We can't argue with you here.
You Canadians give rock and roll a bad name.
Celine Dion doing You Shook Me All Night Long
Thanks to all who nominated, voted and listened to some really bad songs in the process.
Here it is! Have some fun! Vote more than once! You tell us!
Who sucks...
Sucks so bad you have to re-chrome your trailer hitch after you pry the lips of this suck ass song off of the tip. I mean of few of these, I never even knew existed and hell no, I sure as hell ain't gonna go check them out. "Behind Blue...."??? Done by who? Oh hell no.
These are bad. So bad they ooze bad out of each bad pore in their bad ridden souls of badness.
Well, maybe not that bad, but lord knows, not that good.
Have fun.
THE POLL IS CLOSED. STOP BACK MONDAY MORNING FOR THE RESULTS.
We covered the best covers, now we cover the worst of that lot.
You know the one, that great song that you've banged your head to, shaken your boogie to, tapped your toe to, or swayed your sway to ever since the first time you heard it. Maybe not the greatest song ever, or even your favorite, but a great song nonetheless. And then Hilary Duff recorded it and your head pounded and your ears ached and you threw up in your mouth a little, but you couldn't turn away, and a single tear slid down your face as you realized that there is a God, and he must be punishing us for something. Get your nominations in, it's The Worst Cover Song Ever!
Nominations stay open for 24 hours. Hurry, hurry hurry and get yours in!
Some suggestions to open up the bidding:
William Shatner: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Madonna: American Pie
Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
Duran Duran - 911 is a Joke
And................you may want to close your eyes and ears for this one:
Celine Dion doing You Shook Me All Night Long
We started you off with some real winners. We know there are worse out there. Let's have them.
Well, that was a close one. It was a horse race most of the way between Cash and FNM but in the end, the winner was:
FAITH NO MORE - EASY
Mike Patton rules.
Thanks to all who voted and nominated.
Next week, we do WORST cover songs. Stay tuned for William Shatner goodness.
Ok, let's do this. We took the nominations that were mentioned more than once, shook them up in a martini glass, poured a bottle of gin over them, drank the gin with a straw and passed out. When we came to, someone had made the poll already.
Here's the top ten. Vote to your heart's content to whittle this down to one. We'll be over in the FTTW headquarters puking up gin and waiting for the results.
Scroll down for poll.
Poll stays up til 10PM this evening. Winner announced tomorrow.
Cover songs. You either love them or hate them. Individually, not collectively. I guess.
This poll is all about your favorite cover songs. Please, for the love of Spock, save your worst cover songs for next week's poll. I don't want to hear about William Shatner's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
We want the good stuff. The songs where a band took a tune of someone else's and made it their own. Where they improved on the original or made it so different that you had to admire their creativity. Cover songs that make you sometimes forget the original tune even existed.
There are thousands of them out there. 90% of them are total crap. And we'll get to scrape that barrel next week. But for now, we want the cream of the crop, the stuff that rose to the top.
What's your favorite cover song(s)?
Nominations open for a few days. Poll will appear sometime during the week. We'll let ya know. For now, just keep nominating.
Here's a few of our own faves:
Turtle:
Hellacopters - Working for MCA (original, Skynyrd)
Michele:
QOTSA - Never Say Never (Romeo Void)
We know there's a whole bunch of great tunes out there (including dozens by Richard Cheese or Me First and the Gimme Gimmes), so nominate as many as you want. If we happen to have the music, we'll upload it for everyone's enjoyment. Damn THE MAN.
Have at it!
Update, by popular demand:
The editors of FTTW are sick, depraved folk. There, now that I've stated the obvious, let's move onto this week's poll ... masturbatory euphemisms.
This all started last week when we were deciding to write for our editor's picks. Here's how it went down.
Michele: Do we have a theme for this weekend?
Baby Huey: your mom. Everybody here like baseball enough to write a baseball-related post?
M: I do. I'm pretty sure turtle hates it but could probably write a whole post detailing why some other sport is superior to baseball.
if not enough of us like baseball we could do a general sports theme?
[...]
Finn: I hate baseball the way a fat girl hates Kate Moss... but I love ball
parks. It's odd, I know.....
Turtle: i could do a basketball team and a hockey team.
BH: Like, at the same time? damn.
M: it's easy once you get used to it. I could do football, baseball and hockey. You should see him take on a bowling team. Pins and all.
T: it gives "pinch hitting" an all new meaning. And don't even ask what "pulling the goalie" means.
BH: Do you often suffer from an empty net?
M: You can violate my crease anytime, baby.
T: You guys can all get what "icing" is. At least Michele knows what icing is.
M: My favorite part is the "shootout"
T: I'm going to clear my bench and sent all my boys out on the ice.
F: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!!!!
T: there would be a topic. If you had a map of the earth, what country would you must like to cum on?
M: I think someone needs to get laid. Today.
BH: Yes. I do.
M: Now when I watch the hockey game tonight, I'll feel like I'm watching porn. You people warp my mind.
You can see how things like this happen. Really, it's all my (Baby Huey's) fault. I take full responsibility, so I'll get things started. If you need some help, check out these links:
Kill da Wabbit -- Come on, that's AWESOME. You have to sing it, though. Don't say it And you gotta sing it just as you bust that nut.
Go number 3 -- Originally heard it on "Drawn Together." Love it!
Badgering the witness -- Anything that demeans lawyers is OK by me.
I'm really good at this coming up with names for this. -BH
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Really, when you think about it, it’s almost a testament to the ingenuity of humanity that we’ve managed to come up with so many ways to explain exactly how much self love we have for… ourselves. Whether we’ve got a date with Rosie Palm and her Five Sisters or we’re stuck at home Looking For Clues with Fred and Daphne, we never fail to come up with newer and more clever ways to tell everyone in the room that we’re heading out to Shake Hands with the Unemployed. Because when you think about it, the only thing that separates us from the monkeys is the fact that we tell everyone that we’re off to Test Fire the Death Star… They just do it.
Euphemisms that almost made the cut: Beating the Bishop, Hugging the Hose and Shaking Hands with Yul Brynner.
--F
Time for you all to give us your choices! And you know you have one. If not, you're lying.
This one was pretty heated. At first The Muppet Show fought it out with Super Chicken for a bit, and then some nerds went crazy voting for Battlestar Galactica and made it a real race. In the end, cooler - less geekier - heads prevailed and this theme song has gained its rightful place amongst the FTTW/TAFC Hall of Winners:
THE MUPPET SHOW!
To the Battlestar Galactica voter(s): We like to keep the ability to vote more than once open because it makes the poll more fun. However, you went above and beyond, in such a way that you were taking all the fun out of it. Finding a way to cheat the system when the ability to do a little cheating is already enabled is above and beyond LAME. Remember, losers never win.
Thanks to all who nominated and voted. Final results here.
We urge to return to FTTW on Monday. We have quite the poll scheduled for then. I wont' say what it is, only that it will be a lot of fun and probably NSFW.
As always, we encourage you to leave your suggestions for future polls.
We have finally tallied up the nominations and used our patented, closely guarded mathematical formula to figure out which ones belong in the poll. Below the great, gaping maw of unintended white space below, you will find the poll where you may vote to your heart's desire. Yes, that means many times for one title. We really don't care about fair at FTTW. We just care that you vote. The democratic process depends on you.
Voting remains open until 10pm EST this evening. Results will be announced tomorrow. The world hangs in the balance. The fate of the universe may or may not rest upon the results of this poll. It's all in your hands now. Godspeed, voters.
We got a right to start a little fight Bonanza!
Did you even know there were lyrics to that theme song? No shit, man. Not only lyrics but really shitty lyrics! Maybe that is why that theme song is so cool. No matter when you hear the song, you can just picture Little Joe (pre Charles Ingalls) kicking ass on the Ponderosa.
Sigh. Memories.
Anyways, when I heard that song this weekend on TV Lands Bonanza marathon, I started thinking about theme songs to TV shows. There have been some memorable ones. Hawawai Five O was cool. So was Streets of San Francisco. They were funky. I can still picture that theme song and Karl Malden's nose cruising up and down the streets to catch the bad guys. Funky style police brutality kicks ass, yo.
So in the spirit of Hoss Cartwright, "Danno" Williams, and Bull Shannon we ask what is the best all time theme song?
I'll have my say first.
Streets of San Francisco
No I am not biased. This is a kick ass down and dirty funky ass kicking song. Too bad the show never quite lived up to the theme. And yes. Yes it was a cop on the Dirty Harry themes but we can forgive them for that. As long as we could see Karl Malden's nose, it was all ok. I still am in shock and awe of it every time I see a rerun. It's like the thing had it's own life force. I mean really, if you take a close look at it, the nose seems to have split off into two different hemispheres that are succeeding away from the main island. Like revolutionary war type shit on the nose. Pretty soon one side will start saying shit about taxes and no representation then some asshole will dump some tea off the left nostril and next thing you know the Beatles will be flying over the top will some big British Invasion thingy. The fuck if I know. But man, that guy has a big ass honker.
Rockford Files
I think I am noticing a trend in my shows here. They all seem to be West Coast kick back and live near the beach shows. I mean, I am not doing Hawaii Five O or anything like that, but I do notice a trend here. Anyways, wasn't Jim Rockford cool? He lived on a beach! That was cool! Plus he slept until noon! Really cool. And he was friends with Isaac Hayes! I don't know about any of you, but in my opinion, hanging out with Isaac Hayes in the 70's was about as close as you could get to a Centurion American Express Card for pussy as there is.
Plus the theme of the song starts with an answering machine.
Saying he is not home.
See. He is not home.
He is out hanging wit' Isaac.
Getting pussy. -T
Michele:
One of the coolest tv shows ever had one of the coolest themes. Men in black with big ass guns doing bad ass things set to a funky/disco beat. I didn't know whether to dance or shoot someone in the head.
What tv theme makes you want to groove, surf and solve mysteries all at the same time? No, not Scooby Doo. As if. We're talking tasty waves and Jack Lord.
Which then makes me think of the greatest current tv theme. One that I never tired of singing. One that makes me smile upon hearing the opening notes. One that allows me to sing about the most amazing thing to come out of a pineapple since I had that nightmare about Don Ho.
See. He hangs out on a beach. And is friends with David Hasselhoff. That's about as close as you can get to an Green American Express Card for pussy. - M
That's some of the editor's picks. Now it's your turn. Nominate as many as you want. We'll pull the top ten nominations from now til Wednesday and throw them into a poll for voting on Thursday.
And the 9th TAFC comes to an end. A glorious end, indeed as this editor feels that the poll finished up exactly the way it should have.
The winner is:
I'll confess to something. I was a Dead Head for a while in high schools. But that was the 70's and I did a lot of drugs. I mean, I also thought Jim Morrison's spirit lived in my bong. So you can't really go by me. And I don't think I dug the music so much as I dug the scene. And by scene I mean the fact that I never had to go further than five steps to find someone willing to supply me with whatever chemical I needed to get through the night. Do you really think all those people would be dancing and swaying and whatever it was they did to the music if they weren't stoned out of their minds. See, once I sobered up long enough to listen to the Dead without benefit of illegal substances, I realized that the emperor had no clothes. The only thing a Dead album was good for after that was separating the weed from the seeds. Sure, maybe there were still a few nights when I would put on American Beauty and think the magic rainbow of peace, love and electric kool aid was going to take me way to a beautiful land where everyone wore flowers in their hair and I could hear colors and see music.
Acid. It's a hell of a drug.
Thank you to everyone who nominated and voted.
Still taking ideas for future polls. Come back in two weeks and see what the next one brings. I promise it will be something positive. - M
Results:
Man, you people get pissy when your favorite band is dissed. And that's what makes a poll like this so much fun.
We've gotten the dirty part overwith. Nominations are closed and now the voting commences. We narrowed it down to the ten bands mentioned the most.
You may make multiple choices on one vote AND you may vote as many times as you want. We're all about making this as bitter and nasty as possible.
No, not really. We just want you to have fun. If that means clicking "Led Zeppelin" 145 times, then do what you gotta do.
Voting ends Thursday FRIDAY 6PM EST. Winner announced shortly thereafter.
Go forth and vote. May the worst best band win.
VOTING IS OVER.
TUNE IN AFTER MIDNIGHT FOR THE OFFICIAL WINNER.
It's new poll time! This one was suggested by one of our writers and we like it a lot because it invites controversy. And as you know, we love inviting controversy into our world. There's nothing like an argument between Led Zeppelin haters and Jimmy Page worshipers.
Which leads us to the theme of this poll:
Most Overrated Rock Band
Sure, one man's Lynyrd Skynyrd is another man's Radiohead. I have no idea what that means, but you get where I'm going. Maybe you can't understand why the Grateful Dead has a Jim Jones-like cult. Maybe you think people who love The White Stripes lack some important chromosome. Maybe you just want to lurk in the comments and be ready to pounce on anyone who dares to call Nirvana overrated.
