatomy" to one of her guests that - you guessed it, doesn't watch television - she mentioned haughtily that she doesn't watch tv either; but she watches Grey's. That was priceless, it is very telling for any of us that might be prone to take her advice of movies to see. Maybe that lack of regular television viewing has something to do with her finding Tyler Perry so incredibly hilarious. 'Cause he ain't. Really, not at all, not a titter, not a teehee, nothin'. People that make their living on television should keep it a secret that they don't watch any, not loudly condescend through the medium their disdain for it.

I suppose I'm more of a reactionary whiny baby about people that say they don't watch any tv than a snob about what I watch, but what you watch probably sucks anyway. I don't mean that in a bad way; I'm a full-on raging hypocrite about what I watch, so we can still be biffs. I will belittle the viewing of "Full House" reruns when I was sitting there catatonic during their first run. Oh, there were roommates and chemicals involved, sure, I've always got excuses, but if you know the name Kimmie Gibbler you can't pretend you don't. You watched it, you can't unwatch it. I can bash Urkel, Balki, and Blossom, but I was there, oh yes, I was there. I can envision Blossom's daydream of pushing a shopping cart filled with enormous feminine napkins, and I haven't seen the show since it went off the air. I can even sing this: "There's nothing my love can't fix for you baby, I'm positive of this I tell youuuuuu", so yeah buddy, I've watched some crap tv.

I'm even hypocritical about shows that I wasn't embarrassed of then or now, but they got too popular so in reverse-poseur style I will claim to not watch "Seinfeld". That's not entirely accurate, now that I think about it, I don't watch Seinfeld; but I will. I watched it from the beginning, always liked it, thought the last few seasons were weak, watched them anyway, then watched for years in reruns. Then I stopped. It was surreal, feeling the next words out of every character's mouth before they happened. So I started skipping over it in search of something else. Not expecting anything better, just fresher. Then I made it back around to wanting to watch it again, depending on the episode, and I would watch more often than not. Currently, I am not watching Seinfeld, I'm on the down slope. If I say I don't watch something doesn't mean I haven't, it might even mean that I have seen every single episode multiple times.

closet2.jpgI know who the Hekawi are (and the joke their name comes from), which twin from "Family Affair" died, I know why Tim Conway was a 'guest' for most of the time he was on "The Carol Burnett Show". I know how many girls were trimmed from "The Facts of Life" before the second season, I know that "E/R" and "ER" are two different shows starring an actor that also showed up on Facts of Life for a while. I know the names of Donna Pinciotti's sisters, I know how many Chuck Cunninghams there were, and I know what happened to Judy Winslow. I even know what state Springfield is in.

Not that my life is actually so tragic that I watch television all the time, (it may be a bit more tragic that I spend so much time at Fark, TWoP, and Pr0nsylvania dot com); I just use television as background noise during a lot of daily chores. I could listen to music, but worn-out reruns are less distracting, and I can gauge time better with a half hour sitcom than a random album or the radio. That might not make sense to you, or you, but one or two of the rest of you do the same thing. I need to get these dishes washed, or this shirt ironed or whatever and be ready to do something else at 7; so the 6:30 Everybody Loves Raymond episode I've seen 12 times subconsciously lets me know how I'm doing on my timetable. I don't have an excuse for the first 11 times, but whatever, stop judging me!

Since this is an advice column (wait, what?), I'll use our remaining time to spout off expertly about some popular shows of the recent past.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" ... is a soap opera. A sublimely great one, as interimnet chatter will attest to, but a soap opera nonetheless. Like "Knot's Landing" with slightly less cosmetic surgery. I say is rather than was because she continues in print, fanboys and girls shriek a collective "Duh!" in my general direction.

"Xena Warrior Princess" was a kajillion times better than "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys", in every conceivable way.

If you watched "The West Wing" and thought it was because you were really smart and only super brilliant pimples like yourself were hep to just how far beyond incredibly ultra-keen the show was - you should go watch "Bananas in Pyjamas", it's essentially the same show; and the characters talk over each other less so it's easier to keep up.

"Family Guy" should have stayed gone, in its stead FBC should have kept/brought back; "Arrested Development"; "Greg the Bunny"; "Action"; "Andy Richter Controls the Universe"; "Wonderfalls"; "The Tick"; "Herman's Head"; add your picks to the list and be entered to win an ipod nano!*

*Terms and Conditions
This is not a real contest, you will never win, earn, or find a free electronic device by participating in online schemes. You can, however, get a free dinner for 2 at Applebee's if you forward this to 10 people.

The editors of FTTW would like to state that Richard's endorsement of Andy Richter Controls the Universe does NOT reflect that of the site.

Sudden Valley Ranch Archives


I tent to watch some shows just for the sake of watching them. I think "24" is pretty weak this season, but I'm watching it because one I start I can't unstart. I have to finish til th end.

It's what I did with Knots Landing back in the 80's. Yea, I watched that thing religiously.

Shows that should not have gone: Agree with you on Arrested Development and Greg the Bunny. I wish there were more seasons of Futurama.

And I still miss Mr. Belvedere. Most underrated show ever.


dude, action rocked.

i too, claim to not watch seinfeld. i also hate friends but mostly because i get sucked into the sucky tv show vortex and can't get out.

mostly i blame my parents


Dear PBS,
I want my god damn Monty Python back.


There will be more episodes of Futurama, they are making them now! I read it on the internet; so it has got to be true. They have some pretty cool comics too.
I started watching Knot's Landing to see Lisa Hartman, my Mothra continued watching it until the end.

Tim: I don't know where you're at, but around here we just went through pledge weeks, three weeks long, and afterward we have had Red Dwarf and Monty Python taken away from us. Fine reward for pledging. (Maybe if I actually send the money they'll give the shows back?)


greg rules but count blah is king! viva puppets!


rolex watches


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