If this is the Trainwreck column, then it must be Friday. Made it through another week!

For the uninitiated, this is the weekly column where the writers of FTTW get together and talk shit about things. I'd call it a roundtable discussion, but there are no tables at FTTW headquarters and it's not so much a discussion as a bunch of people sitting around fighting about the last piece of pizza or the last swig of FTTW-brand moonshine.

That's our weekly meetings. You should check out our office parties.

Anyhow, this week's discussion was about sidekicks. You know, those guys that always hang around someone famous and usually have all the good ideas and do all the hard work while the the sidekick has to sit around and bear the brunt of the other guy's wisecracks and pretend that he isn't the brains behind the operation. A good sidekick will play dumb for his partner. You just hope that some day he gets the karma owed him.

So, who's your favorite sidekick?

Dave in Texas: Baba Louey

Pril: Barnacle Boy. Because he's like 100 years old and is still "barnacle boy" (sidekick of Mermaid Mad from Spongebob).

Joel: I'm going to break out my Buffy obsession for this one and go with season four-era Spike. For those who don't know, he was a bad ass vampire who was constantly trying to kill Buffy, her boyfriend, her friends, her family, and anyone else he could get his hands on. But he was also a total romantic, in a twisted sort of way, both in love and in terms of liking this world.

Key quote to demonstrate the twisted romanticism: "We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs."

So come season four, he gets a nice little computer chip in his head that makes him unable to hurt humans.

And hilarity ensues.

A neutered Spike first coming to Buffy and her friends for help and then eventually helping them to fight demons when he realizes he can still hurt them, even if he can't hurt humans, was brilliant. Of course, he was still evil, but he was so desperate to commit acts of violence, he decided to help Buffy go after the demons, just because that was what he could beat up on. It was a season filled with many very funny Spike scenes and it was the start of turning him into one of the most fascinating and entertaining characters ever to grace television.

Branden: Comics: Tetsuo from Akira. Whiny sidekick turned kickass telepathic/kinetic prime minister.

TV (sitcoms): Larry from Three's Company. The perfect 80s scumbag.

TV (not sitcoms): Jonesy, from the short-lived HBO series Carnivale. Tough, racist, but would always stand by people he believed in.

Movies: Patsy from Holy Grail. Hell, the entire round table kicked ass. Sir Robin is a total whiner, Gallahad almost gets it on with dozens of women in Castle Anthrax, and Lancelot is just a guy who likes to do this in his own...his own...um...

Baby Huey: I'mma go all obscure. My favorite is Utahraptor from Dinosaur Comics. He's T-Rex's straight man. He really sets up old T-Rex for some great lines. For example:

[click for bigger]

Richard: Bender B. Rodriguez, because he's a robot. A robot that gambles, and pimps, but does not advocate the cool crime of robbery. I forgive his adoration of Beck, 'cause robots have zero taste in music. You might say that Fry is Bender's sidekick, you would be not entirely incorrect, so I'll go with Kif Kroker, the complainingest sidekick in the galaxy, to 25-star general Zapp Brannigan. The dog and the baby on that Family Dude show are the only not-annoying part of it, not sure which is the sidekick or if they are a buddy team like Hope & Crosby.

Forget all that, or don't, but I want to say Arthur to the Tick. Because he is the rational one, and it always bites him in the ass. How did I get the idea they had to be cartoons?

Phil: I'm going to pick up on Joel's Buffy obsession and say Willow Rosenberg. I think she was the only reason I watched that show, because I have a thing for really hot nerds with magic powers. Mind you, I never had a crush on Alyson Hannigan, because I know that there is a difference between characters and the people who play them on TV. So I get crushes on fictional characters. Umm...I think that's healthy..

Pirate: I am compelled to pick Keith Richards as the greatest sidekick of all time, based only on this headline I just read: Keith Richards: "I snorted my father".

-He rocks and everybody else just rolls.

Bonnie: My favorite sidekick is peanut butter. It goes with everything!! Just think of everything it's linked with:

Jelly, Chocolate (in all forms), Marshmallow Fluff, Bannanas, pretty much anything can be dipped in or coated with it! Great sidekick!