We've spent so much time giving love to songs and bands and movies in our polls, we think it's time to break out the Haterade. It's March. It's freaking cold outside and there's a layer of ice clinging to my front lawn and my hockey team is slowly taking a dive in the standings. I don't know about the rest of the editors here, but I sure could use some band-hating diversion.
Keep in mind we are talking ROCK bands here, so keep your ABBA hatred on deck for now.
The FTTW editors get you started with their own picks:
Michele:
Pearl Jam. One incredibly great album followed by a crapload of mediocrity, reaching the pinnacle of suckitude with their cover of Last Kiss. They started out as a "ten" but never reached the perfection of that first album again.
The Eagles. To quote a wise dude: I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
Turtle:
This is a tough one. I really don't think anyone is overrated, I just don't like a band that everyone else seems to like. People can play whatever they want and they can get hugely popular and influence all these people and they can be the shiny little branch on the tree, but when it comes down to it, I don't like them. I missed something everyone else got.
So when I say I think they are overrated, please just think of it as they are doing their own gig and someone somewhere likes them.
Just not me.
That being said, my list of bands that somehow missed the mark on me are.....
The Clash
Idunno. I missed something there.
Led Zeppelin
Whiff! Right by my head.
The Grateful Dead
Well, I just struck out.
Baby Huey:
Oh man, so much hatred, so little time.
U2
Fuck everything about those pretentious Irish fucks. Seriously. My disdain for them is so great that I can't even form sentences.
Evanescence
I can name at least 5 hard rock/metal bands RIGHT NOW with a female lead singer that are better than Evanescence. And in each case, the singer is hotter than that bitch Amy Lee and could probably beat her ass too.
Linkin Park
Do I even need to say anything?
As I said, someone likes them somewhere and what the hell.... If people like them, what can I say? People seem to be happy listening to them. Just not me.
So let's have it, faithful FTTW readers. What's the most overrated rock band, according to your impeccable taste?
Nominations open til Wednesday midnight. Official poll goes up Thursday, you get results on Friday. We're quick like that.
This was so close. Right up until the end, I was watching the clock and watching the poll counts change. Which would it be? Pink Floyd or Allman Brothers? Who would vote more, the trippy stoners or the drunk stoners?
Hey, I'm not insulting you. I was always a little of both, so it's all good.
Anyhow. The winner.
Good win. This editor is satisfied.
Thanks to everyone who nominated and voted. We'll be back a week from Monday with another riveting poll!
As always, if you have a suggestion for a poll, just let us know!
This is it. We narrowed YOUR nominations down to a respectful 25. Don't ask how we did it. Do you ask how sausage is made? No. You just eat it and enjoy it. Do not question the magic powers of the FTTW editors. Ever.
Scroll down for the poll. Vote like your mama's life depended on it. Hopefully, you like your mama. Poll stays open until 10PM. Winner announced after midnight.
May the best overplayed radio hit win.
Update: Please note that the poll is 26 songs, not 25. As Andrew noted in the comments on the poll page, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin was not on the list - and it was nominated three times. Being that it is so early in the morning and voting is light yet, we decided to add it in.
THIS POLL IS CLOSED. THANKS FOR VOTING. PLEASE COME BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT FOR THE RESULTS.
Another week, another poll.
This one is sure to cause some controversy as to the definition of what we are looking for:
Best Classic Rock Song.
Now, classic rock can be defined as many things, though the editors of FTTW came to a sort of agreement that it can be defined as rock or hard rock music from the 60's and 70's and, to some extent, the 80's. You can look up all the definitions you want and go by them but in the end, it's the editors that will have the final say on what goes into the final poll on Thursday.
Classic Rock. That stuff they play on the radio stations that seem to be stuck in the past. The bands that all the "cool" kids in 8th grade wear on their t-shirts. The music that brought us epic, overplayed songs like Stairway to Heaven and Freebird. The bands that some of us old people listen to once in a while to try to relive our youth.
You know what to do. Turn on that classic rock station in your head. What's it playing? Don't Fear the Reaper? Girls, Girls, Girls? Wish You Were Here? Space Oddity?
What's your favorite classic rock song? Nominate as many as you want. This thread will be active until Wednesday at 10pm and the poll itself will go up on Thursday morning.
Baby Huey eyes little girls with bad intent.
Aqualung - Jethro Tull
SITTING ON A PARK BENCH. Seriously, dude. I don't know how much I can say about this song, because it just rules so hard. It's got everything I love about the Tull. It's chaotic, it's wonky, it's got a great guitar solo, and for fuck's sake, they use the word "snot" as a lyric.
Sure, they shouldn't have ever won a Grammy for best metal album, but this song rules and if you disagree, Imma shank you.
The editors were too lazy to get their songs in to the post and will put them in the comments like regular folk. For chrissakes, it's Sunday. Leave us alone.
Baby Huey would like it to be known that the OTHER editors were too lazy. He shat out that description in like 4 minutes, and thinks this should win simply because he said so.
Update: Don't try to get all fancy and stuff and nominate lesser known songs of famous classic rock artists. We're basically sticking to the known and loved here, otherwise the list could get out of hand.
If you are having trouble deciding, try this list on for size.
170 votes later and the closest race we've had in a long time is over.
I think we should all celebrate this well deserved win by sharing our favorite Airplane! quotes.
You made the nominations and now it's time to vote. Vote once, vote twice, vote til your fingers turn numb.
Poll closes Thursday, 10PM EST. Winner announced Friday morning.
Scroll down for the poll.
THE POLL IS CLOSED. CHECK BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT FOR RESULTS.
Thanks to everyone who nominated/voted. I truly believe the best car won.
Don't forget to stop by this week's poll.
Another week, another poll.
This time we're all about the laughs. Specifically, movies that make you laugh. We want to know what your all time favorite comedy is.
Now, we know there are a billion good comedies out there (good being a subjective term to be interpreted by each of you individually), so we're expecting the nomination list to be long and wide. But by Wednesday, we'll narrow that list down to about 25 and put them in the final poll.
We're doing it a bit different this week. Nominations will run through Wednesday night only. Poll will be on Thursday and Friday we will announce the winner.
Get in as many titles as you want. I suggest you say a little something about why you are throwing your movie in, as when we whittle the list down for the poll, you may be able to persuade us to include yours by a few well chosen words.
The editors will start you off with their picks:
Michele:
Rather than go with my all time favorite comedy here (because I know all of them will be nominated at some point, so I don't want to preach to the choir), I'm going to go with what I think is a very underrated, not seen enough comedy: Nothing To Lose.
Funny thing is, I'm not a big fan of either Martin Lawrence or Tim Robbins. But together in this movie, they made me laugh so hard I shot milk out of my nose. And I don't even drink milk.
Sure, the plot is predictable and contrived (black/white good guy/bad guy buddy film), and most of the dialogue is mediocre at best, but it's worth it juts for the freaked-out spider dance Robbins does and Lawrence screaming "Please don't kill me freaky Jason!" and Steve Oderker's security guard bit.
If you never saw it, queue it up in the netflix now and give it a try.
Turtle:
Baby Huey:
My favorite is Snatch. Let me tell you why, other than the sexually suggestive name. The Snatch Drinking Game. The rules are simple. Everyone picks a character. Every time that character comes on screen, you take a drink. If you know Guy Ritchie's fimmaking style, you'll realized how unbelievably shitty drunk you'll be if you have a main character (first time I saw this movie, they made me play the drinking game and I was Turkish). In addition to that, everyone drinks anytime someone says "I fookin hate pikeys".
Don't do this with hard liquor. You will die. -BH
Dan:
South Park: Bigger, Longer And Uncut. It would also get my vote for best musical and best war movie. The jokes in South Park hardly ever get out of the gutter but they still come off as smarter than a lot of the crap you see in other movies. It’s not always easy to write a funny song either, at least it doesn’t happen much, but the whole soundtrack is hilarious… you uncle fucker.
Turtle needs a drink.
Well this is another hard one for me. I am really getting sick of these polls that have a shitload to do with nothing I know about. I mean really, do you guys need any more proof from me that I am talking out of my ass 90 percent of the time? Now you want to bump that up to 95 percent? OK then. Let's do it. Another countdown that I am woefully unfamiliar with. Movies. Funny ones. Well let's try to see if I remember any. Hm. Funny movies.
Ok. One of the best. Just for a few weird reasons that I will get into later, has to be Weird Science. Anthony Michael Hall, a great yet forgotten actor, makes one of his finest appearances in this one. A couple of nerdy kids who get a hot broad. Ignoring the easy answers of what to do with her, they decide to use her to find the broads they are really in love with. Wouldn't really be my first idea of what to do with her but then again how many people want someone else to sit around with them on Sunday afternoons placing bets on how many ways The History Channel can sneak Hitler references into each and every fucking show.
See. That's just me. And maybe Michele. So maybe Michele and I share that. And maybe Hitler. But that is just between us. And The History Channel.
Be that as it may, they DON'T screw her till she sees Jesus and they DON'T make bets on The History Channel with her. Instead they go on a pretty funny trip and make some real cool friends. The guys at the drinking man's bar have to be the coolest cats on screen. Not only are they cool, but they drink bourbon. That makes them cool. Dark smoky clubs, bourbon and friends named "Fats" make you cool. By fucking default you are cool if you also smoke cigars. Add a hat and you are the fucking Pimp Of The Year.
But these cats just make the party bigger and somehow they end up with Wez from the Road Warrior and the Bald Guy from The Hills Have Eyes in their living room. See, another cool part of this movie. Supporting Australian has-been actors. No other movie, sans Shrimp on the Barbie with Cheech Marin, has done so much to support Australian Actors. I mean let's face it. Being in Road Warrior was like discovering King Tut's tomb. Only a few were going to make it out alive and if your name wasn't Mel Gibson you better get ready to have a mummy's dick up your ass.
So the movie was really kind of funny.
All it needed was Randall "Tex" Cobb in it and it would have been up there with Gone With The Wind or some shit like that. - T
There's our picks. I'm sure we'll each come up with a few more in the comments. Now get nominating yours. Remember, you only have through Wednesday this time to get your favorites in. Bring the funny!
Ok, kids. You made the nominations and now it's time to vote. Poll closes Sunday 3pm EST. Do your best damage before then.
THIS POLL IS CLOSED. PLEASE COME BACK TOMORROW FOR THE RESULTS.
After a week off, TAFC is back and we're going vroooooom vroooom on this one. It's Car Week at FTTW and we thought long and hard about a poll to go with this one. One of the editors mentioned something about the Batmobile during our weekly board meeting and the light bulb went on. Best cars from movies and tv!
This is almost too easy. There are so many cool cars out there. From McQueen's ride in Bullit to the Flinstonemobile, you've got an awful lot to choose from in making your nominations for this poll.
Our editors give you some of their choices first, then it's up to you to fill out the ballot so we can get a poll up here this weekend.
Coolest cars from movies and TV. Hit it.
Michele has a killer pick:
The Car. Made famous in a 1977 movie called...wait for it......The Car. A creepy, frightening movie about, you guessed it, a car. This slick, black car - a modified 1971 Lincoln Continental Mark III designed by George Barris of Batmobile fame - would just torment people by following them around and running them down. And, this being some small desert town where evil dwells beneath the surface, like in every horror movie ever made, all the townfolks (that’s what they are called in places like this) are quite sure the car is driven by Satan himself.
I swear to you, this car was scary. If you watch this movie today, maybe a souped up Lincoln won’t seem so scary to you. Maybe the movie will seem cheesy and that fog horn that plays every time the car runs someone down will seem hilarious. Hey, at least it didn't play La Cucuracha like my neighbor's car horn does.
But this was circa 1980. What we consider cheesy now was groundbreaking and cool back then.
We never really get why this car was murdering random people in this town. Maybe it just doesn’t like the desert? Maybe it was offended at the way the Indian guy was portrayed? Maybe it hated band geeks or James Brolin's facial hair? Who knows. We got evil, suspense, an explosion, some cool mow-downs, and enough false scares to make some paranoid (read: stoned) teenagers nearly wet their pants. Hey, I said nearly. All that was missing was Yeardley Smith yelling out We made you!
Very cool, if disturbing, car.
-M
Turtle hits the road:
My car is not really a car but it is my pick. Yeah, that's right. A semi. Fuck them. It's no secret to anyone who has been hanging around me lately that I have become addicted to a new video game. And really, this game kicks ass on so many levels that it has made me rethink my prior beliefs on the great American institution called long distance truck driving. The game is 18 Wheeler if anyone cares. It, as a game, has made me think a little harder about choosing a new profession. A noble profession. One of honor and dignity and more than its share of methamphetamine. That's right. I wanna be a trucker. So in honor of this revelation that has been dropped on me like a newborn child's first solid shit, my "car" nominee shall be The Truck From Smokey and the Bandit.
