Why Is That? (Why not, I haven't considered)
by Richard Wallace

I've been watching too much television, and I've had a few thoughts I'd like to share.

If you think all batteries are the same, consider this. When Duracell's advertising company secures an endorsement from an entity, be it a mediocre has-been hair band from the 80s or some random medical rescue unit from Anytown USA; they usually include unlimited free batteries with the enormous check that they send. If you aren't paying for them you probably change your batteries pretty frequently, so you might be prone to forgetting that you aren't paying for them, or that they're just batteries. I wouldn't be surprised to find out, for example, that the crack rescue team uses Duracell batteries in their private lives, simply brainwashed by repetitively changing out the same brand of battery at work. I'm almost positive that Bon Jovi members are prohibited from getting caught using a different brand.

The recent peanut butter and deadly pet food contaminations has awakened a lot of people to what was a fairly open secret in the mass production world: There are fewer producers out there than we might think, especially compared to the number of brands on the shelf. This is how tainted Chinese wheat used in making pet food has affected dozens of kibble brands. Chances are, whatever the outside looks like; that battery you've purchased was made by one of three companies. Choosy Moms may choose Jif, but I prefer the store brand peanut butter, and Jif probably made it anyway. I explain it this way, you don't think Foodway grocery store has their own peanut butter factory, do you? The same goes for virtually everything with a generic equivalent on the shelf. The chain store pays the national brand to make them some with their label on it.

The differences can vary widely, however. The generic peanut butter is usually a lot less sugary and repugnant, which is why I prefer it. The batteries may not last as long, but then I haven't used disposable batteries in a long time. The rechargeables are always one night being plugged in away from me having fresh batteries for my Notapod, and I don't have to drive anywhere to get them. My point is, while the manufacturer may make slight changes in the process for the product they plan to compete with themselves with, if you can't eat it you're probably better off with the knock-off. Even then, if you need to save money for luxuries like gasoline, you might want to try some of the unbranded stuff. Dairy products in particular have little to no difference between the national brand and the local and store brands. This is because Kraft doesn't send cheese and sour cream across the country; they have their labeled products made by sub-contractors in most areas, which is also where the store brand products are coming from. The same goes for Borden and Daisy, etc. Granted, these products are made under their standards with all the inherent trade secrets and recipes strictly followed, but seriously, it's just a block of cheese, not fine Swiss hand grenades.

Also brought to my attention via tv, as I promised a few weeks back; we need to talk about Kathy Ireland and Cindy Crawford designing furniture. Why exactly Kathy and Cindy are somehow better qualified for furniture design than say me, or the homeless guy I step over to get into the airport; I don't know. I designed a table that looked better on paper than it did once it was built, but then I was never on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue; what do I know about furniture design? Kathy keeps telling me how excited she is to be offering exciting solutions for exciting families, especially exciting busy moms. I find this more silly than condescending, you might take it differently, probably depending on how busy you are when shopping for furniture. Kathy has taken a more hands-on, "I'm really involved with this" approach than Cindy, whom has aligned herself with Rooms To Go, a national chain. As long as the checks clear, I'm guessing, although there are a few "I really like designing furniture" interviews with Cindy out there, so one might never know for sure. Exciting indeed.

I see a lot of young female persons, teens to twenty-somethings, wearing shirts and hoodies from this god-awful retailer named Abercrombie & Fitch. I know this because that name, or a stylized "A & F" appears in large print somewhere on all of the clothes.
I walk by the A & F retailer at the local mall, and within twenty feet of the place I can feel myself becoming a gay man, NTTAWWT. The worst, if there is such a thing, the absolute worst 'dootcha dootcha dootcha' gay nightclub music is blaring across the walkway, rattling the sunglasses right off the kiosk fifty feet away. The lighting is set at a club-like 'anonymous hand-job under the table' level, and there are posters of shirtless guys grinning and leaning on each other. I don't want to come off as a lawn-chasing old geezer, so I won't go into the fact that all this crap is made in Indonesian sweatshops very similar to the Indonesian sweatshops that produce all the other brands of clothing sold in this country, much less that the advertising is entirely about image and doesn't even feature the products. What I would like someone to explain to me, in simple words that even I can understand, is how this whole thing works. Why are presumably straight women outfitting themselves in a clothing line that seems to be marketed solely to well-adjusted, fun-loving gay men that don't even wear shirts? It just doesn't make any sense to me, and I wore both bell-bottoms and acid wash jeans in the same lifetime.

If you think all batteries are the same; you might be right.

Richard keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and going...

Sudden Valley Ranch Archives


As Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper once remarked:
"Burn down the malls"


Heck, just look at the packaging if you don't believe that there's only a few manufacturers. Other than the label and the color of the screw-top, A major brand and the private brand marketed by the grocery store I work for have identical packaging. Not to mention that we have a store brand equivalent of that abomination, Goober Grape.


eXTReMe Tracker