Continuing a long tradition of putting extraordinary expectations on inanimate objects, we now have another soul-less accessory to hang our hopes on. The Complaint Free Bracelet.

It starts at birth. Immediately we're cuffed with an ID bracelet insuring we are not mixed up with other infants who look so much like us that even our parents won't be able to tell the difference.

Later in childhood, women experience the joy and sorrow of the Friendship Bracelet. Wearing one of these proves to others that you are, indeed worthy of being someone's best friend. Until you find out that your friend practically mass produced the summer-camp trinkets and handed them out to almost every girl in school. Hurt at first, your sorrow turns to relief when you consider for a moment that you could have been the one girl who didn't get a bracelet and you feel lucky in a way that some people feel lucky to still be breathing or to have all their limbs.

And then there are the pieces of jewelry we hang the most important hopes on - those associated with marriage. The engagement ring promises, the wedding ring commits and the eternity rings incarcerates.

So this guy, Reverend Will Bowen of Christ Church Unity used this classic symbol of false hope to spread his message to the masses, instructing them to "stop whining." Actually he said "Thou Shalt Not Whine." And he will know his non-bitching followers by the purple bracelet around their wrists. And how did one kook out of a million get his hair-brained idea noticed?? Well, the lucky bastard happened to cuff one mighty important wrist - Oprah's. So because we all love to do what Oprah does lots of people (5,001,017 last I checked) are wearing these bracelets and making a promise to stop complaining for 21 days (at least.) By the end of 21 days they will be completely brainwashed and will bark like a dog on command.

And I just want to say Thank You Reverend Bowen. I now have an easy mistake-free way of knowing which freaks to stay the fuck away from.

How completely Stepford can you get? Why not just have a lobotomy and get it over with? Don't these people know that, like Prozac and Paxil these bracelets are designed to shut you the fuck up and make OTHER people happy?

Supposedly your life will be more positive aka better if you resist complaining. You wear this bracelet on one wrist and if you should let a complaint slip by accident you have to switch it to the other wrist and start the 21 day count all over again. I'll bet money it starts on the right and you wear your shame on the left for all the world to see. A Lavender Letter.

You have succeeded (and are no longer capable of shitting without permission) after you wear the bracelet on the same wrist for 21 days, after which you realize you cannot remove it as it has burned into your skin like an Auschwitz tattoo, your eyes will now be spirals and you'll smile and nod at nothing in particular at all.

In my book (soon to be a made-for-tv movie) complaining creates change or at least (through mediums such as editorial letters and blogs) creates awareness of a problem. This no complaint campaign is just another subversive way of keeping the people mute, complacent, powerless. Thou Shalt Accept Thy Fate and Be Happy About It.

Speak. Sit up. Beg. Roll Over.

Ok - I'm off now to start my own 21 day campaign. It's going to be called BitchFest, 21 days of Chaos and Music. And If I forget to complain at least once a day I'm going to wear my underwear inside out.

I Guess This Is It, Then Archives

| Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It| Stumble It!