It might have a name. Or not. All I know is that when the fat guy and the midget need some beer transported through state lines without payin' any taxes, Turtle is gonna be the man they call to get that motherfucking Budweiser through.
Pull the horn and drop the hammer. Be it hell or Hell's Angels, Imma getting some hicks drunk tonight.
East bound and down. - T
Dan gets mysterious:
See, I’m not much of a car guy. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was David Hasselhoff or something, hanging out with my hand down my pants while the car brings me my fucking slippers. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was Brandon Walsh with a crapped out Mustang that my rich Dad helps me fix, as long as I learned something from it. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was Inspector Gadget for that matter, falling ass backwards into good luck at every turn.
But you know what? I want a van like The Mystery Machine. A van is freedom. I want to be able to stretch out on the floor. I want to be able to sleep in parking lots and take fourteen people for a drive. I want to beat my small cock and wait for no girls to call me in the middle of the night.
And I want to my van to come with a talking dog and a bunch of pothead hippies who are afraid of ghosts but don’t mind talking to the cops. I would have it so made in that scene. Sharing snacks and telling ghost stories all the time, then hanging out in the van while they deal with the law. What’s that Freddie, you think there’s a ghost out there? Maybe Frankenstein has been hanging out in the abandoned mine shaft again? Hell yeah, I’ll check that out, let’s just hotbox this van one more time first. Officer Shanahan is out there with some questions? He thinks we’re meddling? Yeah, your turn dude. I can hardly keep my eyes open. You’re wearing a fucking ascot for God’s sake, you look respectable. Go work your magic.
Only problem is that you know the music sucks, they’re going to be playing old Beatles and other poppy crap from the 60’s. Maybe some James Taylor in the later episodes. I’ll have to bring some tapes. - D
Finn heads to the bat cave:
The Batmobile -Because if you’re going to own one ride from a TV Show or a movie, you’re gonna want the one with a jet engine, a convertible top and missiles that shoot from the quarter panels. Though it’s gone through a series of transformations (the 
one from the Fifties, the the cheesy Sixties TV version, even that disgusting piece of crap they pawned off on us in the Clooney movie), the essence of the Batmobile is always there. It’s the ultimate gadget for the man who (literally) has everything and an almost perfect embodiment of using tools to get things done.
For me, the Batmobile has never been cooler than in the Tim Burton Batman movies (although the one in BTAS is a damn, damn close second). It looks like a tank, if a tank was designed by Hugo Boss and designed to be incredibly stylish and pants wetting at the same time. It comes standard with the prerequisite video phone, jet turbine and uber-security system. It plow through crowds and traffic alike and goes from zero to 60 in just under 3 seconds. And even tough the ladies might get a little wet because of the cape and the cowl, they all come running for the car. --F
So that's our picks.....now you tell us your favorite fictional ride. Nominate as many as you want and we will throw the top 20 or so into a poll that will go live on Friday.
This one was really close. Ah Ha was leading almost the whole time. I gues the Duranies came out at the end and clicked away.
Congrats to Simon and the boys for winning such a coveted award. Who needs the Grammys when you can get a shoddy Photoshop graphic with your name on it from Faster Than The World?
Final results here.
TAFC is taking a break this week, but will return next Monday in all its amazing glory.
The nominations are in, the poll is set and now it's in your hands.
We've narrowed it down to ten to make the voting more.....intense. Poll stays up until Sunday 4pm EST.
Vote now, vote later. Just do your civic duty and vote.
FRANKIE SAYS VOTE!
The polls are now closed.
The winner will be annouced tomorrow morning
ed note: TAFC will be taking a rest next week. We'll be back the week after with a brand new thing to nominate/vote on/argue about.
This was by far our most popular poll to date. Over 800 votes were tallied and although some of the really bad songs made it a fight, in the end it was one song that rose above the rest to qualify as the worst song of the 70's.
This might also be the worst song ever.
As one FTTW editor described the tune:
A song about a girl who slept with a guy and then, to prove her love to him, didn't have an abortion.
The win is deserved.
See the final results here.
Thanks to everyone who nominated and voted and special thanks to all those who linked the poll this week and brought in tons of voters. Stick around for this week's poll!
70's week has come and gone and, while that was a lot of fun, we realize that we need to move on. Let's visit a brighter, wilder decade this week. A decade that brought us spandex pants, hair metal, the Safety Dance, John Hughes movies and the Miracle on Ice.
Yep. it's 80's week here at Faster Than the World. And what better way to relive the glory days of that decade than by paying tribute to the best/worst thing to come out of those years?
Martha Quinn. Headbanger's Ball. Remote Control. Yo! MTV Raps. And, of course the videos.
[insert requisite rant here about how MTV used to play videos. Or see here].
Being that this week is specifically about the 80's, we will pay homage to the decade when MTV actually utilized the "V" in their name and played videos. This week's poll is:
FAVORITE 80'S MUSIC VIDEO
80's. That decade only. So anyone nominating "Trapped in the Closet" will get beaten. Or ignored.
The nominating process begins here. Nominate as many as you want. We also welcome your comments reminiscing about the good old days of MTV and music videos.
We'll take the nominations at the end of the week and throw them into a poll that will go up on Friday.
Here's a few picks from the editors of FTTW to get you started:
turtle supports any video that progresses the agenda of our vertically challenged friends.
Men Without Hats - Men Without Hats
They were Medieval Canadians. That should be a name for a band. The Medieval Canadians with a Midget Sprinkled on top. When this video came out, I was in the middle of trying to buy every Judas Priest album that was ever made. The problem was, I could only afford an album a month so this video kinda fucked my plan up. Cause Judas Priest had a bunch of albums and I didn't have a bunch of cash. But I had to get it. The single that is.
Something spoke to me in that video. It was the midget. Wearing the little child size "Men Without Hats" shirt. That midget was so cool he could even make Rob Halford wince in pain. Or is he a dwarf? Or a little person?
No.
He is Mike Edmonds. A great man. I salute him for what he has done to the face of popular culture in the 80's. Next time you watch Jabba the Hut and stare in amazement at how fine his tail is wagging, thank Mike Edmonds for squeezing his tiny ass in that costume.
Whatever Mike Edmonds was in was gold. Mike Edmonds made me smile.
So I bought the single.
Yes.
I acted like an imbecile. - T
Baby Huey holds his breath and wishes for death:
One by Metallica
Remember when Metallica was metal? Yeah, I don't either, but hey, we have video proof of it. This video had everything: bombs, attempted assisted suicide, and the metal band just playing there for no real reason. It was so good because it always made me think of the "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who ... ?" jokes. I guess I'm weird like that.
Michele never says die:
Cyndi Lauper: Goones R Good Enough
Don't look at me like that. This video had everything. Ok, everything except a good song. I'll give you that much, the song sucked. But it was epic. Two parts. Featuring the ACTUAL GOONIES!! And wrestlers! Lou Albano! Rowdy Roddy Piper! Iron Sheik! Nikolai Volkov! It's even got Steven Spielberg and some hibachi chefs. And CHUNK!
This video came out at a time when I was really into wrestling (I proudly attended Wrestlemania 2), so it really spoke to me. I think what it said was "Michele, you are out of your fucking mind. Please go back to watching cheesy metal videos and going to clubs instead of pay per view wrestling events. I....I don't even know you anymore....."
I couldn't help it. I know the song sucks worse than Mr. T's wrestling skills, but the video is like everything awesome about the 80's wrapped up in one crazy little movie. If it only had a cameo by Robert Smith, it would be perfect.
I-Mockery has a great play-by-play of the videos here.
-M
the finn’s got it bad, got it bad, got it bad…
Van Halen : Hot For Teacher
Oh hell yeah, I was hot for this song and for the video. Because long before the suck that was Van Hagar forever scarred this bands good name, there was a band that hadn’t forgotten that good rock and roll should be filled with, booze, broads and most importantly, should be fun. The original Van Halen lineup epitomized all of the above and nowhere is it more evident than right here. We’ve got it all, pint sized versions of the band, behaving in ways that really aren’t becoming of a ten year old; hot chicks that look like librarians and swimsuit models; a side story involving a poindexter named Waldo and did I mention that there were hot chicks ? Every adolescent fantasy you didn’t know you had came to fruition in this video and even if you didn’t know why your shorts were tight, you knew you were in the presence of greatness. The likes we shall never see again. --F
So there are some picks to start you off. And stop back on Friday to check out our Group Late Night Typing, where we ask the writers of FTTW to wax nostalgic on their favorite 80's videos. Meanwhile, get your nominations now. We're only going to grab about 30 for the poll, so make yours count.
The nomination process is over and now that all those songs got stuck in your heads, we will make a half hearted attempt to apologize.
Sorry.
Really.
Vote as many times as you want. If clicking "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" for four straight hours is your thing, then go for it. We're sure one of the editors of FTTW will be right behind you.
Poll stays up til Sunday 2pm. We're closing early this week because most of you will be doing Super Bowl partying Sunday anyhow.
POLL HAS BEEN CLOSED. CHECK BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE OF FTTW AFTER MIDNIGHT 2/4 FOR THE RESULTS. THANKS FOR VOTING!
Archives
Wow, that was really close. Read nothing into the fact that my movie pulled it out at the end and Turtle's didn't. For once, I came out ahead of him and I am going to celebrate that fact because it very rarely happens. In fact, I spent all weekend getting my ass kicked Turtle style playing Turok. Eh, I really didn't care if I won or not, I just wanted to shoot the cool guns.
Anyhow, congrats to Night of the Living Dead and thanks to everyone who participated in this one. Check over there somewhere (I'm pointing to the front page of FTTW) for this week's poll.
It's 70's week at Faster Than The World! Groovy! Neat! Peace love and nakedness!
This week's poll has to do with the 70's and later on in the week, we'll have a 70's themed Group Late Night Typing and Friday's Editors' Picks column will have a 70's feel to it. Also, some of our authors will be doing some far out 70's related columns this week.
Which brings us to another week of The Almost Final Countdown. This time, we move from horror movies to horrible songs. Specifically, horrible songs of the 70's.
Nothing gets people arguing like a conversation about songs that suck. While it has been scientifically proven that "We Built This City" is indeed the worst song ever made, there will always be people - bless their warped little hearts - who will defend it as quality art.
We here at Faster Than The World love good arguments. Hell, we love bad arguments. We love stirring up shit. So what better way to get the week rolling than to ask you all to nominate the Worst Songs of the 70's for this week's poll?
We'll start you off with a few of our own but rest assured, there are literally THOUSANDS to choose from. Let's just say that era 70's pop music was a dark, dark time in musical history.
Michele:
There was just too many to choose from here. I am a child of the 70's and my parents always had the radio on, so many of the really bad songs are etched permanently in my brain (mostly showing themselves during nightmares that include Leo Sayer and Frankie Vali). I decided to discount a lot of the songs that came to mind at first, like Muskrat Love or Run, Joey, Run or Seasons in the sun because I know damn well someone else will nominate them. And really, they were so bad as to only be remembered as bad. I wanted to take on some songs that the majority of people (most of whom were too high in the 70's to know the difference between good and bad music, because it all sounds deep, meaningful and awesome after a couple of bong hits) think were really good tunes. In fact, so many people think these songs were good that I found some of them on Best of the 70's lists. And I bet a lot of you have them on your fancy little song player things. It doesn't mean I think any less of you.
Wait, yes it does.
Hotel California
I just don't like long songs. Let's just say that right away. Maybe back in the 70's when I was listening to this stuff while sprawled out in someone's groovy basement trying to see through my hand, long songs were cool. Now, not so much. After two minutes I'm ready to move on to the next tune. See, in New York, we have two radio stations that play rock music. And both of them play only classic rock. So there are some songs that they play about 50 times a day because, I don't know, Satan makes them or something. What I want to know is, does anyone ever really want to hear Hotel California? Or are the DJs just playing this on the mistaken assumption that the masses want to hear another one of those "rock musicians gone poetically awry" songs? This song is BORING. It's like watching a horrible movie with false endings, where you keep shifting in your seat thinking, ok,
credits are going to roll......right.........now! No...wait....NOW. Ok, it's going to end...........hey, it's a solo! Another long, drawn out, masturbatory guitar experience! Pass the bong!