Cullen: Best sidekick? Bruce Lee.

Best roundhouse? Chuck Norris.

(Seriously though, Lee as Kato in the Green Hornet was awesome.)

DR: Zan and Jayna...The Wonder Twins! They're each other's best side kicks. Who else can you count on to turn herself into a bucket of water at the exact time you need to turn yourself into a pterodactyl so you can defeat the bad guys?

Awesome sidekicks, indeed!

I also like Cleft, Boy Chin Wonder from Fairly Odd Parents. He's the Crimson Chin's sidekick.
Nice suits. Red. Not too flashy. Ass kicking boy.

But that Crimson Chin is pretty hot, so I think I have ulterior motives to getting the boy chin in the limelight with all the attention.

Tim: I'm with Cullen. Bruce Lee as Kato.

How often does the side-kick out-shine the hero?

Quick, no Googling, who played The Green Hornet?

Exactly.

Shawna: does kermit have a sidekick?? cuz this video just cracked my ass up.

my pick is whoever kermit's sidekick is. cuz he's so cool.
maybe it's miss piggy. it's been a long time since i've watched the muppets.

what are you still doing here?? go watch the video!

Tim Shaw: Kato seconded.

With a nod to Arthur from the Tick...the animated version.

Michele: Pinky.

Everyone thinks Brain is the brains behind the operation, but it's Pinky who always comes up with the brilliant ideas. Sure, they are disguised as the ramblings of a drooling idiot, but in the end, Brain ends up forming his schemes off of what Brain suggests while he's doing his pondering. Brain may look like he's the one doing all the work and putting the plan into action, but look carefully.....Pinky is usually the one doing all the dirty work. Without Pinky, brain is just another Pavlovian lab mouse who will never get to the end of the maze.

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Uh, I think so Brain, but this time, you wear the tutu.

Pat: Mr. Spock on the original "Star Trek" series. Why? Because there was never any doubt that he was smarter than Kirk, and he did straight man sooooooo well.

Ian: I second both nominations for Kato and Gir. Both totally brilliant.

But my ultimate vote is cast in favor of Arthur from The Tick.

Arthur is a Jewish accountant who is placed on "indefinite psychiatric leave" after he decides to pursue the life of a superhero. He purchases his "moth suit," which allows him to fly, at a garage sale. As such, it does not come with an owners manual, and he can't activate most of the other features the suit offers.

While The Tick chooses to shout "SPOON!" as he goes into battle, brave young Arthur instills fear in evil-doers by screaming "Not in the face!"

Classic.

Johnny: if i'm thinking of a sidekick i'd want, it would have to be someone who is loyal to a fault, someone who'd stick by you in those tight situations, someone who could get you quality blow.

my vote is for Al Cowlings.

i mean, how many of your friends would help you out once you got a murder rap? trust me, it's not a lot. and not only that, but he was probably the getaway driver when the Juice went on the loose in the first place. remember, he was also the slow and steady driver in the White Bronco, out on the L.A. Freeway. you just know O.J. was in the back, doin' line after line of Peruvian Flake. most people would be like, "hey man, there's all kinds of cops back there. i told you you shouldn't have killed those people. hey, ease up on that shit. it's not even paid for." but not A.C. nope. he kept on drivin', then made himself real scarce when the trial rolled around.

that's a fuckin' sidekick if there ever was one.

Ernie: Elwood Blues

And I also second, third or whatever Spock.

PS. I have walking pneumonia. Touch Me I'm Sick.

ed note: better than running pneumonia?

Turtle: The ultimate be all end all sidekick is of course Barney Fife. Mayberry's law and order. One bullet caring ass kicking machine. Without him, the town would become a lawless town of still making, moonshine drinking Otis Cambells.

Don Knotts reached his acting pinnacle in those early days only later to be bought out by Disney and turned into some gaywad cartoon fish who found German subs for the Army.

And that wraps up another FTTW trainwreck, and another week. Hope yours was good and your weekend is even better.

Now tell us - who is your favorite sidekick?

If I forgot to put anyone's in, I apologize and blame it on the FTTW kegerator.

| Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It| Stumble It!