You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!
by Michele Christopher
The Christmas season is upon us whether you want it to be or not. Yes, it has officially started. Once Thanksgiving is over, this means you are allowed to put up your decorations and listen to Christmas music and write about Christmas stuff on your website without fear of retaliation from Grinches.
So we've got Christmas up your ass at FTTW.
Well, not literally. That would hurt.
So tonight we have put the question to our authors - and you - what are your favorite Christmas movies? The movies don't necessarily have to be about Christmas, per se, nor does it have to be a holly, jolly movie. In our world, Die Hard qualifies as a Christmas movie. So does Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Let's get the season started at FTTW!
Okay, I'll get in on this one. My favorite is the TV special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Why? Because (1) I grew up with Burl Ives records, and he voiced the snowman narrating it; (2) The Island of Misfit Toys; (3) a geek dentist-wanna-be elf for a hero?! Seriously, while the lesson kids take away from Rudolph himself is that you can be a misfit if you do something heroic and wonderful, the lesson they take away from the toys on the island is simply that it's okay to be a misfit, you're still entitled and worthy to be loved by someone. Not a bad lesson - makes me feel good, too!
I like all the standard Christmas movies, you know the ones I'm talking about. One of my favorites that does not seem to make a lot of lists is is 'Jingle All the Way' with Arnold and Sinbad. This movie cracks me up every year. I've seen it at least 10 times and it still
My Wife's favorite Christmas movie is 'Christmas Vacation.'
Of all the various incarnations of 'A Christmas Carol' the one starting Alastair Sim is the best, in my opinion..
And for Christmas action movies, it's a tie between Lethal Weapon and Die Hard. I love the part in Lethal Weapon where Mel Gibson is trying to talk the guy off the roof and then loses his mind and jumps off the building. DO YOU REALLY WANNA JUMP??
Muppet Christmas Carol - Ya, same shit new package, but hey! It's the muppets! And it had the rats! This was the perfect movie cause you could really feel the puppeteers stretch their skills to the fullest extent of their abilities.
Plus it had the rats!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - I don't know if this one really counts. I mean the movie is all Christmassy and stuff, but it really kinda sucks. I guess the only version of it I like is the MST3K version on DVD. God, I am a dork. And if you know what I am talking about, you too can join my dorkdom.
Little House on the Prairie - Christmas at Plum Creek - This was a beatiful epsode stolen right from the "Gift of the Magi." I mean, this set the whole damn show to new heights of cheesyness. This was the first season! How can they outdo themselves on this one? What could possibly be next?
You ask yourself why every week some new kid went blind or someone died? It's cause they set the bar too high in this wonderful episode of...something. I don't know what is coming next season, but after a Christmas special like this, someone better go blind fast.
3. I know it's not a movie, but every Christmas I have to listen one my favorite christmas song ever, "Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al Yankovic. Its the best, funniest christmas song I've ever heard. It tells the story of what would happen if Santa finally had it up to here! He'd get drunk, kill the reindeers, the elves would go work for the Postal Service and Mrs. Clause would work on the rights to the TV movie. Funny stuff!
That one with Chevy Chase, what is the name of it? His boss doesn't give him the bonus and his wierd cousin in his trailor comes to visit?
The Ref - So full of holiday cheer. Bickering family, runaway kid, Denis Leary getting off some of the best one liners ever (You know what this family needs? A mute.) Slipper socks, medium!
Bad Santa - If worshiping Santa was a religion, this movie would be blasphemous. So naughty. So bad. So GOOD.
I like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I saw it many, many times before MST3K (or whatever the acronym is) ever had it. The week of Christmas on Los Angeles' Channel 5 with Tom Hattan (movies in the afternoon or something, i'm sure any other 30+ year-old Los Angelite would know what i was talking about), every year, had the craziest Christmas movies on it, and this was one i looked forward to. I know the words to the theme song. You had to feel sorry for the Martians, if they're lives were so miserable they had to steal Christmas and kidnap Santa. I sometimes think, and i'd have to watch it again, that there was some sort of corrollary to the cold war involved. Plus, it had Pia Zadora in it when she was, like, 7. Who can hate that? There were some other not-so-famous yet people in it, but i don't remember who they were.
And i also love A Christmas Story. I saw it in the theater when it came out with one of my friends from school, and we rolled. We laughed so hard, we had to move during the movie because our seats were wet (She spilled a big ol coke). When forced to sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing", I always add in "Fah rah rah rah rah". It's a weird movie, because when it came out, it was just another cheesy Christmas movie, but it's become SO classic, some phone company is using it this year.
And ALL the Rankin Bass movies.
"Trapped in Paradise" ... it's the only movie where I can tolerate Nic Cage, but that's more because of Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey than anything.
Trancers: Jack Deth. Pre-post-famous Helen Hunt as a young punk rock girl. Sci-Fi time travel and a cool plot. There's none better.