Cats in the Cradle
My god. Is it me? It must be. Because everyone else says things like "that song makes me cry like a baby!" Listen, I have kids. I know the whole "time goes so fast, spend some of it with your children instead of watching COPS and scratching your balls all night" deal. Still, this song does not tug at my heartstrings. Maybe I don't have heartstrings because all those songs that are supposed to make me cry or feel bad or call my mother just make me want to stab someone in the face. And dude. The dad in this song totally deserved being blown off by his son. You reap what you sow, Chapin!!
Paradise By The Dashboard Light
This is the coveted winner of Michele's Most Hated Song Ever. I already wrote about it here. I don't want to think about it anymore. Just suffice it to say that if you sing this song around me, I will sneak into your yard at night and piss in your garden. When Meatloaf died in Fight Club, I actually stood up in the theater and yelled "That's for Paradise, you son of a bitch!" And people applauded. Really, who likes this song besides drunk chicks and horny guys who think a drunk chick acting out a bad song has "I'm gonna get laid" written all over her?
You're Having My Baby
Didn't have to keep it
Wouldn't put ya through it
You could have swept it from you life
But you wouldn't do it
A song about a girl who slept with a guy and then, to prove her love to him, didn't have an abortion. -M
Turtle joins EST.
Before we start this all of, I want everyone to join in my mantra of "Bob Seger sucks." Say it again and again with me. Bob Seger was the reason all those people down in Guana drank the Kool Aid Bob Seger
brought you AIDS and disco. I point all fingers to that man when I look at the sad state that was the 70's music scene. Bob Seger killed Elvis. Which might or might not have been a bad thing. I mean don't get me wrong. I am no Elvis fan but I did enjoy watching his bloated, drugged out ass in those last few Vegas shows. THAT is the Elvis the world needed at the time. The King gave up. Do you get it? The music was so bad, the King of Rock and Roll shit out his brains whacked out on polyester pussy and cheap speed. Elvis choose to kill himself on fried peanut butter sammiches than to listen to the shit the radio was putting out.
Bob Seger had everything to do with why the 70's sucked.
Bob Seger had nothing to do with skateboarding though. Although I sense he in some way brought about Tony Hawk. I dunno. Maybe Bob Seger was playing in the background when Mama Hawk was getting cornholed by Papa Hawk. Bob Seger had something to do with Tony Hawk. I just haven't figured out what exactly that is yet. Give me a little time.
Meanwhile, I thought I'd give you a list of my other non-Bob Seger hated songs that came from the 70's. Keeping in mind that these songs are bad, but not as god awful as Bob Seger songs. But close. Well, not really close. Cause Bob Seger sucks ass drippings.
John Denver - Rocky Mountain High
Ok. Somebody put down the bong. I know everyone was all earth and shit like mud hippies and all but this is taking it a little too far.
I mean this is the kind of a guy who never talks to girls, never looks anyone in the eye, but get a few drinks in him and he will fuck you up bad. All that repressed anger flowing out like the piss his kidneys filtered cheap vodka through. It is really too bad he was on The Muppet Show so many times. Way to fuck up any good childhood memories I had there, John. No really. Thanks. All I need to add to my repressed memories is being anal raped by my uncle and we got all the bases covered there to make the next bulldog killer in New York out of me.
I am glad he died in an ultra light.
Guess Who - These Eyes
The only thing I remember is the Guess Who reunion album. An ad for it was on late at night. They played this song. Does anyone remember it? Well anyways, they introduced the band and the drummer came out. Fat, bald and with a pair of thick glasses. He rocked. Big ass tie dye on his belly. That rocked.
I hated the song though.
Engelbert Humperdinck - After The Loving
Any girl who gets fucked by a guy named Engelbert should surrender her woman pass.
Queen - We Are The Champions
Oh bite me. You know it sucks. - T
Baby Huey makes fun of the other, much older, editors:
This was hard for me because I had to pick songs from a decade that ended a year before I was born. I'm surprised Leif Garrett isn't on anyone's list. Actually, I'm not. I'm sure they're all closet Garrett fans. This leads me to my first choice:
Leif Garrett - I Was Made for Dancin
I write a weekly column exhorting the virtues of extreme heavy metal. I'm ragging on a disco tune. Do I need to draw you a fuckin map? I can imagine all the screaming 70s girls and the 10 year old boys in their short shorts, tube socks, and permed hair, and I'm simultaneously disgusted and just a little turned on.
What?
Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight
This song does have one redeeming quality. It was used to trap a bunch of old stuffed shirts in PCU, which is obviously one of the greatest movies ever. Skyrockets in flight, indeed. If I were locked in a room with that song on repeat, not only would I kill myself, I would do my damndest to take everyone there with me.
Kansas - Dust in the Wind
From "Carry On My Wayward Son," one of the greatest rock songs ever (and fuck you if you say otherwise) to "Dust in the Wind" in the span of only one album. My oh my, how the mighty have fallen. Combine the facts that this song is some sort of early emo ancestor and the fact that Will Ferrel sang it (who, by the way, is really starting to jump on my last damn nerve), and you've got a recipe for a shitty song. And I know recipes.
Kiss - I Was Made For Loving You
I was joking earlier about the Leif Garrett thing, but I will bet money that at least one of the other editors of FTTW own or owned this song on LP. Kiss's attempt at disco. A genre of music dominated by pretty people. Kiss are the ugliest group of motherfuckers on the planet (at least until the Ramones show up). What were they thinking?
Don McLean - American Pie
If there was a merciful god, the music WOULD have died when this abomination of a song came out. Seriously.
Don't even get me started on the music of the 80's. -BH
thefinn definitely does not feel like dancing:
Leo Sayer : You Make Me Feel Like Dancing. Let’s start simply. Leo Sayer is a twat. Period. A high pitched, juvenile, old twat. I didn’t like his rotten old ass in 1976 when this song was released and I sure as hell don’t like him now, after having watched him behave like a child for ten days on Celebrity Big Brother. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way, he’s obsessed with the idea of celebrity (but really only in how it should impact his daily life) and he’s a poor, poor sport. Enough of the personal attacks. The song is too happy for it’s own good. Really. If it were possible to overdose on happiness and sappy pop schmaltz, this song would have killed millions. The pitch of Sayer’s voice is painful on a good day and on a bad day it makes dogs go into convulsions.
A link to something that does not scream "Celebrity", Mr. Sayer.
Carly Simon : Nobody Does It Better. Sometimes, somethings just work right. There’s a click and the pieces come together and suddenly everything makes sense. Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger” is a perfect example. Hot, throaty vocals over a quick jazz number and it’s one of the best Bond theme songs ever. This is not that song. As a matter of fact, this song is so far removed from the greatness that is Shirley Bassey, that she wouldn’t piss on it to put it out if it was on fire. It almost ruins a really good movie (even though Roger Moore’s in it) from the get go because all I can picture is the horse toothed jackass singing it.
Barbara Streisand : The Way We Were. Makes me want to stab people in the face and rip off one of my own arms just so I can beat myself to death with it. My mother would listen to this song over and over in the car one painfully long winter. The heater would be on full blast and making me slightly nauseous while Streisand wailed in the background about some horrible shit that happened between her and her man. Who fucking cares ? I understand, some lame movie that came out the same year needed a lame theme song to full achieve the full state of lameness that usually takes years to cultivate. But come on!! Fucking Christ, just let it go and whine someone else.
Steely Dan : Anything by Steely Dan throws me into a homicidal rage. If you have any desire to watch an old mick completely lose his shit and start strangling every within earshot of the jukebox, just play Deacon Blues or Hey Nineteen. The blood will flow!!! Flow I say!!
And now that I’ve thoroughly worked myself into a tizzy just before bed, I’m off for a Xanax and a beer in the hopes that I’ll sleep. --F
Those are our nominations. We're not putting a specific number on the poll this time. We'll see what you guys nominate and just make the poll from there. Really, this could get into the hundreds and we're probably gonna try to narrow that down to 25, just to make the voting stage more intense.
Remember, you have all week to nominate as many songs as you want. After today, you will be able to get to this column from the sidebar. So just keep coming back and naming your poison (or defending it) and the actual poll will go up on Friday.
Keep on truckin!
Ok gang. This is it. You nominated the movies and we stuck them all in a poll. You can vote multiple times in one shot and you can also come back and vote again. This ain't no democracy. This is anarchy!
Have fun with this and check back Monday morning for the results and for a new category (I think it might have something to do with the music of the 70's. Maybe).
And if there's anything you would like to see put up to a poll in The Almost Final Countdown, let us know!
This poll is closed. Check back after midnight Sunday evening to see the results.
Thanks for voting!
I have to say that this is a much deserved win. I'm kinda glad that damn dodge ball game didn't win it, even though one of the editors here thinks that is the greatest game ever created.
The Space Invaders Shrine
Space Invaders high scores
80's arcade game fun:
Congratulations to Space Invaders. It is now in the FTTW Hall of Fame. Which is in the process of being built. Give us a few years.
Now go check out this week's poll. Horror movies!
After the finish of The Almost Final Countdown #2: The Best Arcade Game Edition, we thought we would jump right in with TAFC #3. Congratulations to Space Invaders for winning the second TAFC, but we need to move on.
A change has been made.
For the new TAFC we added something. In the sidebar there will be a link to the nominations. This will be there all week. To check out the nominations or to add your own, click on it and there you go. Get it? So after today, go there to add new nominations. We won't be making new lists every day like we have been.
So let's move on.
For some reason, we have been watching a lot of movies. I have a shitload of them stacking up from Christmas that I am pushing my way through (Give me time. I will get through them all) and we thought it would be fun to see what every one's favorite horror movies were.
Some of these movies are great but some are just great in name only. I mean, for myself, TCM only is great in name. The movie itself kinda sucks. Don't shoot me, but it does kinda suck. As soon as it started, I wanted that cripple dead. But that's just me.
Anyways, we thought that there should be a list, nominated and voted on by you, of the greatest horror movies of all time.
So we decided to take these movies, the ones that were great, and list them. To figure out what was and is the best all time horror movie that ever was. From Nosferatu to whatever the hell is out there now, let's list them and see which ones stand up to the vote.
Same rules as last time. Nominate whichever ones you want. At the end of the week, we take them all and you vote on them.
So let's start this.
The 50 BEST Horror Movies
These are our favorites.
Turtle gets cold.
I think my favorite horror movie of all time was John Carpenter's The Thing. This movie has so many cool things going on with it. First, it was directed by a man with an ego so huge he had to put his name above the title. Just so we wouldn't mistake it with the original. Cause they are so similar. I think it is cool when John Carpenter does that on his movies. Remember when John Carpenter's Assault of Precinct 13 was remade? I was hoping to christ the new title would be "Not John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13". Cause that would be funny.
Anyways, what can you say about this movie? It was isolated. It was cold. There was no escape. And to top it all off, it had Wilford Brimley in it! Wilford! You remember him? He was the only guy who could break Paul Newman's cool in Absence of Malice. Man, I loved that movie. Paul Newman was cool in it. But I hated Sally Field. I really hope she gets run over by a tank. It would serve her right for helping the Viet Cong in Vietnam.
But Wilford sure is cool. Too bad he died in The Thing. Serves him right for making that awful Cocoon movie. - T
Michele wants brains:
Night of the Living Dead. My first zombie movie. The movie (well, this and The Fly) that made me fall in love with all things horror.
I don't remember how old I was when I saw it, I just remember that my parents took us to the drive in. They used to always take us movies like this. They never thought we were too young for zombies or vampires or werewolves or whatever. I thank them for that.
Allow me to quote myself, as I've already talked about this movie here:
Yea, social commentary, racism, class warfare, women are weak, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all. Dude. It’s a zombie movie. People get eaten. Teeth are bared. Kids eat their parents. Brains explode. The living dead! Braaaaainnnnnnnssssss! Who the fuck cares if George Romero was giving us a subtle lesson in social mores? Jesus. There are zombies.....It’s a classic. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t seen it. It paved the way for zillions of zombie movies after it. Without the cheesiness and stilted dialogue and awkward social commentary of Night of the Living Dead, we wouldn’t have Dawn of the Dead or Day of the Dead or Return of the Living Dead or even Shaun of the Dead. And then where would we be? If it weren’t for Romero, I would be just another aimless human being, a worker drone living out a meek existence just waiting for death to come take me away. But, no. I have a goal. I have a plan. I’m going to become a zombie someday! Come on, bird flu! Work your viral magic!
I heart zombies.
Baby Huey takes bad pictures:
The Omen. This is the first horror movie I ever saw (that is, at least, when I was old enough to know to be scared by movies). I was raised mildly Catholic, so this movie scared the crap out of me. And my Dad. That little kid is creepy as fuck, and the movie was so good that, in my opinion, they actually did a decent remake of it. Why? Because they stuck to the story. Not a lot of extra gore. Not entirely different characters. They didn't remake it, they reshot it. And that speaks volumes of the original.
I still check photos of myself for lines near my neck.
thefinn like's his horror in pairs:
Dead Ringers. What do you get when you cross Jeremy Irons, strange and tortuous gynecological instruments and David Cronenberg ? One of the creepiest movies I’ve ever seen. Jeremy Irons plays a set of identical twins, both slightly off and acting, to the rest of the world, as the same person. Of the two of them, Elliot is the more confident, while his twin Beverly is shyer, and slightly more sinister. The twins share everything from patients to a girlfriend, but without telling a soul. It’s a Cronenberg movie, so things start off very strange and get oh so much stranger once the love interest get introduced. Whereas Elliot is a big fan of the old slap and tickle, Beverly consistently seems only to have sex because it’s required of him and for research purposes. Elliot is more confident and bright, while Beverly seems more desperate and lost. The duality is fascinating. Like most of Cronenberg’s work the majority of the horror here is psychological and the way its shot is crawl out of your skin creepy.
That's our favorites. Now it's time to nominate yours. Feel free to add as many as you want. Like we said, the link will be in the sidebar all week, so you can come back and keep the coming. We'll whittle the list down to 50 by the end of the week and put the poll up on Friday.
Ok, kids. This is it. The final poll. There are 50 games represented here and it's your job to choose the grand winner.
This time, we made it so you can make multiple choices in one shot. Don't say we never did anything for you.
Ready.
Set.
VOTE!
Winner will be announced Monday, along with the new category.
Welcome to the last day of nominating. Well, the nominations are really over.
THIS IS THE END OF THE NOMINATION LIST.
The first four nomination lists are here and here and here and here.
The official "list" from the reader nominations are:
(in no particular order)
1. Rampage
2. Tecmo Super Dodge Ball
3. Berzerk
4. Spy Hunter
5. Tron
6. Sinistar
7. Bubble Bobble
8 Robotron 2084
9. Pole Position
10. Donkey Kong
11. Mortal Kombat 2
12. The Simpsons
13. Joust
14. Smash TV
15. Total Carnage
16. Asteroids
17. Golden Tee
18. Punch Out
19. Battle Zone
20. Star Wars
21. Street Fighter 2
22. Frogger
23. Ms. Pac Man
24. Afterburner
25. Defender
26. Food Fight
27. Tempest
28. A.P.B.
29. NARC
30. Galaga
Pretty cool list we have started here, eh?
Want to see the last of them?
Then here we go.
31. Gauntlet
Well this one had to be in here for personal reasons. If I can remember right, this was the first game that was really intimidating. What the hell was going on with this big game? With four players? I didn't understand it and really, I was too afraid to touch it. Too much was going on for my small brain. I did play it in the end though. I always loved the "Elf needs food...badly" thing. Like I didn't know that. I don't think anyone ever got too far without blowing at least a weeks allowance.
32. Major Havoc
Balls out weird game. Really weird controller. Like a spiny type thing. Running around in anti gravity..I think. I remember it as one of those games that was supposed to be high tech but usually left in the background of arcades. I don't know why. It was a good game.
33. Zaxxon
Damn angles. A space shuttle off to do some damage. I really did hate the angle you went in at. One of the first games to learn that if you use normal paint on metal controllers...that paint will come off in the players hand. By the time this game was passed around, the controller looked like something out of a Russ Meyers movie. All beat up and worn out.
34. Out Run
Out run your opponents and get the girl. Just a driving game. I loved it. Rev the engine and let it go.
Or maybe I am mixing it up with Pole Position. Hey, did anyone say Roadblasters yet?
35. RoadBlasters
Hah. No one did. So I am going to say it. Sit in the seat and blast away. Someone put on a "nice guy" bonus on this game. The "nice guy" bonus is when the damn game counts the accuracy on your shots. That's pussy. If you ask me, that is. I think that you should be able to shoot more. The more shots that come out of your gun, the higher the bonus. Why should you be rewarded for playing like a pussy? Kill everyone! Even bystanders! And innocent people! Hey that reminds me. Did anyone say Deathrace 2000 yet?
Cause that was fun.
36. Super Hang On
Running out of time. This game was perfect for the NES. But it was in the arcade. Hm. Fun game of just jumping like a redneck with a new jug of moonshine. That reminds me. Did anyone say Bump and Jump yet?
37. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I was surprised when I found out this was an arcade game. But, I'll review it cause I am sure it was the same one played at home. Grab a turtle with the weapon you like and bang away. I like the one with the stick. Too bad there wasn't one with a gun. Damn ninjas and their weapons. They needed a gun.
38. Elevator Action
There really wasn't a whole lot to this. Get down the building. Really a simple yet totally addicting game. One of my favorites. Always in the back of arcades cause the owner accidentally bought it instead of renting it. But, you went down levels until you got to your cool car. And then you did it again. I always wondered who left the cool car. Prolly was a cool chick.
They do that.
39. Paperboy
Grrr. Another angle game. Have I told you my dislike for angle games? Throw the papers and try not to bail. Funny thing I just found out about this game: If you make it through the week, the game ends. No shit. When you hit Sunday, the game is over.
I guess it didn't really matter since no one made it past Tuesday.
40. Centipede
I hated how they counted up the mushrooms after you died. Pity points. But what I really loved is when you got that centipede coming down the tubes just a blastin' away at his body. The salamander was cool, too. I think he was waving at you when he was cruising by. Yet another excuse to hate bugs.
Update
Update
Update
Since we misfigured the dates (holiday ya know) these are the last ten.
The voting will start tomorrow
Want to see the last ten?
Then here we go.
41. Arknoid
It was Breakout on speed. One of the games on the list that left more memories of sleepless nights and nightmares than anything else. So simple. Just knock the blocks. But so hard. Grab the gun. Risk it all and grab the gun. Then get greedy and lose the ball. Or whatever the hell it was. I guess there was a storyline behind it. Something about aliens.
I think.
I did a lot of drugs back then, ok?
42. Tetris
Russians. Who would have thunk Russians could bring us anything better than mail order brides and Yakoff Smirnoff? Not me. Yakoff was funny. But on to the game. Put the pieces of the puzzle together. Funny how something so simple could drive us all crazy.
43. Crazy Taxi
Speaking of crazy. Pick up the people and rock out to some of the most annoying music of all time. How many people cringe when they here that "YA YA YA YA YA" intro to that god damn Offspring song that started out the game. Damn, I hated that. And it wasn't that bad of a song. It was more of overkill. Again and again. But it sure was fun smashing shit up.
44. Super Techmo Bowl
One of the early games that inspired us to greater highs like Madden. I think this was a football game but back then, meh, who could really tell. It was a game that was cool. I wonder if Tecmo is still around. They did make Super Dodge Ball....hm..
They were on a run back then.
45. Space Invaders
I swear I thought this was on the list already. Anyways. I found a cool online version of this game but after I played it in the arcade a few days ago, I realized the online version sucked. Yes, the arcade I went into had it. They also had some 18 wheel truckin' race game which took all of my time. So really, the only reason I played Space Invaders was cause I only had one token left. It was fun buuuut the truckin' game kicked ass. If SOMEONE would ever remember her camera, you guys could have all seen some action photos of me truckin' down to Florida, but NOOOOOOOO.
She forgot it.
I'll forgive her though. She is cute.
46 Missle Command
The trackball always pinched my hand. It hurt.
47. X-Men vs Street Fighter / Marvel Vs. Capcom 2
These two made it against my wishes. Two many lights and moves and learning curves. Plus, it sent me into a seizure one time. But other people like it. So what the hell.
It made it in.
48. Alpine Ski
I am assuming it has something to do with skiing.
49. Galaxian
This one made it because all of the Galaga fans kept emailing me saying I better not put in Galaxian or they would kill me.
So fuck you.
It made it.
Intimidating FTTW staff or editors is a no no 'round these parts.
50. DigDug
Oh yes...pump me up. Kinda sexual in a way. I guess. Hell, I don't know. Someone else made that comment. Not me. This time, that is.
So those the last ten that made the list..
We are done!
Nominations are closed,
The final poll will be out soon and run all weekend.
Vote early and often when it comes out.
Thank you to everyone who nominated the games. As you can see, almost all of them made it. Some where way too obscure for any of us, so we kicked those. But I think everyone is happy, right?
Now I have to think of my favorites.....
tHE VOTE WILL START TOMORROW.
Video games. Those fun boxes of shiny things that cost quarters to make the fun go zoom. How we loved them.
Now we must honor them.
Welcome to Day 4 of the nominating process for The Almost Final Countdown - Arcade games edition.
We are almost hitting the top of the nomination list, so if you don't want yours to miss out, you better get it in.
A lot are nominated, but haven't been "officially" been put in yet.
Herein comes the problem. We are looking for the ones that got more than one nomination. So if you said something earlier in the poll and you haven't seen it yet, to make sure it gets in on the top 50, nominate it again.
The first three nomination lists are here and here annnnd here.
The official "list" from the reader nominations are:
(in no particular order)
1. Rampage
2. Tecmo Super Dodge Ball
3. Berzerk
4. Spy Hunter
5. Tron
6. Sinistar
7. Bubble Bobble
8 Robotron 2084
9. Pole Position
10. Donkey Kong
11. Mortal Kombat 2
12. The Simpsons
13. Joust
14. Smash TV
15. Total Carnage
16. Asteroids
17. Golden Tee
18. Punch Out
19. Battle Zone
20. Star Wars
Pretty cool list we have started here, eh?
Want to see the next ten?
Then here we go.
21. Street Fighter 2
Does anyone remember Street Fighter 1? I do. It was a huge game where you actually punched these pads to determine how hard you hit in the game. It was stupid. It hurt and it broke a lot. The makers of Street Fighter eliminated that previous problem by getting rid of the punching pads and adding three different buttons. Here you could kick ass with anyone. Cept for the cool ending characters. I always hated that. I couldn't be the cool guys. The fat guy was cool when you couldn't play anyone else. That thousand slap thing he did was for people who didn't know how to play the game.
22. Frogger
Pretty simple. Get the damn frog across. Don't get hit or drown. Or eaten. I was never a big fan of this game. Everyone said I should try it. I would like it. Cause it tasted just like chicken.
OK. That was bad.
23. Ms. Pac Man
Same thing as Pac Man but now the broads didn't feel like man broads when they played it. It was now cool for broads to play videogames. Cause they were playing a broad. See, that's when I knew the Constitution went one step too far. It was fine when the broads got the vote, but when we made a broad videogame, we just went too far.
Michele adds: Ms. Pac Man is a whore.
24. Afterburner
Let's be honest here. Could anyone really see what was happening? I mean, didn't we all just fire like hell and move around a lot? Till we got hit? The crash landinhg was always cool. You didn't just die in that game. You died in a glorious manner. One in which the whole arcade needed to know about. Lights and sounds came from the machine proclaiming that you, yes you, were dead.
25. Defender
Too many buttons.
26. Food Fight
There was something wrong with this game. I get the whole "toss food at the bad guy" thing, but the controlers were wonky on that machine. I never got why the kid just liked ice cream cones. I mean, what if the kid was diabetic? That would suck. To win the game he has to go into some insulin shock or some shit like that. Make those chefs pay. Or maybe that was why the chefs were trying to stop him from eating the cone in the first place. They didn't want him to go into some sugar shock from eating the ice cream......
Think about it.
27. Tempest
One of the last line games on the list. All hail the line games, or whatever they are called. They had their tiime with classic games like Missle Command and Star Wars but time was moving on. If this was one of the last, it had to be one of the best. No story behing it. Just stop those other lines from getting you. And watch out for those other lines. Great game and it had a spinner control! That was fun. Specially when you were tired of it. Just spin the fucker and walk away.
28. A.P.B.
These next two games kinda confused me. This first one had everything in it needed to be a crooked cop. Write fake tickets to get the quota. Smash other cars. Shoot people. And last but not least...shake the shit out of a prisoner to get him to confess before the Sarge gets to the interogation room. This is why this game is so great. The "Confessometer" was just a way to shake the crap out of someone you just arrested. And the best part was, if you didn't beat him up enough, he walked and you had to get him again.
And you thought it was easy to beat up someone in handcuffs.
29. NARC
Needles, right? Are they throwing needles at me? Truely a bizarre game. The junkies I know don't like throwing away their needles. Specially at a cop. And the roaming hordes of junkies coming at you. Junkie avalance. That sounds like a new candy bar. "Try a Junkie Avalance!"
But as this game always says.."Say no to drugs". That will work. Nancy Reagan said it. And if Mrs. Reagan's big guns don't work, then what the are we left with as a society?
It will be anarchy.
30. Galaga
Like Space Invaders but on acid. I guess. Same game but with colors. Has some cool noises in it too but I always get this one mixed up with the other G game. I don't know if that was intentional, but to this day I am scared of those two games. Kinda like if I call it the wrong name, someone is going to get upset and kick my ass. So one of the G games is cool.