Well, I love Die Hard, but I don't really think of it as a Christmas movie. Here are my picks:
Also, Rudolph's dad is the world's biggest asshole and Santa's a royal prick.
Well, I'd like to say Silent Night, Deadly Night, but I was like twelve years old and my mom made me turn it off when Santa Claus ripped the chick's shirt open and slit her throat. (That's the one, right?) Since I can't say that in any honesty, though, I'll stick with the homely old tried and true and say A Christmas Story. Seriously, we taped that one every year. There must have been six copies of it floating around my house at some point. "You'll shoot yer eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho." Fond memories.
1. Babes in Toyland - 1986 TV version (drew barrymore) - Did I mention I wanted to be Drew Barrymore? We were around the same age when this came out. It brings back great memories, of the way Christmas wasn’t.
2. Ernest Saves Christmas - I used to pretend I was Vern. He was a very earnest man (oddly enough) and I found this movie to be charming in an odd red-neck kind of way. And dang gone it! He DOES save Christmas! Oh wait – was that a spoiler?
3. Heidi (1952) - Girl on a mountain with a grumpy old man. There are goats and heartwarming messages of love and understanding. Best of all? Did I mention goats? Or maybe they are sheep?
runner ups… A Christmas Story (made me WANT a bebe gun), Ghostbusters II (Christmas and
1. Its a Wonderful Life - I like this film because back in its day, Frank Capra made a neat little movie that was a little unconventional for the time and should even the guy who always did the right thing had failings and could feel like it all wasnt worth it. People like this movie for many differant reasons, i like it because its a sweet story about an honest guy almost getting crushed under the weight of the world for just being a good guy.
2. A Christmas Story - This is just a funny film about being a kid and the nonsense that comes with Christmas. Its Americana gone bad, and even though we would love to think the 40s and 50s were perfect, with perfect families, this movie makes fun of all that and plays out some pretty funny nonsense.
3. Bad Santa - Prolly one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. A really great dark comedy that is so twisted and bent you cant help but love this fucking movie. Hands down one of the funniest films ever. I mean, how can you not love a film that has a whole "Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa" scene. I love this movie.
Night of the Demons 2: In high school, my best friends and I didn't drink or do drugs. Instead, we would go to the video store and find the worst movies we could, take them home, and give them the MST3K treatment. The first, and most classic time we did this, was with Night of the Demons 2. This movie had everything. Classic lines like "All the girls call me kingsnake." "Oh yeah? I heard it was inchworm." Classic scenes, like a nun practicing swordplay with a yardstick, and one of the girls catching a basketball between her legs. Supersoakers filled with holy water. Lipstick that crawls up a chick's vagina. Not to mention hot naked chicks, and a recognizable cast. Ever heard of Christine Taylor? Yeah, Ben Stiller's smoking hot wife. If I remember right, you get to see her tits in this movie. Or maybe some other chick's tits. Hell, I don't know. What about Darin Heames? You'd recognize him as a member of the Pit in PCU. And, a bunch of other people that have cameos in tons of cheesy sitcoms. So we watched this flick probably a dozen times the first time we rented it. I don't think any of us will ever forget my buddy Thomas screaming "That fool's bonin' Satan!" as one of the guys onscreen was, well, boning Satan.
When we all went away to college, we would come home over the Christmas holidays and continue the tradition. Anytime we had a chance to rent Night of the Demons 2, we'd get it, and watch it time after time, laughing our asses off. Watching these flicks with my friends were some of the best times I had in my life, and when I think of Christmas, I think of all of us sitting around, making fun of Night of the Demons 2, and watching people bone Satan.
I like Christmas movies like I like a kick in the pants. They’re fairly predictable and very uncomfortable. So instead of giving you my favorites, I decided to go with the one’s I like the least.
He-Man She-Ra Christmas Special – Apparently, when Jesus died, he died for everyone’s sins, even the unforgivable things that Man E Faces did. I can’t begin to describe the bad; suffice to say that for some reason, Eternians also celebrate Christmas and it just so happens that Prince Adam’s birthday is on the same day. Does that make him some Hulked-out Messiah or is it coincidence ?
Star Wars Christmas Special – The one and only time this aired I was six years old and a giant Star Wars fan. And this two hour atrocity almost killed my rampant fanboyism quicker than The Phantom Menace would years later. It’s got Art Carney, Bea Arthur, a handful of cute and cuddly Wookie kids and Carrie Fisher High as a kite and singing. George Lucas has said “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.” and I, for one, would gladly join him.
But right now, we want to hear your favorite, least favorite or whatever it is about Christmas movies that makes you drawn to them. And you have to watch. Over and over.
And as always, we accept ideas for Group LNT topics.
Just drop us a line.
Ho Ho Ho