Crap. Now we are going to have to nominate Galaxian just so we don't offend the other half of the G game spectrum.
So those are ten more that made the list..
But, we still need 20 more. If you don't see yours on here and it has been nominated in the past, nominate that sucker again and get it on here!
Nominations are open til Friday, and this is the place to do it. And the more people that nominate a game, the more likely it is to get into the final poll.
Now I have to figure out the difference between Galaga and Galaxian.
Welcome to Day 3 of the nominating process for The Almost Final Countdown - Arcade games edition.
We are almost hitting the top of the nomination list, so if you don't want yours to miss out, you better get it in.
A lot are nominated, but haven't been "officially" been put in yet.
Herein comes the problem. We are looking for the ones that got more than one nomination. So if you said something earlier in the poll and you haven't seen it yet, to make sure it gets in on the top 50, nominate it again.
The first two nomination lists are here and here.
The official "list" from the reader nominations are:
1. Rampage
2. Tecmo Super Dodge Ball
3. Berzerk
4. Spy Hunter
5. Tron
6. Sinistar
7. Bubble Bobble
8 Robotron 2084
9. Pole Position
10. Donkey Kong
Pretty cool list we have started here, eh?
Want to see the next ten?
Then here we go.
11. Mortal Kombat 2
This game haunted my nights. I guess it was just the all out ass kickiness(?) of the game that made it so great. Maybe it was the way there were really no hard "secret moves" or anything hard you had to memorize. Now, games like this have something like 20 different things you have to get down to really kick ass.
L R L L U D A B L R??? What the hell is that? Memorizing moves like that ruined all the new fighting games.
I miss simple moves like the ones in Mortal Kombat.
Get off my lawn.
12. The Simpsons
I missed this one, so maybe I am not the best person to review it. It sounds fun, but I never have seen it. Doesn't mean it wasn't cool. It just means that my measly arcades never had it. And I worked in arcades. I don't know how it slipped by me. But I guess it is cool. So it is up here.
13. Joust
I have no idea who thought of this concept, but I like it. A happy game. You bonk them on their heads. Turn them into eggs. Then capture their eggs. But don't let them hatch. Or they will grow up to jousters. Then they will catch an ostrich and fly away. Then you must bonk them on their heads again.
I mean c'mon. That is a pretty stupid premise for a game. It reeks of Doug Henning.
But you know what? Damn, that game was fun.
14. Smash TV
Coming out right after "Running Man" of Arnold fame, this game had a great idea. Kill people for cash. That was it. Kill those bastards live on TV and get paid.
15. Total Carnage
Part 2 to Smash TV and my personal favorite. Take one kid on really bad methamphetamine with a pocket full of quarters and you got him (me) in front of this game for 12 hour stretches. Covered in sweat, trying to destroy the baby food company before Saddam (that was Saddam, right?) unleashed his hell upon the Earth. Sure it was a quarter sucker, but it was a good quarter sucker.
16. Asteroids
I forgot how much fun this was until I found it online a few days ago. Somehow I lost about three hours last weekend playing this game. It was that fun. I don't know why I always thought these games were so hard back then. I was so scared of smashing the last asteroid before I was directly in the middle of the screen to get the perfect angle for the new wave that would come at me.
Hell, last weekend I just hit the thruster and fired in circles. It seemed to work the same.
And I think I did a pretty good job.
/And who made the rule that if you Kamikaze the alien ship, you die??? That's a lame rule. I think we should both be destroyed if I ram that fucker. - T
17. Golden Tee
Doesn't matter what year or version it was. Gimmie a trackball, half pack of smokes and a few pints of beer and this game was mine. Is it just me or were these games ONLY located in bars?? Not much skill involved here. Maybe holding your piss til your round was over, but that's about it. Push, slam, or whack that ball as far as it can go and drink another beer. I don't really think anyone cared how badly they did either.
I mean, how many times did you just say "fuck it" and just hit in the woods?
18. Punch Out
NES had nothing on this. This was fun. This was fighting. I am sad that wimpy little NES Mike Tyson came out and soiled my memories of this great game. Hell, I can't remember half the characters now. This is all NES fault. I remember Bald Bull...that's about it. The rest are all the NES characters I remember. Damn it. Now I am going to have to go find it somewhere.
19. Battle Zone
A game truly made before anyone cared about getting the germs and sweat of strangers on their faces. Step up and mash your face against the eyesight and destroy some tanks. I am assuming many communicable diseases made this game their home back in the day. But it was still cool to see the little tanks blow up.
20. Star Wars
Minus the annoying talk in the background (Yes. Yes I do know we lost god damn R2, ok?) this was a fun game. Just shoot the crap out of everything. Try to shoot Darth (Did he ever die?) then hit the Deathstar...one more time. The game was repetitive as all hell but you have to admire the Empire.
They sure built them Deathstars fast.
So those are ten more that made the list..
But, we still need 20 more. If you don't see yours on here and it has been nominated in the past, nominate that sucker again and get it on here!
Nominations are open til Friday, and this is the place to do it. And the more people that nominate a game, the more likely it is to get into the final poll.
Now I have to go find who the other characters were in Punch out.
Welcome to Day 2 of the nominating process for The Almost Final Countdown - Arcade games edition.
These are the four from yesterday that the FTTW started the process off with:
1. Rampage
2. Tecmo Super Dodge Ball
3. Berzerk
4. Spy Hunter
And now, six more, culled from yesterday's reader nominations:
5. Tron
From KLOV:
Based on scenes from the Walt Disney movie of the same name, this game has four distinct games per level: Lightcycles, Grid Bugs, Tanks, and the MPC Cone. All four games must be completed before you can advance to the next level.
6. Sinistar
A small, triangular fighter ship is maneuvered by the player through a series of "Zones" in the galaxy. The player must blast Sinisite crystals out of planetoids while fending off attacking enemy drones and Warrior ships. Collect enough crystals to destroy the evil Sinistar before he kills you.
I Hunger!
7. 
Trivia: There were eight different versions of Bubble Bobble, spanning 13 years and various gaming systems as well as coin ops. That's not including several PC versions of the game. The characters fo Bubble Bobble, Bub and Bob, also appeared in Bust-a-Move in the United States.
Play Bubble Bobble, The Revival
8. Robotron 2084
Each level, or “wave” of Robotron consists of a small humanoid mutant ("the last hope of mankind"), representing the player, in the center of a swarm of enemy robots. The player uses the two joysticks to simultaneously move away from the enemies and dodge their shots, while firing back at them. Once all the destructible enemies are eliminated, the player progresses to the next wave, facing increasingly faster and more numerous enemies.
Play Robotron online (and Defender and Joust and Sinistar and a bunch of other Midway games)
9. Pole Position
(ed note: this game ate ever single cent I made in 1982)
Trivia: This game was one of the choices presented to Bally/Midway from Namco for sublicensing. Bally/Midway chose Mappy while Atari was left with Pole Position. Pole Position went on to become the biggest game of 1983 .
What the driver is thinking during Pole Position.
10. Donkey Kong
You are a workman named Mario who climbs girders and ladders and will stop at nothing to save his stolen love from the clutches of the giant ape.
But....where's the donkey?
A really long list of Donkey Kong games
Donkey Kong on Futurama
So that's the first 10 out of 50. Don't worry if the one you nominated isn't listed. There's always tomorrow.
And if your favorite game isn't listed at all, nominations are open til Friday, and this is the place to do it. And the more people that nominate a game, the more likely it is to get into the final poll. So even if your game is already mentioned, throw it in there.
I have the sudden urge to fill my pocket with quarters.
Congratulations to Dr. Teeth and gang, and thanks to everyone who nominated and voted in this week's poll.
Final results of this poll can be seen here.
The new poll is over here.
Behind the Music with Dr. Teeth (from Robot Chicken)
Electric Mayhem doing 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
After the finish of The Almost Final Countdown #1 The Fake Bands Edition, we thought we would jump right in with TAFC #2. Congratulations to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band for winning the first TAFC, but we need to move on.
For some strange reason, we have been playing a lot of old games. Well, I have been playing a lot of old games that I totally forgot existed and in going through the collective that is FTTW, we realized a bunch of games were great, almost incredibly great, but were forgotten.
So we decided to take these games, the ones that were great, and list them. To figure out what was and is the best all time arcade game that ever was. From Pong to whatever the hell is out there now, let's list them and see which ones stand up to the vote.
Same rules as last time. Nominate whichever ones you want. We get 50 and list them out as the week goes on from your nominations. At the end of the week, we take them all and you vote on them.
So let's start this.
The 50 BEST Arcade Games
Baby Huey gets things started with a bang. And a crash. And an explosion.
Rampage
Oh, man. I love this game. I'm not even a big video game person. But I love this game -- Wolfman was my guy. I'd always play as wolfman. GIANT WOLF. CRUSH BUILDING. EAT PEOPLE. I loved it. When you beat a level you got your name in a fake newspaper. You got to break shit and you could get shocked, and you never died. You just turned into a naked dude. That's AWESOME.
Turtle sticks you with the POWERBALL!!
This was one of the greatest games ever made. Sure it was forgotten in the great rush of crap games that came out in the late 80's.
Whilst the line for Double Dragon streched out the door, this game sat in the corners waiting to be played by only those who were too tired to wait for Double Dragon or were just bored. But, when this game was activated, a whole new level of gaming came in. Super Dodge Ball!! Here you had to take the USA to the top while beating the other countries on their home turf. Dodge ball style.
What was really funny about these games were the stereotypes of the playes came into the game. Iceland is cold so you play on slippery ice. Kenya is in African so you play on slow dirt. Japan always passes the ball to their leader who makes the big throw. Germany is a bunch of huge thugs. India is quick . China is a bunch of small guys who get together and gang up on you. The USA were the superstars.
See, that's Techmo Super Dodge Ball.
Always striving for racial equality while sticking you with the powerball. - T
Michele gets evil:
Berzerk
“Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!” I can still hear that loud and clear in my head as if I was still standing there, beer balanced on a barstool pulled up next to the machine, quarters laid out in a row as if to say to anyone else “This is my place. I’m not leaving. Don’t even think that you are going to get anywhere near this game tonight. Cause I am on fire and fucking Evil Otto is going to die a brutal death this evening.”
Except Evil Otto could not be destroyed. I knew this, knew this was how the game worked and there was nothing I could do about it, but that did not stop me, especially when I was drunk, from thinking that one more quarter, one more game, would let me somehow find some deep, dark secret hidden deep within the code that would let me destroy Otto.
“Chicken! Fight like a robot!" How could you not love a game that mocked you? -M
And thefinn starts looking for some action:
Spy Hunter
Oh yeah… Slide into the seat, check the wheel and drop the quarter into the slot. The familiar “Peter Gunn” theme starts up and you’re ready to roll. Spy Hunter let me relive just about every pre-adolescent fantasy I had about James Bonds’ Astin Martin. Hauling ass in that souped up little white ride, shooting everything is sight (Who cares if you don’t get points for killing the civilians ?), just trying to get far enough so you can get resupplied by the weapons van. The smokescreen was great for those bulletproof bastards, the oil slick took the piss out of that damned limousine and the missiles dropped that that damned dogged helicopter out of the air. I would spend hours in that seat, just trying to get the car along, a little further down the road. This game had it all; civilian deaths, burning helicopters falling from the sky and enough action to make you want to blow your entire allowance in a single afternoon. Even if it was just to die in a fiery crash by the side of the road. --F
So those are the first four.
Now we need you. You need to tell us what we need to put on the list. This will go on each day untill Thursday when we put them all together.
But for now....
what games were the best?
Ok, fake bands fans. This is it. The final countdown.
Below is the poll with 50 bands in it. It is now YOUR job to help us establish a Grand Winner!
Vote early, vote often, just vote. We won't be monitoring the diebold machines or anything. Do whatever you want to get your band to win. Within reason, of course.
The poll will stay up through until Sunday afternoon. Winner and NEW CATEGORY will be announced Monday morning.
Thanks for the nominations and may the best fake band win!
(Scroll down a bit, I don't know how this poll makes all this whitespace or how to get rid of it)
UPDATE:
THE POLL IS NOW CLOSED. PLEASE COME BACK TOMORROW MORNING (actually, after midnight EST) FOR THE RESULTS.
Welcome back to the fifth installment of the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.
You know the drill. We've been doing this for five days.
The first two installments are here and here for you to catch up on.
The second two are here and here.
In case you missed it, that is.
We're ready to roll on to Day 5 of this week's list - the final part of the list before the poll goes up for Saturday and Sunday.
These who have been nominated already are the following 40 bands. The last ten of the list are below that. Nominations are closed, but feel free to bitch about the 50 picks in the comments.
Spinal Tap
Dethklock
Everybody Gets Laid (the band from PCU)
Crucial Taunt (Cassandra's band from the Wayne's World series)
Coq Roq (the band from the Burger King Chicken Fries ad campaign)
The Rutles
Gidget and the Gories
The Banana Splits
Sonic Death Monkey (High Fidelity)
CB4
Billie and the Boingers (Bloom County)
The Queenhaters (SCTV)
The Darlings (Andy Griffith)
Alice Bowie (Cheech and Chong)
Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk (TKITH)
The Beets (Doug)
2ge+her (from the MTV show)
Arseface (from the comic book Preacher)
The Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
MC Pee Pants (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas)
Blues Brothers
Wyld Stallions
Cold Slither (G.I. Joe)
Eddie and the Cruisers
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
B-Sharps
School of Rock
Josie and the Pussycats
Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld
Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate
Jackie Rodgers, Jr
The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience
Jem and the Holograms
The Groovie Ghoulies
Autobahn (Big Lebowski)
Richie's band from Happy Days
Rex Manning (Empire Records)
Niggaz With Hats (N.W.H.)
Figrin d'An & the Modal Nodes
According to your nominations, the new additions to the list are..........
The Lone Rangers from Airheads:
The Oneders
Scum of the Earth (from the "Hoodlum Rock" episode of WKRP)
(that's the whole episode)
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Fingerbang (South Park)
Stewie and the Cowtones
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers
Hey, it was all I could find. But here's a little bit about the Buckaroo Banzai band from FTTW reader Timmer:
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers - In 1984, (the same year I joined the Air Force...Jeezus is it time to retire or what?) In 1984 The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension hit the theaters and no one paid any attention. Think about it, Ghost Busters, the first time we saw Indiana Jones, who had time for a kitchy cult Sci Fi Renaissance Man who was part Nuclear Physicist and part Rock Star? I think I first saw it at a Midnight Film Festival in Vegas. I don't know why, but it became my first favorite bad Sci Fi movie, bumping Liquid Sky out of the way. I wore out the VHS tape...twice. I bought the DVD the first time I saw it, in a Bargain Bin. The band, made up of Buckaroo, Perfect Tommy, Reno Nevada, Pecos, New Jersey and Pinky Caruthers perform a variety of songs throughout the movie...okay...maybe not...but the discography on the DVD shows: Native Texan (But a Rising Son), Your Place or Mayan?, Echo Location, Progress Over Protocol, and Live at Artie's Artery . It's geeky cool. Thin ties were still in. Billy Vera hadn't sold out yet. Peter Weller hadn't made Robocop yet. So much promise on the horizon for so many.
Smeg and the Heads (Red Dwarf)
Wyld Stallyns
San Dimas High School football rules!
Pain (from an episode of CHiPs)
So those are the last ten nominations.
From top to bottom. We will sort them out on Saturday when we put the voting poll thing up. Until then, this is where you bitch that we didn't choose your band!
Welcome back to the fourth installment of the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.
TAFC is a new column that will appear almost every day. Basically, it's a continuing series of countdowns, lists, and things that have numbers on them and tell you what's the best and worst of something.
What will happen is this: On Monday, the new category will be announced. The editors (or two of the four editors) will have their picks up for the category, so we start you out with either the first 10 or 20 of the list.
You guys know how to do this.
The first two installments are here and here for you to catch up on.
And the last one.
In case you missed it, that is.
Think of us a VH1 without the ubiquitous presence of Ian Michael Black.
Sounds like fun, right? Not too confusing or anything? Good, because we are ready to roll on to Day 4 of this week's list.
These who have been nominated already are the following 30 bands so no need to nominate them again.
Spinal Tap
Dethklock
Everybody Gets Laid (the band from PCU)
Crucial Taunt (Cassandra's band from the Wayne's World series)
Coq Roq (the band from the Burger King Chicken Fries ad campaign)
The Rutles
Gidget and the Gories
Blues Brothers
The Banana Splits
Sonic Death Monkey (High Fidelity)
CB4
Billie and the Boingers (Bloom County)
The Queenhaters (SCTV)
The Darlings (Andy Griffith)
Alice Bowie (Cheech and Chong)
Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk (TKITH)
The Beets (Doug)
2ge+her (from the MTV show)
Arseface (from the comic book Preacher)
The Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
MC Pee Pants (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas)
Wyld Stallions
Cold Slither (G.I. Joe)
Eddie and the Cruisers
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
B-Sharps
School of Rock
Josie and the Pussycats
Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld
According to your nominations, the new additions to the list are..........
Turtle takes care of the first five:
Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate
I will be honest and say I love Sexual Chocolate. This scene pretty much made the movie for me. He was so serious and so demanding about his band. And make no mistake. That was HIS band. Everyone has seen or knows guys like this. Or maybe has even been one. When the music is so good but no one cares. There must be something wrong with them! What is wrong with them?! Why don't they like us?!
Jackie Rodgers, Jr
Albinos represent! One of the bright spots of whatshisname's career. Jackie Rodgers Jr. was either retarded or stupid. I have no idea which one it was but it shaped my belief system that everyone in Canada is white and stupid. So next time I take a swipe at Canadians, remember, all you have to do is look at yourself for making me who I am.
Actually, I like Canadians. I just like making fun of them. I mean, what would the world be like today without Rush?
The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience
As someone pointed out earlier, they were pretty good. For a cartoon. I mean it had Dale in it and as everybody knows, Dale is cool. From his paranoid delusions to his conspiracy theories, he is pure cool. So in theory, if he is cool, he must know his bluegrass. It makes perfect sense to me. Although I really don't like bluegrass. It all reminds me of welfare and that scene from Deliverance. There were others in the band, but Dale was the mastermind. And I don't mean "mastermind" in the Ned Beatty way.
Jem and the Holograms
I guess they were cool. Basic fact of these polls, someone has to review the ones that are nominated but no one likes. This is known as the shit job around FTTW and since I sleep late, everyone else seems to grab the good bands for themselves so I get stuck with the shit jobs. Meh. I'll do them if no one else wants to do them, but most of the time I will bitch as I am typing.
What?
The band?
They were ok, I guess. Although I really think Jem needs a good screwing.
The Groovie Ghoulies
It's Hanna Barbera. I love Hanna Barbera. Did I ever tell you guys that they are the best thing that ever happened to cartoons? The really reinvented the art form by cutting budgets and recycling ideas and formats to an almost mind numbing formula. They had some cool moments too. Unfortunately, those cool moments happened over and over and over again. And over. I think these guys were from either Flintstones, Jetsons or Sacramento. I don't know. But they liked to throw a lot of toys when they were on stage.
Michele hits the next five:
Autobahn (Big Lebowski)
Best. Movie. Ever. So, by extension, Autobahn rules.
Plus, they are nihilists.
Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
Figrin d'An & the Modal Nodes
It was kind of inevitable that I would put this here. I mean, it's Star Wars. When I get the chance to do something Star Wars geeky, I do it.
Richie's band from Happy Days.
They had no name. Really, I looked it up. The band with no name. I can think of a couple for them. How about Whitey and the White Boys? Because really, there was no one whiter than Richie and his friends. Or maybe some variation of that including the words, geeks, nerds, etc. It's not that I didn't like them, but I liked them within the context of the show. Here they are, in full nerd gear:
Oh wait, that's not them.
Rex Manning (Empire Records)
Rex Manning (Maxwell Caufield) is the epitome of ego-inflated male teen idols. All winged back hair and full of pomposity, Rex gets his ego taken down a notch or two in this movie. Caufield played this part to the hilt.
Jane: Actually, his new album tested well among teenage males.
Lucas: Jane, did you compare the percentage of teenage male Rex Manning fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males?
I loved Lucas in this movie. By the way, this is one of those movies that isn't quite as awesome as you remember it being.
Niggaz With Hats (N.W.H.)
If you have never seen the movie Fear of a Black Hat, you need to get off your ass right now and go purchase/rent/illegaly procure it. It's a documentary in the style of Spinal Tap, and just as good. NWH are kinda dumb and not a really good band but somehow you find yourself wanting nothing but the best for them. What CB4 wanted to be, Fear of a Black Hat was ten times over. Fuck tha Security Guards!
So those are the next ten nominations. Keep nominating and looking back at what is already up there. We have 10 more open slots till the big vote comes in on Friday and we can sort this all out.
From top to bottom. We will sort them out.
The Top 50 Fake Bands in order as decided by you.
But, we still need 10 more nominations!
If we missed yours, they will probably make it and just haven't been put in yet, but to make sure we get them, post them again.
Welcome back to the third installment of the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.
TAFC is a new column that will appear almost every day. Basically, it's a continuing series of countdowns, lists, and things that have numbers on them and tell you what's the best and worst of something.
What will happen is this: On Monday, the new category will be announced. The editors (or two of the four editors) will have their picks up for the category, so we start you out with either the first 10 or 20 of the list.
You guys know how to do this.
The first two installments are here and here for you to catch up on.
In case you miissed it, that is.
Think of us a VH1 without the ubiquitous presence of Ian Michael Black.
Sounds like fun, right? Not too confusing or anything? Good, because we are ready to roll on to Day 3 of this week's list.
These who have been nominated already are the following 20 bands so no need to nominate them again.
Spinal Tap
Dethklock
Everybody Gets Laid (the band from PCU)
Crucial Taunt (Cassandra's band from the Wayne's World series)
Coq Roq (the band from the Burger King Chicken Fries ad campaign)
The Rutles
Gidget and the Gories
The Banana Splits
Sonic Death Monkey (High Fidelity)
CB4
Billie and the Boingers (Bloom County)
The Queenhaters (SCTV)
The Darlings (Andy Griffith)
Alice Bowie (Cheech and Chong)
Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk (TKITH)
The Beets (Doug)
2ge+her (from the MTV show)
Arseface (from the comic book Preacher)
The Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
MC Pee Pants (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
According to your nominations, the new additions to the list are..........
Turtle takes care of the first five:
The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas)
I remember that this show came out when Jim Henson basically owned everything on TV. He could do no wrong. So what the hell. Make a Christmas special about the an otter with Kermit narrating. What the hell. Put them in a swamp. Well, it worked. A group of swamp dwellers who liked to steal things made the cut in FTTW best fake bands poll.
God Bless Jim Henson
The Blues Brothers
Were they real or fake? One of the bands that caused controversy in this poll. Yes they went on tour and yes, they had a kickass band, but it was all based on a skit so I don't know. All I know is that these guys had other things they were doing and the Blues Brothers wasn't their primary focus so we considered them a fake band. I don't know. But, it was our call and we made it.
Jake and Elwood. The Blues Brothers.
Plus they broke a lot of things when they filmed it, so that was cool.
Wyld Stallions
These guys were cool. They sucked, but they were cool. Another band in the long list of "we are going to make it" types. But somehow, they did make it. And I guess they were so good, they took over the world. Which is pretty cool for being in a band. Plus Ginger Lynn was always hanging around fucking someone's dad. And lord knows, she needs the work.
Cold Slither from G.I. Joe
Devious band tempting us to join Venom with their rock and roll beats.
We're cold slither
You'll be joining us soon
A band of vipers
playing our tune
With an iron fist
and a reptitle hiss
we shall rule!
This is the kind of music that Tipper Gore warned you about.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
What couldn't you say about these guys. They all had their own styles and they all just grooved. See, if this band was on a TV show today, you know they would show them getting stoned behind the stage before they went on. Well, maybe Dr. Teeth would be drinking bourbin and maybe Animal would be smoking speed but the rest of them would all be stoned. Specially Flyod Pepper, the stoned ass bass player. That guy was out of it. Janice just gets annoying after awhile but she still grooves along. All in all a steady band that held the show together. Fuck Scooter.
Michele gets the next five:
Eddie and the Cruisers
I gotta be honest with you. I hate this band and I hate this movie, much as I hate anything and everything that resembles Bruce Springsteen in even the tiniest way. But I won't let that stand in the way of the integerity of this poll. So here they are.
In case you don't know, Eddie and the gang are from the self-titled movie about a guy who may or may not have been written to appear really similar to that Springsteen guy. He gets to hate the big time or something and disappears. Or gets lost. Or dies. I don't remember. But here's a clip of the band doing Tender Years.
B-Sharps
Gotta love Homer. He's done everything, been everywhere, met everyone. Here, he is part of a barbershop quartet with Barney, Principal Skinner, Apu. Chief Wiggum figured in there somewhere too. The B-Sharps had some short lived worldwide fame and won a Grammy and had some merchandise with their name on it, including poisonous funny foam.
School of Rock
I have no problem telling you I really dug this movie. Sure, it was predictable and cliched and kind of cheesy in a fromage sort of way. But sometimes on a lazy Saturday afternoon in the middle of winter, that's just what you need. Some School of Rock. One of the only Jack Black roles I can tolerate for more than twenty minutes.
School of Rock on youtube
Josie and the Pussycats
This is where the whole furry thing started. Really. I blame Josie and her seductive tail and animal skin outfit. This is where guys started thinking "Man, I'd really like my woman to have a tail." And where girls started thinking "I wonder what it's like to be a cat?" The downfall of American society followed.
Josie and the Pussycats theme song.
Timmy and the Lords of the Undeworld
TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH!
So those are the next ten nominations. Keep nominationg and looking back at wht is already up there. We have 20 more open slots till the big vote comes in on Friday and we can sort this all out.
Top to bottom.
The top 50 Facke Bands in order as decided by you.
But, we still need 20 more nominations!
If we missed yours, they will probably make it and just haven't been put in yet, but to make sure we get them, post them again.
Remember back in the early days of FTTW when we did the Top 100 Punk Songs and then the Best Punk Albums? Well, we had a lot of fun with that and we decided to run something like that again, but on a permanent kind of basis.
Welcome to the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.
TAFC is a new column that will appear almost every day. Basically, it's a continuing series of countdowns, lists, and things that have numbers on them and tell you what's the best and worst of something. Like that.
What will happen is this: On Monday, the new category will be announced. The editors (or two of the four editors) will have their picks up for the category, so we start you out with either the first 10 or 20 of the list.
See here for the rest of the rules and regulations and stuff
Think of us a VH1 without the ubiquitous presence of Ian Michael Black.
Sounds like fun, right? Not too confusing or anything? Good, because we are ready to roll on to Day 2 of this week's list.
TOP 50 FICTIONAL BANDS
I bet you didn't know just how many there are.
Yesterday two of the FTTW made their picks. Like we said yesterday, it's your job to use the comments to help us come up with the other bands to round out the list. Then, on Sunday we'll put up a poll of all 50 to determine the numero uno, king of the hill, top of the crop, etc., etc., etc.
You guys did a great job coming up with some bands yesterday. There's still room for more.
Ready to do it again?
Baby Huey is next in line.
11. Spinal Tap
I almost considered not putting this band on there, considering they actually did put out quite a few albums. However, with songs like "Break Like the Wind" they're one of my favorite bands, real or no.
12. Dethklok
DO YOU FOLKS LIKE COFFEE? This band is blacker than the blackest black. Times infinity. The best part is they actually got real metal people (Kirk Hammet and James Hetfield from Metallica, Warrel Dane of Nevermore, King Diamond, Corpsegrinder Fisher from Cannibal Corpse, and more) to be on the show, to lend creedence to a totally kickass cartoon.
13. Everybody Gets Laid (the band from PCU)
They were gonna call themselves Naugahyde Windpipe, for chrissakes. That alone put them on my list. But the fact that Megan Ward was in the band clinched it. She makes me feel funny in my boy parts.
14. Crucial Taunt (Cassandra's band from the Wayne's World series)
Tia Carrere is hot in purple lingerie, plays a mean bass, and their cover of Ballroom Blitz is absoultely zang.
15. Coq Roq (the band from the Burger King Chicken Fries ad campaign)
Ignoring the fact that the song in the commercial was actually kinda catchy, any band that pisses off Slipknot is OK by me.
The Finn's picks:
16. The Rutles – The Rutles were not the Beatles. Let’s just clear that up right now. Granted, the two bands had a few similarities. The mop top haircuts. The catchy melodies and turning of phrase. But no, they were not the Beatles. The band was originally formed when Ron Nasty and Dirk McQuickly joined up with Stig O’Hara as a trio. The trio performed well enough together but finally found the integral fourth piece when they discovered Barrington Womble hiding in their van. They made us fall in love with them on their self titled album, firmly established their pop dominance with “Let It Rut” and took us on a strange psychedelic journey in “Sergent Rutter’s Only Darts Club Band”. They continued their atmospheric rise to success only to have it all go bad by the time “Let It Rot” was released. But Rutlemania will always be alive and well in our hearts and our minds.
17. Gidget and the Gories – You all remember Gidget. The cute, sweet all American girl from the surfing capital of the world ? Little did you know that she had a dark side. For a short time, she fronted a psychedelic band (and very spooky) band called The Gories. It all started because Gidget was trying to inspire a little self confidence in her friend Larue. So, the two of them joined a folk band and convinced the rest of the members in the band to try out for a spot on a TV show. Right before they were supposed to audition, Gidget shows up in white face and heavy eyeliner and announces that the band has gone spooky. The rest of the band loves the look, but no Larue, so they decide to kick her out. Gidget is furious and demands that they ask Larue back or she won’t perform with them any more. So, The Gories drop them both, work the audition and get the gig. And Gidget learns a hard lesson about friendship.
18. The Banana Splits – The Banana Splits lived in Hocus Pocus Park, a giant amusement park that was consistently under siege by the evil Sour Grape Bunch. They drove six wheeled dune buggies, ran around and bumped into each other quite a bit. But they weren’t well known for their security skills. They were also the greatest cartoon introducing band of all time. The band consisted of Fleegle (a beagle), Drooper (a lion), Snorky (an elephant) and Bingo (a gorilla) who made some of the most fun music ever. The theme song alone will get stuck in your head for days.
19. Sonic Death Monkey – It’s the world’s loss that this would be supergroups’ only live performance was captured on celluloid and attributed to “Barry Jive and the Uptown Five” instead of their original and so much cooler band name. Barry’s soulful rendition of “Let’s Get It On” can move a grown man to tears and can strip the clothes off the most chaste of women. Unfortunately, after their first and only public performance was completed, the band changed their name to Kathleen Turner Overdrive and went on to change folk music history.
20. CB4 – The hardest hitting gangsta rap group ever is called CB4. Comprised of M.C. Gusto (Albert Brown), Dead Mike (Euripides Smalls) and Stab Master Arson (Otis), this was the hardest of the hardcore rap scene. The group was formed in prison (Cell Block 4) and went on to rule the charts with such hits as “Straight Outta Low Cash” and “Sweat From My Balls”. What they say is true. You may hear them once, but you’ll never forget them. This is not "Bohemian Rhapsody".
The rest of the week will be your nominations up here until we round out the top 50 and get ready for the big vote.
So this is all up to you. Have fun with it.
Here's The Dickies doing the Banana Splits theme song: (download)
(If you didn't see yesterday's, check the comments for all the bands that were nominated on that thread)
Remember back in the early days of FTTW when we did the Top 100 Punk Songs and then the Best Punk Albums? Well, we had a lot of fun with that and we decided to run something like that again, but on a permanent kind of basis.
Welcome to the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.
TAFC is a new column that will appear almost every day. Basically, it's a continuing series of countdowns, lists, and things that have numbers on them and tell you what's the best and worst of something. Like that.
What will happen is this: On Monday, the new category will be announced. The editors (or two of the four editors) will have their picks up for the category, so we start you out with either the first 10 or 20 of the list.
This is where you come in. This is an interactive kind of thing. On Monday when we post the category and our picks, it's your job to head over to the comments and give us your nomination list for that category. You can name 1, 5, 459, whatever floats your boat. We'll pull nominations from the comments in order to continue the list for the rest of the week until we reach the determined number (sometimes 50, sometimes 100, could be some random number). Then on Sunday, we'll put up the final list and a POLL. From the voting on that poll we will determine the winner of that list category (AND THE NUMBER ONE SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR FAILED HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP IS.....like that)...and we'll announce the winner of that category as well as introduce the new list on Monday. The winner gets a beautiful, hand photoshopped, engraved trophy that goes into the FTTW TAFC Hall of Fame.
Think of us a VH1 without the ubiquitous presence of Ian Michael Black.
Sounds like fun, right? Not too confusing or anything? Good, because we are ready to start with this week's list.
.....drum roll.......
TOP 50 FICTIONAL BANDS
I bet you didn't know just how many there are.
For the first 10 from the list, we have two of our editors making their pics. The other two editor's picks will be up tomorrow. It's your job to use the comments to help us come up with the other (does quick math in head) 30 bands to round out the list. Then, like I said above, on Sunday we'll put up a poll of all 50 to determine the numero uno, king of the hill, top of the crop, etc., etc., etc.
And now, the first ten. 1-5 are from Turtle.
1. Billy and the Boingers (Bloom County) - AKA Deathtongue before Steve Dallas caved in front of some kind of replica of the PMRC. Love rhinos and acne from space were no match for them. Middle of the road. Man it stank. Let's roll over Lionel Ritchie with a tank. These guys were truly before their time. Plus if you got the book, you got a flexi-single in it with such timeless wonders like "U Stink But I Love U."
I miss the electric tuba.
2. The Queenhaters - This was just a gimmie. Booked on Mel's Rock Pile on SCTV, this punk band held no words when it came to their disgust of the Falklands War. Man, they were pissed. Taxes and inflation were causing dope prices to go sky high and they couldn't afford them anymore. So they were taking it to the streets and letting Canada know that they were pissed.
3. The Darlings - Andy Griffith makes it in here with these lovable stone faced moonshining backwoods gitar playing hillbillies. They were a family of people would give the banjo player in Deliverance a run for his money. Always causing a ruckus by not doing anything. True backwood men who could pick and grin with the best of them then turn around and still up some of the best moonshine Mayberry had ever seen. Plus, they had a jug player. That's just funny.
4. Alice Bowie (Up in Smoke) Chong and his Qualude shirt and Cheech in whateverthefuck standing on the stage. Too cool for school. I remember when I was a kid, if you knew the lyrics to Earache In My Eye, you were considered not only a stoner, but a super stoner. Only the upper echalon of stoners knew the words to this. And if you could play the riff on the guitar? Amplified? That meant you were a Dope God to be worshipped by the fools who only "kind of" knew the words to this song.
"Caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose."
Yeah. You guys all know it.
What was with the Mexican background band anyways?
5. Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk - This was a great band. It reminds me of a lot of garage bands. In fact, this is the garage band to beat all garage bands. Three kids in their parent's basement trying to figure out the music industry while still trying to figure out puberty. The Kids in the Hall brought us this trio of kids with dreams who were, come hell or high water, gonna make it. Cause you're just a tramp, tramp trampoline girl.
6-10 are from Michele
6. The Beets (Doug)
I just thought it was cute how Doug was really into this band and was always trying to score tickets and stuff. Plus, they had a song called Killer Tofu. In my next life, when I'm a rock and roll star, my band will be called Killer Tofu.
7. 2ge+her (from the MTV show)
Shut up. I loved this show so much. I was surrounded by grade school girls who were totally into the boy band rage at the time, and this show was a much needed parody of all that. And it was funny. How can you not love a song with lyrics like "Say it, don't spray it. I want the news not the weather." Or "I know my calculus, it says you + me = us." That's quality stuff right there.
8. Arseface (from the comic book Preacher)
Long story short. Arseface was a loser kid who worshiped Kurt Cobain. His father abused him, his mother didn't care and he only had one friend. When Cobain offed himself, he and the friend made a suicide pact, where they would shoot their own brains out.. The friend aced the pact. Arseface failed at dying and ended up with a face that, well, looked like an ass. Arse if you're English. Arseface was exploited by this guy called The Sergeant and embarked on a rock and roll career, if you call "hey, let's see what this freak is gonna do/say next" a career. Which, really, a lot of rock stars do. Anyhow, I kinda liked Arseface. Or pitied him. Either way, I thought he deserved better than he got.
9. The Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
This is a total nostalgia pick. It was either this or the Banana Splits and I happen to know one of the other editors is grabbing the Splits, so I ended up going with this. This group really personified the Bradys and what they were all about. So wholesome. Pure angelic goodness. The lengths they went through to get money to get the silver platter for their parents was enough to make even Charles Ingalls feel humbled. I always wondered why they didn't just sell Cindy on the black market to get the money. No one liked her anyway.
10. MC Pee Pants (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
So Meatwad is totally grooving to this new song:
I want candy, bubble gum, and taffy
Skip to the sweet shop with my sweetheart Sandy
Got my pennies saved so I'm her sugar daddy
I'm her Hume Cronyn and she's my Jessica Tandy, I want candy!
The new hit from MC Pee Pants is doing something weird to Meatwad and, well, there's stuff about subliminal messages and power drilling to hell and demons and a spider wearing Depends. Just another day on ATHF.
I picked this not just because a spider wearing Depends and singing about candy is cool, but because it's MC Chris.
So there's 1-10 of the best fictional bands ever. Now it's your turn. Nominate some bands and we'll take them and put them up on the list during the week.
Here's a slew of fake bands to get you started. thinking. Now get nominating and let's get this countdown party started.
Update:
